Up's And Downs

Self-hate notes

June 22


Ever since i can remember, when i cry at night, i put a blanket over me and curl up in a ball and cover my ears, sometimes pulling my hair and say something aloud. I say one thing out loud over and over and over and over. A highly versatile phrase. Such as "people would care if..." Or "it's my fault because.." And tonight. It's "if i were better....." And i could write pages upon pages finishing that sentence. But i don't think whoever's reading this wants that, it's a bit much to read. I've gotten everything i wished for a little girl, i've become everything i wished for. But better. I never wished to be better, i never wished to become better. But that's because i'm not better. "If i were better, as a little girl i would have wished to be better." But i'm not better. I'm not at all. Good night world, i have to go finish my sentence.


May 27th

I'm starting to remember. I'm starting to remember why i was sad, why my mom says those things, why i hid from everything. I'm starting to remember why i hated myself. It's just so obvious. But i'm oblivious, i forget the dumbest things, i'm so difficult to be around, i'm to serious. I'm just to imperfect. Too flawed. I'm not worth being put up with.  I forgot my place over the past few months i get that now. I don't want to be punished. I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to drift. I don't want to be yelled at. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to turn in to my mother. I'm tired but everytime i sleep i have nightmares. I never want to get off the phone because i don't want to be left alone. When i'm alone i cry even more than usual. I put my hands over my ears and try and block out everything, i fall to the ground and i can't speak. I'm to weak, my voice comes out too small. I don't know what to do. I don't understand why he is putting up with this. I know i'm not worth it. That has been made very clear for someone even as dumb as me. I know it. Good night world. I'm going to bed.