The Suburb-Zone

This is the beginning of a story I haven't finished. Title (and everything), is strictly 'working'.

Everything is as it should be. That’s what Mom likes to say when she’s upset. She wipes her brow with an oven mitt and stuffs her face with the leftovers from breakfast. Picks at the tape on the phone and twists it into a perfect genome.

She’s not a domestic woman. It’s true, her cakes and protein-waffles are more than adequate. Sometimes we even catch her practicing when we get home early from one of the drills. She’ll be swirling around the kitchen, grasping in all directions for forgotten boxes of flavor flakes, juggling the butter and the eggs and the flakes in a cloud, throwing them like paint at the unsmiling cooker.  When we swing open the door she reaches for the phone, her animation straining through the receiver like canola oil.

It’s just me and Mom and my little brother Charlie. It’s been that way for as long as we’ve been hauled up here. ‘The Suburb-Zone’, it’s called. Someone must have gotten a real kick out of that. There’s a ‘Metro-Zone’ too, and even an ‘Agri-Zone’. It’s like that everywhere.

I know what you’re probably thinking. ‘Oh great, another zombie apocalypse, another great plague dystopian gooey smooch-fest’. If I were you, I’d hold on tight to that idea for at least another minute. I envy you. I do. I envy everyone who doesn’t know and can imagine a despair of tangible, commercial origin. Sometimes I sit up late and skim through those scenarios, altering mine so I can drink in the asphalt air and taste the significance of our era. But as soon as the quarter hour hits, the brigade of steel-plated buses steams and settles into its choreography outside the window, and I remember that civilization is as alive and well as ever. So yeah, hold on to that post-apocalyptic bullshit.

Sometimes I wonder if the sameness is in my mind, and not a fact of living when we do. What if it’s a vision I’m having, like one of those waking dreams they hawk at any of the corner shops in Metro-Zone? You shoot a little thumbtack into a neck vain, and suddenly you’re in a tundra or in orbit over one of Jupiter’s moons. Each trip is a singular experience, but bottled, exacting, we know, not some subjective freak out like the Mescaline leaves I’ve read about. We know cause we’ve split the doses.

All these ‘Memo-Shots’ cost the same, and they’re not labeled. They’re all pinned up on this shiny perforated rail, in order of the color of their wrappings, from light to dark. Each gives off a distinctive aura. One of the green ones was of sea glass, I remember, and somehow entangling. A deep bluish one was oppressive and endless, constricting and limitless all at once. The one that caught my eye was the red one. It pulsed and glittered, and something in it wailed of a mutated cottage with warped halls and a striking clock. Just looking in its direction began to tear me out of myself, prying me out of bones and stretching me onto the shoddy ceiling, so I began to watch myself in the shop, as this ‘uninvited other’. The red fear.  There must be something to the packaging, but whatever it is, it’s beyond me.

Each Memo-Shot lasts for its own duration. Time flails about in zero gravity when you’re ‘Memo-rized’, so you can lose track of things pretty quickly. One time I lived for three months in a place called ‘Africa’. It was hot and dusty and there were lots of strange creatures. I woke up one morning and it was chilly and the buses were gliding in like specters, and Charlie was propped up and watching me, a sneaky smile climbing the corners of his lips. It wouldn’t be that big of a surprise if I woke up one morning and Mom and Charlie turned out to be the unfamiliar creatures.

            A gong ripples decibels outwards, invading my ear canal. I groan and turn over on the mattress. It’s just a recording - where would you buy an actual gong, anyway? It’s not the kind of instrument you learn to play. The gong vibrates again, increasing in discomfort. This is Mom’s doing.

            ‘Get-up, get-up’, the reverberations coo, and I smell her perfume, and her pancakes. She’s not upset; she’s firm and soothing. She’d never program in her less flattering emotions.

            As the discomfort crescendos into literal pain, I yank the sheets off and slide onto the floor. I fold my feet onto the pressure sensors, which radiate mild warmth. The gonging subsides. I glance over at Charlie, who’s writhing like a crumpled insect. Always the one to test his pain threshold. ‘Dreams are worth their weight in waking headaches,’ someone once said. I’d inscribe that onto his Journey Plaque. A cruel thought. 

