The Ways of Water

My teardrops stutter in an inner lid 

inversion, a smattering of sentiments that 

swell and shrink upon arrival.

They can't, won't flow, these 

channels,  tides that lurch, 

indulgent river mouths that 

just won't spill - do these

oceans drain of their own accord, 

to save some future wave from faltering 

before the shore?

Streaked with propane sores,  

suspended glass,

these waters mustn't grasp 

their gashed, reflected

wound, their

city-wrecking force,

but rise!

in vapors, bask

in spotless skies and

 weave 

their clear and 

cloudy course 

that penetrates 

my 

eyes.

Author's Note

Just changed this even more. There is a certain meter in the end, and my revisions were an exercise in maintaining the momentum, through the rhyme as well as meter and of course the balance of imagery. Too much going on and I lose you a little

Reviews

[MachinaWriter]

The very format of this poem is like water. The tides, rising and falling, coming in and receding. You describe the emotion that can be caught in a single glance, a single look within a person's eyes, and you display it for the reader in an imaginative and poignant manner. Keep it up, Thaddius. It was enjoyable and well worth the read, and even more worth the contemplation.

[Belle]

You have depicted here a subjective emotions and internal truth and with these this poem, I believe, goes to the category of expressionism.

Teardrops are not just beads in the eyes, but they are “ glasses” / reflections of wounds and rises from pains, despair, frustrations among the many other struggles within. Perhaps, they are the reasons why the poetic persona is practicing self-restraint and/or controlling, holding the feelings depicted by the tears.

“ My teardrops stutter in an inner lid
inversion, a smattering of sentiments that
swell and shrink upon arrival.
They can't, won't flow, these
channels, tides that lurch,
indulgent river mouths that
just won't spill - do these
oceans drain of their own accord,
to save some future wave from faltering
before the shore?”

You showed in those lines a very detailed picture of suspended tears…I always speak here about the difference between telling and showing; what is in poetry is showing and not telling. As poet we have to weave words to bring our readers to the experience, to the moment that we speak about. Choices of word is truly important, the word’s connotation, its denotation matters, one mistake can ruin everything specifically if the poet is trying to show a detailed picture of the moment or the experience et al. I must say, you have done here an excellent job for both.

About the author’s note, I think I understand what you mean, often we feel that there is something that we have not done to our poem, that we can still do something more to make it better and we do not stop until we are very happy with the result. It happens most of the time, but there are cases that when we do too much tweaking, we lost the purity of the poem’s soul…

[Thaddius]

Thanks for the detailed review!

Revising is like plastic surgery, although when I do it I try to tap back into God's desktop and deposit stem cells in the verse.

You are on the money in your ideas about showing versus telling. I err on the side of showing too much, and telling too little. I don't need you to get me, I need you to feel me. 'You feel me, Jerry???', like Cuba G. from Jerry Maguire. 'Ya knowwwww??'

[AYVID N]

Read the poem once again. The changes make the thought process glide through the reader's mind in one smooth and fluid movement. Thanks for sharing.

[Tinotenda Nyevedzanai]

Beautifully written, the first line was captivating. Overall a lovely flow to the piece very good use of commas and a unique style of writing.
I wasn't all so fond of the last part of the poem, the
" weave
careen and
stream in course
to penetrate
the orbit
of my
eyes."

I feel you separating the words as you did made me read it in blocks, it sounds a bit lifeless but the words you used themselves are beautiful however I would revise the layout because the rest of the poem is great but that end in all honesty sounds a little boring.

"Streaked with propane sores," I really have no idea why you have used propane as an analogy in a poem about water it confused me a little?

Altogether a lovely poem with pleasant imagery keep up the good work :)

[Thaddius]

thanks! i agree with you about the end, at least in the way i understand your criticism. There is a necessary gravitas in reading the words, for the effect to come through. without it, the words don't cut into you and aren't as viscerally impactful. I have tweaked the ending. I still have weird spacing, and you really need to ignore it and just read according to the punctuation. My spacing is from a meter, thematic standpoint, each line break is not an instruction to pause.

Oh, and propane! You'll have to read into that one a little more. Alright, I'll just tell you: what's a form of pollution? An oil spill! The image is of littered gases and 'glass' in the ocean, and I picked it to tie in with the self-aware way of feeling that I begin the poem drowning in

[Tina Louise UK]

Superbly done...great imagery, loved the layout...all round great read :) x

[lovejulez03]

I really enjoyed this.. first two lines especially - they grab your attention. You seem to have used the perfect words and a great structure for this poem. Well done!

[Sugar Plum ♥]

I didn`t read the first version, but I really like this piece, it`s impressive, strong and personal...There is something very tender in it, to feel and describe the overcoming feeling, water is my favorite element..It shouldn`t be stopped from its way..Your lines flow naturally, make the inner process of emotions so vivid, as if the human heart is part of nature...So good! thank you for sharing it!

:: sugar plum :

[Thaddius]

thanks for the wonderful review. your line 'make the inner process of emotions so vivid, as if the human heart is part of nature' is so spot on! It's exactly what I like to do

[Sugar Plum ♥]

You are welcome, and I really loved your poem :)

[AYVID N]

Bravo. The poem flows like water. These lines were just too good...

"oceans parched, of their own accord,
to save some future wave from faltering"

.......
Something stops the tears from spilling and as the poet ponders over the possible reasons, the reader gets some extremely memorable and novel poetry to read. Tears being described as suspended glass is brilliant. I also like the restraint that poet expresses so beautifully in these lines...

"Streaked with propane sores,
suspended glass,
these waters mustn't grasp
their gashed, reflected
wound, their
city-wrecking force,
but rise!"

The word propane stood out to me as well.

This is a very awe-inspiring write for me. It will also encourage your readers to make efforts to include unconventional and striking imagery in their writing.

[Thaddius]

thank you thank you thank you! now i can sleep. I knew it was good yesterday, but I kept myself and the emotional keywords out of it, it was only emotional imagery with no grounding, and thus was just for me to fully get. Tonight I added in the space and context that in my limited experience, brings the heart of the poem into the light of day and involves the intellect of passersby. Everything can benefit from restraint, including restraint! or should I say omission. Restrain from leaving too much out, at least in my case, and you'll find you've left out just enough. I have a hunch my problem is the reversal of the norm, like a competent singer allegedly sings sharp instead of flat, because they are over singing, not hesitating. Anyways, thanks Divya, I wish I could have some tea with you in India, but I'll have to settle for the warmth of your words. Night!

[AYVID N]

Restraint is the key word here. As you told me some time back, leave something for the reader to imagine and involve their intellect. Don't put everything out there. Its hard but you did it superbly in this poem.
You are most welcome :)
Thanks for the tea. Have a great day!

[emmajoy]

There's a ripe touch of skill and imagination in this, water in its myriad forms ihas its way with human thought! Some powerful lines and a finale that doesn't fade but rises to the occasion.

[Eddie M deadwolf]

Hello friend; you got a good poem here, it can read like a ballad... Right on man, you can't hold back its nature, the waters will find their own level, an do what they naturally do, flow an ebb with the tides, or run wild with destructive force, it cant be held back... This reminds me very much of human nature, tryin to fight what we naturally are, it cant be helped... "Do the oceans sap of their own accord, to save some future wave from faltering before the shore?" You got something good here man, great line, keep up the godo work my friend: deadwolf

[Baby Ricochet]

Streaked with sores of black propane... Cool line. Good poem