Lysol

I am cleaning like a mad woman

scrubbing out my life, holding

up old photo’s and looking for whatever

could have led to this

           gapping hole in this life.

 

I never realized how

           [alone]

                I’ve always been.

always had a boy to lean on,

had someone to devote my love to.

but now I am cutting at the bits of my life

and I’m startled by what I’ve come up with.

 

my OCD is running ramped, and

the whole room smells like Lysol,

cucumber melon candles

                                [that i’m burning at both ends]

 

there are about twenty things I need

to do.

      sleep is definitely one of them.

                                but it is oddly very low on the list.

 

everything I try to see clearly,

comes out blurry and I’m lost in the meaning.

all of the solid grips, I thought my life

was based on. Now seem transparent

 easily broken.

                What have I been living off of?

my stomach is screaming.

                stress, mixed with my agoraphobia,

i haven’t left this room in a while.

 

[but this is control, isn’t it?]

 

I don’t know where I am going,

                                with this or with anything.

running in circles,  dizzy, my mouth is watering

watching all those kids dive right into life

 

 

dear Lord, please be my guiding light, i’ve

had my eyes closed for so long, Your face is

still a stranger. my heart is full of Love,

a feeling that I know is Yours, just

help me find how i can do all You want me

to do with this life You’ve given me.

Reviews

[rachel]

God is a big help - There were times when my world was crashing down and I didnt know where to go. But I kept praying and over time I realized what I had to do. Prayer and faith go a long way.
Great poem, as always.