Reviews

[KAin]

I enjoy the faded colours of this piece - there's a Nietzschean lack of faith in humanity in the undercurrents of this work... I certainly enjoyed it, as well as the annoyed voice of the narrator, determined to see things "half-empty", as it were. I've been trying to do what you've done in this piece, which is the matter of addressing the reader directly, which i see K.N. Lorenzen mentioned - there are very few authors who get it right - and i think it lends itself better to a post-modern style. An author who i think was very successful with it was Gene Wolfe, in his "Book of the New Sun". (what made it interesting was that it was a fantasy setting, but i digress.) Obviously setting and voice have something to do with it, and i think you've managed to do this quite effectively this time around, though in what I've seen they usually sound a little heavy-handed and tend to take a lot on faith on the part of the reader. Again, i think you've managed to avoid these pitfalls, through the simple strength of your prose.

I must also compliment you on the depth of the character you created - it's clear that we will require several chapters to understand him and his story, but you've created a powerful framework for the reader to understand and to identify, to agree and disagree with his views - it's a rare thing to accomplish in so short a span. Well written, Thaddius. Keep writing.

[Thaddius]

Thanks, I read this awhile ago while at work, and I'm grateful for your in depth and intelligent feedback. I've been working on consequent chapters. This is an experiment in long-form process more than anything else. I'm eager to see how many ends I can tie, how well I can carry off the whispers of resolution my subconscious tantalizes me with, and what the end result of my poetic prose may be. Will it be readable? Read on. Haha. But seriously, thanks for the character depth remark. Mean a lot. Not least because this guy isn't exactly me

[Sach]

Great opening line.
Poetic prose is a challenge, but I promise it is very readable.
Gaps are good.

[AYVID N]

The story of a caring though somewhat loud mother and her two teen-aged boys was very well narrated. I really loved the vividness with which you write about her endearing eccentricities in the first two paragraphs. Again very new and striking imagery. You lost me a bit after the second para till the fifth, but that's probably because I am not very familiar with your daily life and culture and you are a very sophisticated writer. English not being our language may also be somewhere to blame. However, I was firmly back on track when the gong sounded! And it was a great read from thereon. Loved the line, ‘Dreams are worth their weight in waking headaches'.

[Thaddius]

yea, it gets colloquial, but aside from that, as others have stated, the direct address is an issue, and as I've commented, I do 'front-load' a lot of info in paragraphs around the ones you mentioned getting lost in. So don't blame your language barrier for that! You are quite adept with words. Where are you from again?

It almost feels irresponsible leaving this up here, haha, but I can't take it down. I changed a lot of what you read, and wrote some more. I'm excited to see where this one takes me, I have some intriguing ideas. But thanks for liking what was there!

[AYVID N]

I am from India...
There is a lot of info that takes more than one read to process and assimilate but It is always a pleasure to read your work. Looking forward to more.

[Thaddius]

This is a fabulous dreamscape, reality muffin, I have almost baked myself, in my wonderful oven.... I mean, the landscape you wave is just a muffin, and I see mountains of strawberry truth. You know I adore your subconsious, plus plugged in in your awareness, more than any other, and there is a truth born in between two sights of seeing life, Your metaphors, are stubborn, intelligent, glitchy, real, lovely, clever, and honest, spontanous, as you write out of your soul like you vomit out a new chapter yet, you love to keep it a secret, and a mystery, of raw bliss, talent, and uniqueness.... I adore you, no matter what the others say in here, it's pure art, and it should be as ever spontanous, as it was ment to write in the raw and real moment, awesome stuff, I dig it. I could btw translate each detail, but would that make me a better person? I think not. I think you are speaking just greatly for yourself... chapeau my dear G.

