Where the Lost Characters Go

It's a bit depressing and hard to follow, I suppose.

            There was hatred in that smile.

            She grinned at her own reflection, gave it her best grin, and saw the loathing seep through the twist of her lips and the glint of her eyes -- those glassy eyes. Dropping the grin, she tilted her head so that one eye hid behind her dark cascade of hair. She pouted her lips a little, her face opening into her best expression of innocence and longing; it was wrong. She could see the lecherous agitation in her own face, the pleading greed. She watched as the specter pushed her full breasts into complete view, inviting her to have a fondle. Leaning closer out over the water, she wiped her face of the emotion and gazed plainly at herself. Simple corruption, pure perversion, gazed plainly back.

            She struck the reflection with a clawed hand and watched the water splash out, watched the specter ripple out of existence. She relaxed when the agitated water ceased to stare back at her. She shook the warm droplets from her hand and lay back on the soft dirt of the bank. The night sky stretched above her, free of moonlight, free of thought. The Earth turned and the slow rotation of the stars across the velvet blanket of night was imperceptible to her but known of nevertheless -- she imagined she saw it. She imagined she was an angel fallen from grace.

            The pinpricks of light above her blurred and shifted. Her eyes stung; she blinked, and a tear rolled down her cheek. She had to get better at admitting things. She had to get better at admitting her responsibility, at admitting what she was and what had made her this way. She’d used to love and care and live in innocent joy. Where were the lost days? Her ashen heart twisted. Here she was yet again, perhaps for the last time.

            She stood, turned, and walked back into the trees. Moonlight dappled her naked body as she slipped gracefully through the woods, her steps silent over the carpet of leaves and pine needles. At the edge of her vision, the blue darkness of the forest shifted and shimmered. It snapped back into strict reality when she focused on it, but she carried the creeping suspicion that each time she turned away the trees scuttled closer to her, closing her in.

            And so were her thoughts closing in. Guilt and despair crept ever closer to her, threatening to swallow her soul into their exuding gloom, tugging at her ankles to drag her down into further corruption, further wretchedness. Terror sank its teeth into her heart.  She took flight through the woods, steps no longer silent as she leapt over roots and dodged branches. Her heart jolted painfully in her chest and tears came to her eyes. So this was what she was -- a cowardly animal, fleeing from the realization of herself. Driven to madness by it.

            She slowed to a walk and was perplexed to feel soft, cool sand giving way beneath her feet. Before her the ocean stretched, its vast expanse meeting the sky with nearly indistinguishable but different shades of midnight blue. She stopped and peered behind her to see no forest of any sort, just rolling dunes stained silver with the light of the moon. Staring out across the dunes, she was whisked away.

            Sunlight bounced off of a tiny disco ball hanging from the rearview mirror of her friend’s Jeep. Two girls and a guy, all people she’d known for years, sat in the back, laughing and chattering away while she sat up front next to the boy she’d known longest of all. It was a beautiful day to speed across the desert for nothing more than the joy of the wind in their faces and the freedom it suggested. The Jeep drove faithfully over the terrain with the occasional sudden dip jolting them nearly out of their --

            She jolted awake and found herself staring into her own eyes. You can’t run away from yourself, they whispered to her. She was back, sitting on the soft bank surrounding the pool. She nearly laughed at the futility of it all, and the gruesome image in the water gave her a little half-smirk. Hey there, it said now. You and I are quite alike.

            She clawed at the water again only to find that it had been replaced with glass. As the specter cackled madly, a hopeless cry escaped her lips.

            She stood and paced on the bank, caged. Time ticked by. The moon was low in the sky and the crisp scent of dawn was carried to her on the wind. But this dawn was not hers; it would never be hers, as long as she could not break free.

            Break free. Breaking free, letting go, ending all. Ending pain. Ending pain and heartache and regret. Regretting none, nothing, such loss to regret but no regret to be had. Regret is lost too. Regret the loss of regret. Break free of animal desire kept chained. Break free or unleash it. Run away from me, sweetheart; I’ll only hurt you. Run away from me. I love you. Run away.

