What do you do?

What are you supposed to do when the one you trust and love threw you into a dark purple spiral called panic and swore and promised for eight months then decided one day they didn't know. That's not fair. And they can't do that. They can't. They don't get to. They don't HAVE that option.

They can't have sex with you and promise for that long and tell you every day then not know. They can't tell you that morning that everything's going to be okay then in an hour tell you that they don't know. Especially when you look up to them as someone who knows everything. And when they don't know something so easy that even you know, that you need to hear more than ever.
You want to die.

So what can you do? When you ask for that promise and they say "i don't know." you just sit in shock. In utter shock. You'd been crying for hours before but now you can't cry, let alone speak. You can barely breathe.
You want to die.

And they say your name and you don't respond. It's the third or fourth time by the time you realize you weren't blinking and just holding your breathe. But you held it because the second you let it out you would let everything out. But nature calls and you let waterfalls form. You cry for hours. You lay in your bed under the sheets thinking of everything you did to deserve this and all the "i told you so" 's you could tell your friends back home. And honestly,
You want to die.

You want to cut your legs open and pull the muscles out and string them across your room. You want to scream and mutilate yourself. It's the punishment you get. But you have some sanity left i'm sure. Or maybe they just wouldn't leave you alone long enough so you can just cry on the phone. No restraints, you don't care if you sound horrible,  just crying like your whole worlds been shattered. And it has. They were your world. You know what that means and you're waiting for the final blow. You're going to explode if you don't breath, but,
You want to die.

But no, you're not mad. You're not at all. You just sit there. And you sift through your memories. You sift through all the wreckage and hope that an ambulance will come to save your from it or tell you it was all a bad dream. But what do you do when your ambulance is what did this. It caused your car to spin out of control and hit the headlights.
You KNOW you'll die.

And something so strange happens. You start to laugh. You laugh it off, it's been three hours and you're smiling and laughing and just ignoring all problems. They'll all go away and you'll be safe again. Everything will be okay. It will be. You know it. Even if they don't know it. They've been telling you for about a year it will be. And you trust them. But you regret it. You regret talking to them. Giving them your phone number. Texting them back. Trusting them. No one's coming to save you. It's reality. People are all on their own. You think it's all some joke though. How unlike you, but it's because,
You died a little on the inside.

So they start to cry. THEY start to cry. What do you say to that. "It's going to be okay, I love you. I'm here for you. I promise." All ideal. But you can't. Because... you just can't. You would burst into tears and a part of you doesn't think they deserve to hear it. But you're there all the same. Not mad. Not telling them how selfish and sad you are. How could they do this to you, that's all you think. How could they do this to you and then cry about it. But you're not mad.  And oh no. They feel bad.
But you hope they die.

They ask if you'll hate them. Of course you'll hate them. Of course. Possibly the dumbest question you've ever heard. But you'll hate them. But love them more. And you'll hate your self even more. You say no. Because you remember. You remember what it was like before them. You were barely there. You were as there as you were this night.  You remember and you're not mad. You know it's going to end and it's all over. They're leaving. And..
They killed you.

They want you to sleep on the phone because they don't trust you not to hurt yourself, while this is probably smart, you won't sleep. You can't tell them you love them so you keep saying good night over and over. It's i love you in some foreign language or something, right? It is in your head. So you say it, "good night. good night. good night, sweet dreams. good night, sleep well, good night, text me tomorrow, good night, talk to you later, night." You would think by the context clues they would get it. "I love you, please don't go. I love you, i need you. I love you, you're going to abandon me, i love you, you're leaving me like them, How could you?" But they didn't.
I love you.

Eventually you're back to this morning. "I love you, i promise. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." You're afraid to ask if they really promise. That's how it started. You're afraid to trust them and and afraid to fall asleep because they could be gone when you wake up. Gone. Again. But you can't leave. Eventually the "i'm sorry" 's become to much and you make them replace it with something they mean, if they mean it, "I love you."

So... what do you do when that happens? When your world collapses in an hour. You know you'll go back to how you were before. You know you'll rot from the inside out. What do you do? You just let them spend the day saying "i love you" and "i'm so sorry i scared you." "I won't leave you. I promise. I'm here. I was so sad last night, i can't leave you. I know deep down i do love you." You've been here once before and pray it's different. You pray to a god you don't believe in.
Oh, and why did you cry for 8 hours and they cried for 6?