So much fight left...

It has finally caught up with me.  I am running on

empty. Pulling energy out of nowhere. I finally

gave in a had an almost hole meal when

I got home. But I’m still miles away from being

okay.

 

Something in my brain just isn’t clicking.

All of my inspiration is probably drunk out

and about somewhere. And an odd stupid

loneliness sets in. I hate feeling needy.

Feeling that I can’t wait to see you.

And I hated today because I saw all the kids

I didn’t want to. If I could just...

stop.

everything.

 

I am so depressed all over again.

for no damned good reason either.

Just sadness crawling in and setting up

camp in the center of my chest.

Like stagnant water.

breathing is hard, pressure

building behind each intake

the end could be so

much closer if I did certain

things and just gave in.

 

But there is still so much fight left in me.

 

 

 

And

there are razor blades dancing their

hardened dance in the back of my mind.

I am so close to lapsing. Giving in

and forgetting all the reasons I have

not to do this to myself. Because

in these moments of obsessive

clarity, nothing else is in my

mind with me other than screaming

voices that remind me of the peace

when blood is rushing out of me

at whatever pace my heart sets.

 

I am going insane again.
losing the grip I thought I

had on everything around me.

But do not fret over this.

Do not worry or lose sleep.

 

I am impervious to anything

harmful.

 

 

But I just wish I had something

better to tell you. Because I am

not as strong as I am faking for you.

I am in a constant state of breaking

apart into a million pieces. And

with each passing moment,

I realize that I can not keep

faking these aching smiles. My lips

are cracking from the fire it takes

to hold up all the barriers I need in

order to make it through anything.

 

 

So forg[ive]et my sunken cheeks.

Ignore the look of fever in my eyes

I am not going to lie to you.

there really is something dreadfully

wrong with me. But it isn’t something

I can put a finger on. So I’ll

keep dancing around it in conversation

and hope [pray] that soon I’ll

wake up one day with you in my

arms and everything will be okay.

Reviews

[kaycee]

I hate feeling needy.
Feeling that I can't wait to see you.
And I hated today because I saw all the kids
I didn't want to.

I am in awe of how you are able to capture these feelings...This particular segment really hit me. How someone can just draw you in and amaze you. And how when you want them around, it always seems like every other person in the world is there but them.

[Pink Poison]

Wow, girl you have talent! This gave me goosebumps. I can so totally relate to it...it sucks to feel that way, but remember that it will pass. I don't think I've ever heard depression described better than this:

Just sadness crawling in and setting up
camp in the center of my chest.
Like stagnant water.
breathing is hard, pressure
building behind each intake

I am awed by this poem. I also can't get over the way you perfectly describe the urge to cut:

there are razor blades dancing their
hardened dance in the back of my mind.
I am so close to lapsing. Giving in
and forgetting all the reasons I have
not to do this to myself. Because
in these moments of obsessive
clarity, nothing else is in my
mind with me other than screaming
voices that remind me of the peace
when blood is rushing out of me
at whatever pace my heart sets.

and this:

Because I am
not as strong as I am faking for you.
I am in a constant state of breaking
apart into a million pieces. And
with each passing moment,
I realize that I can not keep
faking these aching smiles. My lips
are cracking from the fire it takes
to hold up all the barriers I need in
order to make it through anything.

It is so perfectly accurate that it makes me want to DO something, but what? Give you huge props, is all I can think. Truly great poem...thanks so much for sharing!