Boxes

It would be hard

to fit me in a box

or package me as something that was fit

to stay in one, a pity, then, the

rock-star suites I'd kill to see have hallways of

contempt for me and 

refuse to host my moods or will

unless of course I choose 

myself to kill, then I'd fit fine... 

and the cubes with seeming endless space

that trace my name in puffs the clouds encase, 

that tease and flutter like a 

comfort in my ear,

those I'd settle for, but

never seem to find.

 

In my gut I know that angles, sides

cut real estate from peace of mind, but pieces

of my saneness lie like paper clues that scatter in an

August gust, ones I lurch to grasp in stabs

at finding sense in chaos, but must

gather and reverse design, to

architect the single box with specs that won't reject me, 

and to raise the towering mass to what it was the day 

He decided to eject me.

 

Then I'll fling myself in all the ressurected scraps,

and tear the boxy crap to less than

evidence, I'll 

thrash in all the fallout 

through the fading summer mist,

 to rid myself of all of it, perhaps, to 

prove

I don't exist and

never did.

Reviews

[Latifa]

this poem is very deep but I think it requires the reader to reread it too much to grasp the meaning of it, but it's a good poem after all. good job

[Jeannette Lunete]

It is a mercilessly good portrait of existential lostness. I love it.

[Thaddius]

thanks I appreciate that

[Dark Poet]

This poem is incredibly deep and sad. Obviously taken from a dark place in your mind. I love the perspective and how you wrote this. It was different than most. I enjoyed it immensely. Great write!

[Thaddius]

thanks so much, I like how you take it for what it is

[Catherine]

The overall idea of this poem I think is something that everyone can relate to and yet it's a sentiment that has been expressed so much it sometimes becomes cliche. I applaud you for not letting it become a teenage angst poem that reads "blah blah blah don't label me blah blah blah". Kudos. However I did find it hard to get into in the beginning. Maybe if I knew you personally I would be able to understand your reason for adding that bit about the rockstar suites. You may not have meant it literally but I took it as: you don't fit into a typical "rockstar" stereotype and it's hard for you to become part of something that automatically rejects you because you don't find into that box. Unfortunately those problems will arise since the majority of your audience will not know you personally. I suggest clarifying that line or better yet adding more to the poem about who you are as a person. Give us more examples of why no one can fit you in a box. Use your poetic language (because honestly, you do have a poet's voice) to show your uniqueness. This will not only clarify that single line, but will also help your readers see why it's so incredibly difficult to label you and will even take you further away from the cliche of "blah blah blah don't label me". To wrap things up (because I know I go on forever) take a quick look at your rhythm. Although the great thing about free verse is you don't have to follow a certain structure you still want to be careful about making your lines too choppy. Free verse should flow easily and the line breaks should really be nothing more than natural pauses. If you revise, I would love to read it again. This is a brilliant beginning and I think it will only get better with some small changes.

[Thaddius]

thanks. I appreciate all the constructive feedback. The choppiness thing is something I have heard, but I don't quite understand it. My poem is basically defined by impeccable flow in my ear, so it must be how I skip lines. I think I skip for a visual impact that is separate from how to read it, and some people pause where I break and read it wrong.

[Thaddius]

I wrote it out again in new format, under 'boxes alt'. What do you think, is the flow different to you?

[brianna vega]

I know that angles, sides
cut real estate from peace of mind" -love it

[hardeep sabharwal]

No one ever want to fit in a box, nice poem nice expression :)

[Elina]

As always, it is such a pleasure to read your works. You have a wonderful way with words and, though your writing does not feel dreadfully overworked, I can tell you put much contemplation into the right order and wording.

[Thaddius]

thank you Elina I appreciate your opinion as always

[Ashira Macy]

I really liked this, it had a lot of artistic imagery and word play. My only suggestion would be to perhaps lay out the lines a bit differently. As it was, it was difficult for me to find the meter (though perhaps that was my own issue, but reading it out loud it was choppy.)

but pieces
of my saneness lie like paper clues that scatter in an
August gust, ones I lurch to grasp in stabs
at finding sense in chaos,

These were my favorite lines, they were absolutely riveting. I can just imagine trying to catch those paper bits of sadness in turbulent winds. Really wonderful job.

[Thaddius]

I wrote it out again in new format, under 'boxes alt'. What do you think, is the flow different to you?

[AprilRN1210]

I enjoyed the message and your descriptions.. If I am being honest, the way you broke up certain lines made the flow a little awkward and chopped the ideas somewhat.. Some people work so hard to fit in certain "boxes" in life, or judge others based on the "box" that they label them with.. I think this is a tragedy and should be avoided.. I liked the tone and attitude of the piece as well.. overall well done..

[Thaddius]

I wrote it out again in new format, under 'boxes alt'. What do you think, is the flow different to you?

[AprilRN1210]

much better, yes... good job...

[Rene Salinas]

The word dichotomy came strong at me as soon as I finish this writing. It is expressed with tones of reverence, there is also tones of discontent because on one hand the awareness of the whole of the fragmented pieces. And how could I disagree, how much of a moment would be when you can finally contain your individuality as whole? It proves evasive though for reasons to me unknown so you are left with the boundless fragmented pieces. But the intentions throuout are described gently but affirmatively you wish to be a whole! So much so that you are willing to prove your anti - exsistence based on your yearning.

A small and very personal suggestion Thaddius with no hope or intention to criticise: In this line "or package me as something that was fit" If your intention is to have a sense for your wholeness wouldn't it have been " package the I in me". Just curious.

Thankyou