Boxes Alt

Does this format make the flow more apparent?

It would be hard to fit me in a box,

or package me as something that was fit to stay in one,

a pity, then, the rock-star suites I'd kill to see have hallways of contempt for me and refuse to host my moods or will,

unless of course I choose  myself to kill, then I'd fit fine... 

and the cubes with seeming endless space

that trace my name in puffs the clouds encase, 

that tease and flutter like a comfort in my ear,

those I'd settle for, but never seem to find.

 

In my gut I know that angles, sides

cut real estate from peace of mind,

but pieces of my saneness lie like paper clues that scatter in an August gust, ones I lurch to grasp in stabs at finding sense in chaos, but must  gather and reverse design, 

to architect the single box with specs that won't reject me, 

and to raise the towering mass to what it was the day He decided to eject me.

 

Then I'll fling myself in all the resurrected scraps,

and tear the boxy crap to less than evidence,

I'll thrash in all the fallout,

through the fading summer mist,

 to rid myself of all of it, perhaps,

to prove I don't exist and never did.

Author's Note

what do you think, does this seem different to you when you read it?

Reviews

[R J Askew]

Funny, I'm surrounded by boxes, mostly with Amazon written on them. Also this is tick-box time in many a company, or at least my old company where you have to go through the BIG LIE i.e. annual appraisal, usually an online thing of many boxes which require great skills in faking it through and hoping you are not going to be one of the 10 percent who get 'transitioned' back into the community - fired to encourage the others.
So screw boxes.
Really like the first verse where the internal rhymes work really well. Like the repeat also That trace/That tease. Like 'I choose myself to kill' and I like all the 'm' sounds in there, too. It feels cheery and confident without being loud and egotistical.
The second verse runs away with itself a little. The content is more about work and struggle and 'reject' seems like the pivotal word.
The third verse returns to a more ordered state. The crisis passes with the destruction of the damned box and ends with a little wistful pondering on being.
Actually now I look at two again, I do like 'reverse design' i.e. unpick everything, defy those who would box us and impose their order. Maybe two cld be trimmed a little? But then maybe it is an act of reverse design and so is fine as it is.
The ending is such a contrast to the ending of THE CATCH. Hard cop, soft cop stuff! Both work really well.

[Thaddius]

Don't know if there is such a thing as the good cop anymore. I guess he probably is good by virtue of preserving the perp long enough to get to an actual interrogation. But I digress.

By reverse design, I loosely mean reverse engineer, to build something from the remnants of something already build/ to figure out how something works by taking it apart. It's a bit of a scattered thought, like the scattered paper clues themselves.

I know what you mean about the second verse. I think its perfect, and maybe it's because I read the line 'but pieces of my saneness lie like paper clues that scatter-in-an-August-gust' with the latter part in one giant compound word. It's more manic, to match the shift in tone, chaotic. The 'lurch to grasp in stabs at finding sense' piles on these words to convey the breathless, panicked type of action the lines describe. So I'd never make it tidier, and I see you catch on to the anarchy of it.

Thanks again for taking the time!

[R J Askew]

It wld be good to hear you record it .. flat on the page the intent can be diluted.
I'm all for reverse engineering .. re-verse to me also means to rewrite or rethink something. Most people settle for what they first see. But to question everything is far more exciting. Like being a test pilot with werds! Maybe each one of us has a 'word imprint' or our lives. When we think that way things get really exciting. And the body becomes insignificant. But most people wld just laugh at that idea. Enjoyed both reads for different reasons.

[TL Boehm]

In my gut I know that angles, sides
cut real estate from peace of mind,
but pieces of my saneness lie like paper clues that scatter in an August gust,

well this is a splendid write. Especially that line.

[Catherine]

Even though the words are exactly the same this version definitely flowed better to me. I know what you mean about breaks in poetry for the visual impact but be careful with that. Read your poem out loud as if you've never seen it before, pausing where the line breaks. It will help you get a better idea of how others hear your poem and if you're writing for someone other than yourself it helps to make sure it makes sense to an audience. Great revision!