my day

A Story by samanthajoe

warning: graphic

my day

mia struggles

this is a broad overscope of how my days go, well how the worst days go. which seem to be happening alot more lately. i hope you can find some sort of comfort in this, knowing youre not alone.

wake up- i usally wake up and check my phone and twitter, usally get depressed seeing how im not needed in my best friends life. and others are. so i check the time and eaither try to go back to sleep,or listen to music for two hours or more depending if i have to pee. then i actually get out of bed, look down at my body and cry a little bit inside. then i pound down the stairs cause of my fattness.

i look at the kitchen and think about food, and sometimes ill eat and other times ill get iced tea and go on the couch so i dont see food.then i go to the bathroom and do what i have too. meanwhile ill look down at my cuts and usally trace them and think about cutting.....again...

food time- (if i do eat) ill usally eat fruity pebbles, and feel like a fat a*s. and depending on the time its sometimes lunch. and if it is lunch ill make my self something, usally its small but i feel like its a huge meal.so i see if my stepbrother or anybody is home. and my stepbrother sleeps alot so i really dont worry about him hearing.

ill go into the kitchen wash my dishes, and drink alot of drink, so there isnt chunks or really thick. then ill go into my bathroom downstairs and tie my hair back and begin to purge. ill usally do it untill it hurts or i feel like there is nothing there.

after thats all done, ill feel like s**t for listening to mia in the first place, but ill rinse out my hair and blow my nose.(my nose always gets runny) i stay in the bathroom for a min or two so my eyes dont look so red.

(if i dont eat) ill just stay on the couch and close my eyes and daydream so i dont think about food or cutting. which i do end up daydreaming about. or ill dream about killing myself and how people would react.

if i do cut that day, ill go get a razor or something sharp. but razors are my favorite thing cause they make me bleed the most and you always cut that way. other things sometimes only scratch if they arnt sharp enough.but ill cut on my thigh if i want alot of cuts and if i dont then ill cut once on my arm. but if it is on my thigh ill try with depth but i usally just keep cutting shallow ones. then i clean myself up and hide the bandaids and tissues.

after that i usally dont do anything, but sit and think about my problems(which i promise ill write seprate storys for them) then i have to make dinner when my mom gets home. and by this time i have eating one meal, sometimes ill eat breakfasr and lunch but only keep one down. after dinner im forced to keep it down since my mom is home. but sometimes i can purge if she is outside but i typically dont.

Sleepy time- ill go up to my bed and listen to music to try to put me in a better mood or make me fall asleep. some nights i cry myself to sleep because i realized how much other people DONT need me. and then this is were the whole line of thoughs of im not good enough and that nobody cares or likes me. and sometimes ill tweet about my feelings and then if im lucky someone asks whats wrong. and ill tell them and they will say that i deserve happness and such and somenights ill belive them. and others i wont but say i do so they stop preaching. and i know they mean well but you get in those moods where your stuck in your own head and nothing anybody says will change it. or they will say stuff and then you look on the internet and they are all bffs with someone else. and i get people have other friends but you know how you have ONE best friend. and that one is the FIRST/TOP friend. yeah i have that but i dont think its mutal. and it will never be. there will always be other people, better people than me. and it just sucks keep seeing it and having it rubbed in my face.

well before this gets anylonger than it already is, ill go and prob go to sleep. i hope you liked this story and feel free to give me suggestions

my twitter is

@bulimiastuggles