Mascara Stains

It's been so long since I've last typed something for you, but I still haven't stopped thinking of you. I'm reminded of you so much. You are in all of my good memories, and some of the bad. Your birthday is coming up, and every fiber of my being wants to see you, to even catch a glimpse. I still can't deal with not talking to you, with thinking about how you're gone. I almost cried in pre-calc today. Math. You know what you're supposed to cry about in a math class? Math problems. Meanwhile I'm sitting in the back of the class, scribbling "They are Oakley" a thousand times on my notes.

I had a dream with you in it last night. We were at our old high school, except the outside looked like a different school. I saw you and immediately ran and hugged you, and it was like you weren't even gone. You had a really nice pink sweater and black jeans on, and you were holding a bird's nest. In it were little eggs, and parakeets hatched from them. We went outside to let them go, but decided to keep them instead. You said you'd name one "Pete" and call them your "para-pete" which was so stupid but I absolutely loved it. I love you. 

Then I woke up, and I had to remember that it was just a dream. And then i drove myself to school...

I started a new playlist on Spotify for you. I took a few songs you had saved, because they reminded me of you, and I cried while listening to them. That's why this is called Mascara Stains, cause I'm crying currently. It's okay, i've cried almost every days for months now, you are hardly the problem with me.

Just promise me you're okay, and i can live with myself. Promise me you'll see me again. I know you'll probably never see these, that this is just some kind of "therapy" for me since my parents will blatantly ignore my issues, but it makes me feel better thinking that you do see these, that you'll know that I'm trying to manage my life without you. I know it seems like I'm failing, but there's not much else i can do, is there? I miss you. I miss you so damn much. I'm so tired of talking about you like you arent a part of my life. Because you are. You are the reason i am who i am. Dont forget that, my dear. You helped me discover who i am. 

If i dont post before it passes, Happy Birthday. I love you so so much. Stay strong.