            And she woke up in the land of Eden. Crystal blue sky with clouds softer than rabbit fur. Springy green grass perfect for frolicking in. Darkly looming trees replaced with fields of flowers carpeting the hills in red, royal purple and gold. A doe walking by, stopping to graze. Birds overhead. Still on the bank beside the pool"the clear pool, sparkling fish flickering in its depths. No reflection to be found. Paradise, paradise.

            Paradise.

            Thunder.

            It was night time again. The forest closed in upon her as she sat hopeless on the bank. Her reflection grinned coldly back at her. The sky, clear and dark as ever, stretched above. She dug her fingers into the soft dirt of the bank, feeling it, kneading it, wondering.

            She felt so close to herself yet so far away. The dark trees held up the blanket of night and there she saw herself, soaring through a sea of velvet. Her oily-black wings blended seamlessly with the sky. She stretched out an arm to herself in the sky, tasting the distance. She watched herself begin to fly away.

            Salvation.

            Some actions may never be forgiven. Some creatures may never be saved. And she, who wanted it; she, who so worked for it; she, who it was taunting -- salvation could not be hers. Her stunted thoughts bloomed in a clouded haze of memory and repression. She sank her own teeth into her bottom lip, sank them in until the sharp pain of tearing flesh forced her to stop. A few drops of blood hung off the end of her lip and then fell languidly down to the pool, passing through it as though it were neither glass nor water, but air, becoming smaller and smaller until they disappeared altogether. Her vitality had fallen into the abyss.

            The specter again taunted her from above, alighting on a tree. The branches bent under her weight and the leaves shook. Silently, silently, the leaves shook. The specter mouthed insults at her. She stood. Her feet led her slowly to the tree, gracefully, like a dancer. Dirt, then grass gave softly under her steps. The silver light of the stars beckoned her forward. Every detail of the bark of the tree jumped out at her: the deep rivets between the clumps of roughness, the layers to be peeled off, the tiny imperfections in the pattern. She touched the bark, felt it, held it with both hands.

            There was a long moment of silence.

            She gripped a branch and began to climb. Leaves in her face. Soft hands scraped raw against unrelenting bark. Motion of her limbs -- all limbs together now. Arm and leg, hand and foot. Lead me home.

            Hold my hand, the silence whispered. Come with me, I’ll lead you home. The silence promised she’d be clean, free, new. Come with me, come with me.

            I’ll love you like she never would.

            Now she stood, teetering, on a high branch, looking out over the pool of glass some distance below, feeling the damp bark now crumbling under her toes, hearing the thunder growl in the distance. And end to all, it was and would be. Arms outstretched for balance, she stepped further out over the water. The lightning struck closer, stripping a neighboring tree of its foliage.

            In the water, her own self glared back at her from far, far away. Still trying to escape? A gust of wind made the whole tree sway dangerously. She flailed her arms but succeeded in staying upright. She glared at herself out of the depths of the water and in a blinding flash was airborne, painful, falling.

            Skin stinging, she fell to the surface of the pool and terror flickered in her own eyes before gravity shifted and --

           

            Once through the glass, the painful shatter still fresh in my ears I was tugged down because I cannot fly of course I can’t. My arms and legs out like a starfish, five stories, ten, and my jacket flapping in the wind like a cape but not a cape because I couldn’t fly I couldn’t never. Myself and I trapped in one body no more fighting, no time because air whooshing in my ears tears in my eyes people point and scream no one to save me now, no time for redemption I failed I can’t fly no time the good times are gone take me away falling with the raindrops Thunder overhead right overhead Worms in my brain and voices the voices aren’t nice and don’t say nice things and I am whole and one now. On the ground I saw a penny rushing towards me, heads side up. The most honorable thing I have ever done. The street hit red and faded to black.

            Silence.

Author's Note

I wrote this about a year ago when things were worse than they are now. It's weird to look back and read it again.

Reviews

[Gelydh]

The imagery of the girl and her reflection, all the personification; the dark brooding theme of it is intoxicating. Everything is so perfectly pieced together, and as she unravels at the end everything else falls apart around her. This is a very good work of literary art. c:

[Katie de Lavani]

You tame and temper each of your words so beautifully as to arrest the reader in such vivid presentations. I love the engagement between movement and uncertain ground that kept me turning in awe. Beautifully written; well done!

[Owlgirl]

Wow!!! the ending was amazing!!!!!!!!! Awesome writing!!!!!!!!!