- Elisa

[Thaddius]

Mulberry magic, m'dear. The love child of the shrewd monarch and the wandering child, cerebral hemispheres left and right. 'Stubborn', 'glitchy', 'honest'. What a way to sum up my metaphors, the lenses through which I view the world. I love to riddle, to gel my hair with plasma excretions and dare you to tell me you don't think it's great. I adore you too, Elisa. Upcoming review on one of your latest - a crisp and honest slice that I enjoyed immensely. I'm working on this and I have some cool new installments. I think I must write much more before I post another one. I have to be sufficiently ahead (even though I think some part of me is, and isn't even letting me in on the secret). It's an exercise, a pleasure, and I don't want it to 'be' anything other than what it calls for. Thanks so much for getting me and my process, or lack thereof.

I really look forward to that! :) smiling... take all the time you need! it comes when it comes...

[K.N. Lorenzen]

I'm going to try to cut it shorter this time :) First of all, your quest into prose seems rather promising to me. Your imagery is, as ever, poignant and rich, displaying hauntingly vulgar and beautiful visions. Its abrupt and dizzying accelerations seem well-chosen in the kind of narrative you are trying to create. I like how you convey a kind of “loose” structure, by wrapping it up in the initial “Kitchen-scene”. It’s a breathtaking ride for the reader, and he sits, nauseous and uncomfortable, not knowing when you’ll take the next sharp turn. I.M.H.O, it rarely works out, when the narrator addresses the reader; I find it an uninteresting, cheap, quirky trick, and I don’t think it adds any corpus to the story, other than emphasizing our narrator’s seemingly misanthropic world view. You usually get around that pretty well, without having to accost the reader. Even though I am a big fan of your metaphors and imagery, I simply find some of these, a little too transcendent and inaccessible, and they belong in your poetic literature, if you ask me. The structure itself makes this a sufficiently inhospitable environment, and one must allow the reader just a little air, and a railing to hold on to, in the heat of all the asphalt and Mescaline-visions. I would love to give it a more thorough review, and being somewhat “accustomed” to your work, I’m certain of the reward paid off by repeated readings. As always, your language flows beautifully and effortlessly, and the minor “flaws” of this piece, merely reveal a work-in-progress-piece, and don’t, at all, make me question your literary intelligence and talent. By the way! I loved the ending line. It reminded me of a passage in Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness; We live as we dream; alone. A lot of your imagery, reminds of “Beautiful Losers” Leonard Cohen’s second and final novel. It was written in 1967, and some critics have posthumously appointed it: The first Post-Modern Novel. You should check it out! I’m sure you’d like it 

I look forward to reading the next chapter!
Keep typing :)

K.

[Thaddius]

Thanks for your synopsis. I truly appreciate it. I agree with you that the direct narration sounds cheap. I think I execute it entertainingly, and it might work for a clever but commercial lowest common denominator type franchise. I somehow wanted to throw Holden Caulfield in there. So I'm on the fence. I do think its a crutch - it would sound cool as a voice over in a post-modern self-reflexive film. But I should maybe hold my work to a higher standard and leave the direct address for the film.

A few of the metaphors might need ironing out. However I am wary of mutilating my style by cutting out too much. There is a larger force at work when I write in metaphor, and I am intrigued to see how it places out in a longer form. I'd like this to be part poem, prosaically. I have no idea what I'm talking about, so I better get back to writing! Thanks again, you are one of the most talented and intelligent people on here

[stars are far]

That was amazing.. I enjoyed this short story :)
well done :)

[Mockingbird]

i like this world you've created here. it sounds like everyone has virtual world devices that they intermix all the time. there's a line which delineates which one world begins and the other, the present, is drawn. it seems charlie can watch his brother while he is memo-rized. it's cool how you get to pick and choose what you want as though they were potions.

this is an interesting concept. it's really trippy and i like that a lot.
you should definitely expand this. and i like the title just fine. excellent job.

[Thaddius]

thanks - I'm a trippy sort of guy. As I expand this story, the trippiness quotient will only spin you further out of orbit.

[The Representative]

Well, I promised you Thaddius, that I would take some certain amount of time in order to properly consider your story, and still that's what I intend to do......I'll be giving your story at least a few more reads, certainly tomorrow and even perhaps the day after that: however I'll offer you some thoughts right now too!



As a compliment, take this, not as a criticism.......at least, a number of times, your narrative needs to be read.


