The Letter

I decided to write you a letter yesterday but in the end it seemed dumb and unimportant. Fake almost. Pointless little "i love you's" and "i'm so happy's" "we're going to get better's." And while you know that these are all true, of course i love you, of course we're going to get better, i am happy, but maybe i just disliked the way i presented it. I'll write you something that's more me.

I think it's obvious that that thursday was scary. I think it's obvious that it hurt me and maybe you too. But it helped us see, like you said, an urgency.
And so somehow i know that we are not finished.

I want to write more, I want to fill pages full of pretty words to describe how i love you. But i'm much too sure you'll get bored with this already too-long letter.
However, I can't help but write something.

I have this dream lately where i'm sitting in a wooden chair  and my clothes are laced in silver. I think i'm sleeping but i look dead, i look ghostly pale and my eyes are bright green and smell of grass and emeralds. You're pacing through the room and occasionly come over to stare at me only to start sobbing and to fall to your knees. You suddenly turn into ash and the ash turns into a silver key that just falls to the ground and site there. I feel watched and i can stil hear your sad cries and they turn to horrible shrills. It hurts my ears so much and i wake up.

This dream really bothers me and i'm not completely sure why. Maybe it's you crying, that sad sound is too much. Maybe that's it. Maybe your sad face or maybe i feel like i'm not htere, i'm not trying hard enough and i'm hurting you. But i don't know why you turned to ash or into a key. Or why i could hear your cries and your shrills.

I suppose i shouldn't dwell on it it too much. If i've learned one thing from you in these 357 days it's to not dwell on these silly things. Easier said than done. There are some things i have trouble remembering so i have trouble putting them into practice.

I know, love, that these things bother you. Thinks like i forget to laugh, i forget to trust you. I fourget to move on. I forget that you're my best friend as well as my love. I seem to forget the most basic things. I should walk around with poste-it notes and my body graffitied with these simple messages but they would have to be in some code because i'd be too embarrassed for people to know i forget these things:

mlac  эd
mih tzuяt
llэwb t'nob
hgual

Trusting is simple. I need to think of it as a rule maybe, I'm not ALLOWED to not trust you. We'll figure it out together. We'll keep trying together.

I know your hate wishes. They're just hope. And hope is the first step on the road to disappointment. Right? But i love wishes. I love hoping and making them and thinking it helps and pretending. Key word pretend, maybe. But i need hope. I need pointless little hopes. So i like wishing on stars, on dandelions, on 11:11, on jellyfish, on eye lashes, on pennies, on charms, on bracelets, on cat whiskers, and on birthday candles.
Everything.
And i like to think my many years of wishing brought you to me.

I wished someone would be here to love me and protect me. I wished for someone to be here when i hate my heard for being alive. I wished for someone who will love holding and kissing me. I wished for someone whou would be patient with me. Someon who would understand and challenge me. Someone who can help me get better. Someone who will try to cheer me up. Someone who is idenitical to you.
And that's what i got.
And i'm lucky. Oh yes. I said it. LUCKY. I know you don't believe in luck.

And this, seems more like me than all those fake words. And so i love you and we'll continue to try together.

I love you.
~Brianna.

Ps. It's cloudy enough today to stare directly into the sun and it makes me think of your beauty and i find myself fighting to hush the urge to cry.