Exhaustion

my exhaustion  is not loud enough right now.
I have too much food in my system, and enough
    sleep, a regular eight hours every night for the past
        four or five days now.
So I am awake. I am here, alive and in a serious need
for something to do.
    but I am stranded. My car laying dead in my drive way.
This is not a good thing. I have too much time to think,
and no one to talk to. I am here by myself
with my mind taking it’s sweet time at going
                                  f*****g
                                  insane.

I am not in a safe place right now.
        I will admit that open heartedly.
There is this...
        emptiness, growing
        gnawing at the center of my Chest.

Lord, Father... God.
I know you are there, safely watching above me.
And I know you Love me. More than I could
ever begin to Love myself.
    But I am here,
        alone in my room,
                with my thoughts running ramped
and I am cannot stay safe like this.
    It is winter, the days are colder now.
I could never tell a soul, and..

    And I would only be hurting You.
    You have given me more than I could have ever hoped for.
Placed these walls for me to hurtle,
only trying to make me stronger.

But I can’t help but wonder, that You
must know something that I do not.
I am not strong enough yet. I still need
the blood running down my arm to
be able to breathe calmly. I still need
something to destroy so I can fake the
happiness all the time.
I am not the warrior that I portray.
Sitting here, I am splitting at the seams.
Left alone and on the verge of exploding
I do not know what else to do.

With tears streaming internally,
because I’ve shut them off externally
I pray to You, pray for me, and beg to
still survive this.

I know I am testing fate. I’ve walked
the edge of death too many nights
and still woken unscathed. There
has to be a limit on the chances I get
to wake up again. I must be pushing some
threshold, soon I’ll just go too far, and
someone is gonna have to call back all these
favors I’ve used up. There has to
    be a point
to which You, as almighty and wonderful as You are
    will realize I am an endless pit
        of never being enough,
            never giving enough.
    I am the infinitely useless child
that should have been forgottn.

Reviews

[Lady Lazarus.]

I know I am testing fate. I've walked
the edge of death too many nights
and still woken unscathed. There
has to be a limit on the chances I get
to wake up again. I must be pushing some
threshold, soon I'll just go too far, and
someone is gonna have to call back all these
favors I've used up. There has to
be a point
to which You, as almighty and wonderful as You are
will realize I am an endless pit
of never being enough,
never giving enough.
I am the infinitely useless child
that should have been forgottn.



This poem made me collapse into tears.I know exactly what you mean.
your way with words and emotion is breathtakingly beautiful.
thankyou for writing such a raw ,sad but perfect poem.
the true epitome of poetry

[Salvatore Buttaci]

I was hooked from line one! A very good poem.

Sal

[Parker Pearl]

this is an interesting write.
it displays once again the quality of your writing that i adore most,
in that it is like an honest, open sort of confrontation with a god figure.
i love how it follows the religious suit towards the beginning, stating the power of the omnipotent being, but at the end displays hints of doubt and despair towards the maker.
great, great stuff.

i really do love your work.

[Aaron B.]

AHHH

I acidentily deleted my comment GRR!!

I hate my computer sometimes!

I hope you read it, if not I repost it :)

[He@ther!]

This is amazingly well-written!!:)
I love your honesty and sense of vulnerability, its beautiful and something that people can relate to:)
I agree with everythin Aaron said
We are all broken, but Christ loves us anyway, so much that he died for us all:)

Great work!!!:)

-Heather

[dilettante1890]

beautifully written!