I'll repeat.......a compliment - not a criticism.



Honestly, as of right this moment, it isn't at all that clear to me what your world is about.....however, that's in fact a point where you deserve being credited, and not criticised: another review, below my own makes mention of this, the 'richness', of the world you've created, and I'll in my own review support that choice of language.



It's blatant, as and when reading......you've gone to some length, in using your imagination for the purpose of this story.





It would be so easy for me, whilst reading, to just to not bother indulging this notion......the sincere effort, you'll have had to make, just so as to write up a two minute long narrative: well I hadn't.


Merely, two, to three minutes perhaps.....and yet the short amount of time with which it takes to read is I'm sure, absolutely disproportionate to the amount of mental skill you'll have been employing just so as to get what it is you wanted to write written.


It's frustrating, isn't it.......this disproportionality, that we all as writers have to put up with.






What you've written Thaddius is fine; there's plenty for a reader to go back for - always a virtue, for any work of art. The prose is fun - the world is intriguing.




As I've already said, I'll continue to read the work, in part because that's what I said I'd do, but also in part because of this truth about disproportionality - and too simply because what you've written is fun!!





On a side note, if you go onto the FORUM, and then click on General, within the CRAFT section: you'll find a couple, of 'Idea for discussion' posts - in total two. Have a read if you like......let me know what they cause you to think of.

[Thaddius]

Thanks for the commitment to rereading my stuff. Yes, it is dense. I've never tried a long form (well, a screenplay) and I'm consequently trying to iron out issues of pace and restraint and rate of the reveal. I said in another review, I am mixing my colors on the canvas in this. I am inventing this world as it plays out on the page. That's dangerous, but it's also spontaneous. I'm glad you don't know what the world is about yet, because my conscious mind doesn't either. There are cool ideas in my head, but I'm striving to let them be and indulge them only when my fingers hit the keys and the time is right. Because of the state of this draft (which, honestly, I probably shouldn't have posted), don't think too hard about this. But feel free to enjoy it, there are little gems in here.

[Thaddius]

And yes, the disproportionality is frustrating. Sometimes people don't get my stuff, or love it but don't key in to little nuances and clues and reprises and threads, and I bang the proverbial table, think 'god damn it they'll never get how clever I am!'. Read my senryu #2, the altitudes one, for a take on this very thought. It's true in every art form. You film a movie for months, sometimes years, and its a two hour experience, jointly panned and lauded on the blogosphere. Lots of the faults that critics find are deliberate. I can only take comfort in the experience of writing and appreciating it myself. I know what I set out (am setting out) to do, and I have the eyes and ears and soul to appreciate the sparks that fly off my words, even if no one else does. So it's frustrating, but not really!

[SweetNutmeg]

This is great! I love the richness of the world you have created. As others have said, the quick glimpses you give into this world are tantalizing and definitely motivate the reader to continue. You've got my attention and I want more. It's a fine line you're walking... feeding us enough information so we understand what's going on, but not so much we feel like we are being banged over the head with explanations and descriptions. I think at the moment you are erring a bit on the scanty side, some details could be filled out more completely for me.

I assume you will get around to explaining the buses, I am willing to wait for that. But I'd like to understand the Memo drug thing a little better, especially the packaging. A little more detail on the appearance. Are these things small like a postage stamps? Are they flat, round, pointy, jagged, smooth? I love the colors and associations, but a tad more detail there would help.

I've got a lively picture of the mother, I love the images you've used to conjure her, but there is more there I do not understand... what is her relationship to the phone? Obviously it is important to her but who is she talking to and why? And what does domesticity look like in this world of yours? it consists of more than waffles and cakes, but what skills does the mother actually lack? I also have a little trouble with the canola oil metaphor. I want it to work because canola oil is so vivid, but I don't quite get the meaning.

I'm terribly curious to find out what happens after the two kids are dragged out of their beds by the gong, what their lives in the Suburb-Zone are like, what a trip to the Metro-Zone is like. I am especially tantalized by "I envy everyone who doesn’t know and can imagine a despair of tangible, commercial origin." Is this dystopia they live in caused by capitalism, or communism, or some other financial system?

