The round about way

I said I would not do this.

Wouldn’t be that girl, the one who

           needed and wanted and

missed way too much.

But, I’m fighting it anyway.

here wringing my hands, worrying

over the lack of contact, hoping

that you’re okay, wishing I was closer

so I could somehow hold you

when everything felt so hard that you

lean into  your best friend

Jack and turn your head from the

world.

               

                I don’t really know that much.

Don’t really know the whole story,

but I want to.

                I want you

                to feel like you can slip

out whatever you locked up for everyone else.

I am here. Open arms, with all of my

armor littering the ground.

Someone said I was using rose coloured

glasses, to which I could only respond to with a

                           “maybe”

yet its different, I do care, it hurts every time

I hear you cough the same cough that killed

my mother for 10 minutes until someone else

could breath for her. It makes my heart

pound when I think of you drinking alone

every night, pounding out poetry because

that is the only way you can.

                                All I can think of is my Mother’s story

                                of my father, who could only

                                play his guitar if he had enough Jack

                                in him, that Jack was playing for him.

Then the flashes start, weird imagines of my

childhood of substance abuse.

I am not ignoring the things in you that hurt. I see

it all too clearly. But.

                                When I am with you, my heart

           races summersaults screams

           and feels free. And all of the other

stuff, seems a million miles away.

it is all what’s in your head, the way you

think, the way I’ve always thought I was

alone in. I am not ignoring, it just doesn’t

matter as much as.... the rest?

 

                And sitting here, I am trying

to decide how much is too much?

How do I care for you, and still not leave

myself open to heart break again?

                                how do I open up to you,

                and still be okay with everything?

I just want it to be you and me.

Nothing else, our minds leaving everything

else behind, running over old town late into

the night. Talking, exposing little bits of ourselves

that don’t get aired very often.

 

With your warm hand engulfing mine,

burning away the freeze that had settled there.

And the way your smell, something I can’t

put a finger on, latched onto my hair, long

enough to make it to my pillow.

 

I don’t want to just be someone else

random, a story to tell for you.

Another digit, but I don’t think you’d

do that.

                [what the hell am I doing trusting again?]

I want to be able to smile at your mannerisms,

to have a solid reason for grinning like an idiot

every time I see you.

                I want to see you.

 

You said you don’t plan ahead. Okay.

I am trying to do the same, but I am a

nervous person by nature, I am on

an edge, balancing barely. I don’t want

to be that kind of girl who needs anyone

who misses anyone. I want to be stronger

than that. Need to be stronger than

depending on anything. But I just

want to feel you near again.

 

I just want...

                I’ve rambled and typed

                too much here, but I hope

                you see the point somehow.

 

I miss you

A lot.

Reviews

[Pink Poison]

This is great. It is so filled with life, it burns. All the childhood fears and illnesses repeating themselves again and again. I like the way you personify alcohol by calling it Jack. It makes it much easier to bear having him around - probably. What DO you do when you feel too much and there is no one else who understands? You write. And this is another excellent example of your pain on paper; strongly emotional without being sentimental. It's a hard line to walk and you did it perfectly...again.

[kaycee]

It's horrible to know somebody that you care about is suffering and that you love them enough to be there for them, but they don't come to you. This is so real.

[Aaron B.]

This is by far I believe...

your best...

the emotion so raw...

its amazing!

I am speechless

:)

thank you

[Rain Bo]

Reading this at lunch, and I almost cried. That would have been embarassing.

It was /really/ good, and I'm /really/ glad I read it.

[Parker Pearl]

i cried.
really.
for the first time in ages.

i wish i could explain how perfect a moment it has been reading this.
i'm a little drunk.
alone.
it's been a long day.

listening to the perfect song.
("Who Would've Thought" by Rancid)
and this hit me like a freight train.

not only do i want to see you again.
i NEED to.

[Michael Handel]

Wow! It's nice, as a fan, to see this happening....someone, you, who just keeps getting better and better and better...sharper, more concise, on point..."finding one's voice" I believe they call it. This is a truly-truly excellent poem.

[C. C. Burl]

Wow. This is incredible. The emotions come through so sharp it hurts to read it. All I can say is, amazing job. Flora.