Father No. 1

A Poem by gravitylava

You’re so f*****g bashful- I bet my red fingernails make your stomach quiver noisily

I tuck a cigarette behind my ear and tell myself that I am strong

(My hands would look better touching your paleness)

I want to grow up and be tall!

Again and again and again I pull myself through the heat

I tuck a cigarette behind my ear and sit down in my therapist’s office- she tells me I’m brave

(I’m an egotistical poet- better than the rest because I pretend to be bold enough to live anyway)

My father stuck his hands down my pants and I capitalize my sentences by burning the ideas into my skin

F**k you! I hate you!

I am angry angry angry angry angry angry-

We read Goethe in your bed and I put my hand on your back and all of the sounds that we made were so smart- thoughts and laughter and that one time when we were both wearing black dresses and we were dancing and I leaned you against a wall and you said I wasn’t allowed to take drugs anymore and I said you had no idea and you let me trust you to touch me and and and and and and and and and and

I tuck a cigarette behind my ear and tell myself that I am wrong

Torture me- come back after 13 years and fall asleep in my stomach like a giant bear

You can have my uterus if you want it, Daddy- take anything you want from me because either way I’m just small and weak and remind everyone of their controlling conservative mothers

I will tuck myself into a tortilla shell and throw it away with all of the other food I can’t bear to look at

Michelle