You've left me with a ton of questions, which is a great way to leave a reader, wanting more. I hope you continue this story. I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[Thaddius]

Thanks for this in-depth take. The scanty side - yes! I'd so much rather leave you in the dark than blind you with exposition. Getting into a book requires patience, and the price for that is incentive. I belief I've laid some good groundwork here, made it 'tantalizing'. I also think my focus and tangents might need a little trimming, but then again, I want to trust the flow of my subconscious and save excess trimming for the larger form of this.

I'll get around to explaining the buses, to lots of it. I like the idea of accepting the reality that is routine, since it is first person, and introducing it in depth when it is time, so, organically. And the memo drug is too front-loady, which is why it appears to vague. I cram in too much, and to save the flow of the early pages, leave out too much! It's a mistake I likely would have picked up on and picked at myself, but it is so helpful that you and others have given me this info right off the bat. I feel the learning is exponential - I've never delved into this form of fiction before.

The mother and the phone... yes, maybe too much of that right here. I need to flesh it out, but it might be an issue of restraint, to hold off on introducing things until I actually intend to fully explain them. I want intrigue, so I think some of that is okay.

The domesticity question is one I'm letting my subconscious write. This whole experiment of mine was an exercise in throwing myself into a world and letting it unfold, which seems to be the experience of the reader. I am mixing my colors on the canvas. It's really rewarding and spontaneous - I'm a young writer and very confident, but trying to stay away from the administrative part of my brain. Have you read 'Haruki Murakami' at all. Just read his 'Wind-up Bird Chronicles'. Read about his process, and fancy it as my own, writing blind and riffing on it, like jazz. I also saw you like Italo Calvino. One of my favorites - what a beast!

Thanks again for the help, for putting up with the indulgence that drove me to post this in its infancy, in a fetal state. I can't wait to see what it becomes

[SweetNutmeg]

Isn't writing exciting? I love it when it writes itself. I try to explain the magic to non-writer friends, but I don't think they get it. We are lucky, to get to do this.

Italo Calvino is phenomenal. He plays by the rules, but breaks them all. Have you read William Gibson? He also walks that fine line between too much and too little information and does an amazing job. His world in Neuromancer was a little difficult to come to grips with at first, but his writing is so good, I was willing to continue reading without fully understanding every detail. But i have a lot of stamina as a reader... Gravity's Rainbow and Moby Dick are two favorites of mine.

I don't know if posting your fetal story so early will be helpful to you (I hope it is!) but from a purely selfish point of view, I am very glad you invited us in so early. I'm really enjoying the story, the reviews and your responses.

[Thaddius]

Never read Gibson or 'Gravity's Rainbow'. Will check them out. And yea, to reiterate your reiteration of what I said, it probably wasn't helpful, in the sense that it isn't helpful to get judged on American Idol for singing in the shower, or to get Fashion Police'd by Joan Rivers while you're throwing on your sweater and tying your shoes. But the ACT of posting it itself was helpful, as a gesture of okay, I can release this into our atmosphere and it can take frail little shaky breaths, and not die in its creator's iris. And maybe in the sense of feeling out the no-fly zones and land mines, the pitfalls and potential confusions, before I tangle my narrative too deeply in them. Not that I would, but who knows, I surely could!

[Penny]

The story is meandering and deep but little confusing, all qualities of a great work. The imagery of te gong's sound you created in the end is just phenomenal. It is not that good as a short story but yes definitely it is more than suitable for a novella. All the best and thanks for a great write.

[Thaddius]

thanks this is awesome. I own my confusing-ness, and I relish it when any reader can see that it's more or less what I'm going for. I want to drop them into a world waist-deep, and have them navigate a murky river bed without my help. It's like how some movies start. I want you to wonder: where the bleep am I? How is this possible? Wait, what? But yes, the spoken and unspoken consensus on this is moot and one I agree with wholeheartedly: this is a fragmented part of a story. I can't really expect any fanfare until it's fleshed out into something - until I can get through the first day. I'm really motivated to make this now

[Penny]

M pleasure. It feels good to see someone getting because of me. Keep writing, take care :-)