Boy.

my Insomnia and I had a talk last night,

                I swore to it, that yes I did in fact have to sleep.

So swallowing some pills [not too much, just enough]

and crawling into bed [I thought I’d won the war]

sleep followed me loyally. It only took mere

moments [or so it seemed] for me to

wake covered in sweat and screaming at the

top of my lungs.

 

I suppose insomnia never was my real enemy.

I just haven’t slept in so damned long that I’d

lost sight of that.

And so, with imagines of “love” gone wrong

newly imprinted on my eyes, I laid there

sobbing, slowly trying to calm my mind.

All that I can catch, in the quickly changing

flashes- his fist raised, my heart beating love

knowing that I’d never let a lover hit me.

I wished I’d be dead [wrong]. Somehow

that whole thing got easily out of control.

Bruises where any clothing covered,

my arms my own victims, while I silently

ignored that I was his.

 

Laying there, my heart racing and palms

sweaty, fists clenched. I realized I’m

not the loveable type. Let me

recount it to you, as I told it to myself.

1st boy, two years of being slammed into walls

and swallowing my own blood from his fist

fast and hard in my side.

2ed boy, another two years where he loved me dearly

enough to always push and shove, but never hit,

he knew that’d be the final straw again.

3rd boy, now he was perfect. But just late

enough on the game, to find me already broken.

With him I fought eight months to get my head

[heart] straight only to find he was done with it.

 

So here I am. Broken. I swear to you, with

more thought put behind it than my promises

to Insomnia, that I am unlovable. Something

poisonous has been injected into my kiss.

And as you talk of being destructive your self,

of how you’re the worst that it could get.

I can only wonder how we’d turn out?

Could you survive my intense waking

dreams? Would you hold me while I

sobbed over boys now long gone and

not here to hurt me anymore?

Would you kiss away my tears

and still love me with out hate

in your eyes?

I know I could hold you

during  your worst nights,

keep you close and help you

through your drunken lullabies.

 

And here, I find myself. Stuck, crying

and not knowing if I’ll ever

want to try my hand at love again.

But in my head dear, you’re almost

a glimmer of hope there.

 

 

 

Reviews

[Parker Pearl]

this is so incredibly powerful.
i nearly cried, i swear to god.
it takes a lot to get me that worked up, but your writing always gets me there.
you are so honest...there is so much pent up in your words that it feels like it might all explode from the screen...and yet the balance and flow you maintain keep it somehow all under control. beautiful...

[Chad Halle]

Yes! moving; dances and weeps across the eyes. sweeps off feet to capture compassion for self, not pity, not sympathy, yet hugs the reader, writer, and poem compassionately

[Michael Handel]

I agree completely with these lads below. This is an absolutley incredible, powerful, honest, rich, deep, multi-faceted poem. This totally blew me away Rachel...so thanks for that.

[MagicHearted Knight]

Wow! I never knew how much hurt you held within. You are so very brave to lay yourself out there like this and your writing is just so very pure. You have a truly immeasurable gift. Phenomenal use of emotional connections to once again pull the reader in.