Under The Tracks

I hope your ride to Glasgow was a blast

I never knew you summered there

was it hotter than the seventh circle

did you bring something to read?

 

I know you didn't get the thing

I never sent, it rambled on and on

and I nearly choked the lady at the mail

until she gave it back

 

You're just too lovely,

you make me queasy and uneasy

like the platform where you're waiting

The tram comes in and

the station seems to move,

not the stationary car

 

My love, I meant to write to you

but I knew you'd be afraid

I didn't want to wreck

your time away from everything

 

I'm with you now

Your haute umbrella twirling,

a melon in the sea of ripened fruit.

 

The flakes stick to the rails

Naked in the steam

fleeing from the engineer and

Skiing down a peacoat

 

It's like a dream, this

Foreign port of commerce and horizontal lines,

a byway to another time, or

a land under the tracks.

 

The ash comes down

you're waiting to evacuate

The people freeze like relics

Counting down to their departure

 

You're like them, aren't you,

I can see that now, as you

Drag your linen bag and check the clock

Dust the water off your thigh

 

If you'd chance a look in glass to see yourself

Surrounded by your clothes and all alone

You'd catch me sitting at the table

crunching up this piece of paper

prepared to let you 

throw it all away

Reviews

[Devons]

There is a calm, gentle, lilting melancholy about this piece, and its hint of sadness is conveyed in such a way that it could be described as a pleasant sensation without irony. There's an almost ghostly feel to it, as though the narrator who is describing this scene is not actually there at all, but is present in spirit. The imagery is romantic but at the same time wistful - the scene and the moment is out of reach to the narrator, and there is a sense of fruitlessness, of controlled despair somehow.
In reference to the image it is based on, the poem presents the scene in a double-edged influence - the unknowing subject becomes a part of everything and everyone within it, just another of the figures lost in the crowd. And the poignancy of both the scene and the person is brought out as one, co-mingled. Perhaps the setting was made for such human events.
A well-conceived and thoughtful, soulful piece of writing, comprising emotional clarity in a fine, objective balance. The romance and meaning in reference to life big and small is elicited with a universal touch. A somewhat haunting sense of understated tragedy, which therefore is all the more effective for its subtlety.

[Thaddius]

Thanks, quite eloquent. There's an expressionistic vibe going on... I guess I intended for the scene to take on some of the emotionality of the narrator, because I never let my people outright say how they feel. There are so many directions I wanted to go with this one! Please post more prompts when you can

[Devons]

I certainly will. Glad you find it interesting. Salute!

[Sindu]

A brilliant, crazy mix of weird and utterly beautiful words! I loved how you pull and push the scene but still placing it stock still where you want it. I agree with these varied set of reviews here. It's a different experience, this write of yours.

[Perkele.7885]

There is a detached way in which you write this piece as if, ok, i am writing it and if i finish it, well that is ok as well

[JayceeC]

I like the way you keep changing focus it's like a glance around the scene. That up close eye gaze for the personal conversation, the nervous glance that takes in the surroundings, and then the wide angle that shows you weren't close at all.
The bits and pieces of personification and metaphor make this both sophisticated and fun: Flakes skiing, melons twirling, relics, naked flakes. They made this colorful amidst the pieces of regular narrative. Investing thoughts from this picture prompt.

[Thaddius]

Thanks. It was definitely an exercise in pulling someone into focus.

[JayceeC]

I'm just glad I don't have to be the judge of the contest.

[emmajoy]

' It's like a dream, this .. .. Foreign port of commerce and horizontal lines, .. .. a byway to another time, or .. .. land under the tracks. '

Utterly outside the box emotion! How writers are interpreting this Capture cue is more than fruitful.. shows the diversity of thought, of how minds work.

Find this write strangely surreal, not in a shapeless or loose way but refined complexities of romance, dialogue, hope, question, sadness - and far, far more. Tis as if two halves have been melded and put in a lop.sided glorious frame.

[Thaddius]

Thanks Emma! It's a weird brew. I agree, it's fascinating. I loved reading these and straining out the approach from the verse to distill the poet, at least a little.

[emmajoy]

You did more than well!

[Bluefire]

Sincere, drifting uncertainties.
I like the way you described the train and the tracks, the snow and everything in its own little snow-globe of a world. It has always been my favorite form of travel, the train, for reasons which I couldn't quite point to, nor speak of clearly.
This was a beautiful, melodic piece. Yes, there was a tune, a peaceful tune.
Well played.

[Coyote Poetry]

A beautiful journey in your words. Had the feel of a Hemingway day.
"The flakes stick to the rails
Naked in the steam
fleeing from the engineer and
Skiing down a peacoat"
I enjoyed the complete poem. The above lines stood out for me. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[Thaddius]

A sincere thanks! I think that's my favorite part too

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.

[Fran Marie]

it seems the narrator knows the subject better than she may know herself.. she with her haute/fashion clothes.. yet she is just as ordinary as the common hoi polloi surrounding the platform..there seems to
be a great deal of pretense that finds her all alone in the end ..

a rather poignant piece so well written and expressed

[Sweet_pale_cacophony]

As Devon describes in his beautiful review, indeed this writing is calm and gentle in its wording. When I was writing on this image, I'd thought of similar theme where the scene was described from a narrator's perspective... The flow in the structure here was subtle and elegant. I am glad I could read your words today.

[Thaddius]

thanks, really appreciate it!

[K.]

This was really good! Starting out in that first stanza, I thought that it would sound better if it had rhymed or something, but as the poem went on, I decided it is great just the way it is! I love this line: "I know you didn't get the thing/I never sent" and that last stanza. Great write, can't wait to see more of what you come up with in that tortured little writer mind of yours :))