Sleep

Another old one. 03/03/08

Please No CSS

Sleep is something impossible and unattainable.  My hand are shaking and nothing really makes sense except my music isn’t loud enough, but any louder and my head starts to hurt. I can feel what might be a migraine growing slowly, forming into it’s lethal dose, behind my eyes. The light from my over head keeps casting shadows that play tricks with my eyes.  It is too late to be doing this, sitting up and feeling like my skin might look better if I could see it from a different view. I wish I had something that I could take to go to sleep, and yet this is the closest I have felt to what I think I should feel like in a very long time. I cannot talk to anyone about this, these nighttime insanities are mine to hold and adore all by myself.  I am afraid to leave home, to be away from here.  I cannot stay with him and lay in that bed where I can never stretch as much as I want to.  I don’t know if I can keep up with this whole love, sociability, grown up life thing. I wish I had kept my promise to kill myself the night before graduation.  Maybe it isn’t too late now.  And everyone thinks these thoughts are so beyond me.  If only they knew. I am losssssiiiiinnnnnnnggggg what ever war I was supposed to be fighting, was it against insanity or was I fighting for the other side? Which side is winning... everyone seems to think I am doing so well, that I am fine. The near perfect college student who just flies by with a job, plus school, and a boyfriend, not to mention trying to suddenly develop a social life.  I just want to crawl under a rock. But I am terrified of ending up where I started with no money and no future.  I built all of this for myself. but I want to burn it to the f*****g ground.  I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I wish we had run away to Canada when you’d suggested so long ago.  I love you, you know that? But I hate hate hate hate frhsiuepiefwf odohgp89 rfdhate you for leaving me all alone to deal with all of this f*****g s**t by myself. You didn’t have to wait that long or anything.. just had to make it through and I would have waited forever... and we could have made it through together. 
But that isn’t reality. You just wanted to f**k around and run your life into the ground and leave me here trying to hold things together.  You Left Me Here.             And I can’tcan’t can’t be here. I think I need to run up the street instead of across it and soak in the tub again... I don’t know who to call or who to turn to. I feel panicked and I can’t not find peace in this seemingly never ending struggle that goes from day to day. And just when I feel like I have won a battle, I realize this is a never ending war, and the upper hand is unattainable.  I will never repeat never win the upper hand.  I donot know what to do.  I want to crycrycrycrycrycry.  I don’t know where to go from here.  Because now I feel deflated and with out all of this, all pent up inside, I am a falling hot air balloon.  If I killed myself would they finally see that the image I threw at them was all bull s**t and I really needed some support?

Reviews

[Tim Lawless]

Well, if you killed yourself, I'd really miss you. I don't know if that's worth much, but I really would. It would tear me up to know that I'd missed out on getting to know such an amazing person better.

I promise to keep praying for you. I have every night since we started talking. Maybe you're the one who needs a hug.

[Khance]

Reality:
Life is a constant struggle, it throws s**t at you over and over in the hopes of suppressing you. If you truely want to be rid of your problems, face them as opposed to hiding from them. If you think they cant be worse, throw a terminal illness into the situation. If you think that nobody will listen, look to the comments below, if you think that nobody wants to hear your story, ask the question, why are these people writing for you?

If you were abandoned by a guy, then he wasnt right for you. Harsh realities of life are the ones that are too scary to face. You're a smart girl, you said a near perfect college student. You have friends, even if they seem to be immitation friends that dont understand or listen to you, you have lots of positives going for you as well as you look very attractive. All you have to do is stop focusing on the negatives for a while and look at the positives.

Without preaching, I had a rough enough time with friends that had terminal illnesses... and friends that are crippled. I dont sympathise with them nor treat them differently... thats what the world does to them. Im treating you the same, im not going to tell you everything is going to be okay, im just telling you that if you try, it is possible to get out of whatever depression you're in.

Only one thing in life is certain, Death... so make the most of what you have before you meet your end.
Oh, and arguing with me is healthier than giving up, so if you want to tell me how i dont understand and how much of an A*s i am... add me as a friend :)



Fiction:
Fantastically written, you should be proud of the emotion protrayed in this and how easily you seem to be able to take the reader in.

[Daniel]

Wow. That was really deep.

So much was happening at once. I don't know if this is just a story, or real life, but if it's just a story I love the way you show all the inside conflicts that people go through every day that nobody ever notices.

It's sad to me to know that there are people in our world that go through this every day and nobody even sees it.