Shotgun

Walking around your suburb, I saw how beautiful you could really be. I hadn’t had any coffee in two days (I actually hadn’t been eating at all), and the sun melted me so easily that I had to sit down. The ground was dusty and you told me not to lie in the street like that. You said it, you did, what did you say exactly? My caffeine withdrawals took over and I couldn’t process anything clearly. Where was my mind, Dear? The sun was too bright so I squinted and saw everything backwards.

The roads by your house were full of hills; we walked up and down for miles that day, learning how beautiful you could really be. I played music through my headphones while you simply scowled about my over-dependence on rhythm.

Shining like a work of art
Hanging on a wall of stars
Are you what I think you are?
You're my satellite

I sang along and danced, shuffling sideways with my fingers pointed towards the sky. You didn’t do anything, so I grabbed your hand and made you feel something- I forced you, yes, I know I did.

We moved gracefully and found clarity in the dust on the ground; dirt stuck to the bottom of your pants and I complained that everything was dirty in the world and we’d all be better off just sitting down and avoiding life. You said things would work out, things always work out, everything will be alright, etc. cliché bullshit. I pointed at the Sargento factory and asked if working there would be a waste of life. You said that nothing is a waste of life if you can feel beauty and I said you were beautiful so I had nothing to worry about. I said it, I did, what did I say exactly? My caffeine withdrawals were taking over and I couldn’t process anything clearly. But I meant it when I told people that I was hung up on you. I meant it all but what I meant to say was that I intended to marry you after we were done with school or at least both turned twenty-one and could celebrate with a glass of wine. I know you know what I meant to say when I meant it.

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Today I cleaned out my wallet and found the list:

1.     You are so pretty.

2.     I will not give up on you.

3.     You deserve love.

4.     You won’t disappoint me,

5.     Even if you work at Sargento.

I remember how you wrote it for me to prove that I was not a waste of life, and I yelled at you and told you to stop! Stop telling me that s**t because it only makes it worse! I called love a waste of time and counted to ten. When they ask me if we kissed, I’ll ask them how an innocent girl could become such a w***e. When they want to know why I never detail my stories, I’ll ask them what a girl like me is supposed to do with loneliness. What’s supposed to come out of a bored and simple night? Tomorrow you are moving- up and over, elsewhere. The story is what I feel before you move so far away and I am forced to wash my clothes thousands of times without any reminder of your touch.