Senryu #2

Ah.. another senryu

Inhaling my bliss

at last, in an altitude

only I can breathe

Reviews

[KAin]

As a writer, one tends to search for the right words for any and everything. Finding them brings you into the correct "space" in which your works can only be regarded as excellent and unique. The space, of course, is subjective, tailored to the style and psychological needs and desires of the writer. But the use of the word "altitude" suggests a deeper desire - or perhaps the correct word in this instance is "aspiration" - that of reaching new heights. What is this altitude, how is it defined by the individual poet? Is it a matter of finding a level you're happy with? Or is the altitude you've found the very apex, i wonder? Ha... One wonders if there is indeed such a thing...and if writers are ever truly content with what they're capable of at any given time...

[Lyn Anderson]

I stopped by because of Jacob, and I am not disappointed. Great write.

[Beaner166]

I love this piece. It reminds me of the relaxed victorious feeling I get when i finish a good piece. Well done.

[TheSearcher]

Deep, expandable, mesmerising and dark in some way. Love it

[AYVID N]

Glad you found your altitude. :)
Truly good write.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

i see this is now in its pure form as senryu...but then form is made to be violated...emily dickinson often violated...

and these days it seems anything goes...

i sent haiku and senryu to some magazines specifically centered on those two forms and got rejected because i had them sent them the traditional 5-7-5 and they told me that haiku and senryu don't use that format anymore...well, i wonder what the japanese would feel about that.

either way...

i regard this as saying, i have reached my own poet altitude...using my own form, style, voice...and i am comfortable with it..even if my violations of form etc. might seem like being aloof to others...it is where i am happy..and i like the view from up here.

[Thaddius]

haha my form for both my senryus was way off the 5-7-5, as of 20 minutes ago... I made it fit the form in syllables in leu of the sage advice of your preceding reviewer. I like the flow of them now, and I liked the flow of them then. I couldn't filter it into a 'purer' form arbitrarily at all - it still had to fit the meter I thought fit. It was a bit of a challenge, but I'm good enough at flow and hitting the return key on my computer to render it a minimal scuffle. I agree with you whole-heartedly that form is made to be violated, and appreciate how you intuit the irony imbedded in my senryus, their distain for the form they exact. This one came from a fear I had after an early version of the first one, that 'what if I came up with the perfect cerebral senryu, and no-one but I could understand it?' What bliss, what torture, the only man allowed through heaven's gates would be so alone. This idea serves as a microcosm for a larger thought paradigm..

[Nusquam Esse]

Such an obvious disdain for form is sad to me...(from the magazine). Perhaps I am just old school, but poetry feels like something which can obtain new heights as one explores form; so the 'trend' to universally ignoring form, rather than occasionally breaking it is sad to me. It is precisely because it is challenging, that I generally prefer to conform to a structure. It is true that sometimes form stifles a poem, I have seen several beautiful poems which were without structure or rhyme; making the idea of using them, gimmicky in nature. However, I have also seen an amazingly large number of 'free-verse' poetry which were absolute garbage... simply a person trying to express an idea which they were too lazy to develop. There was no appreciation for language and expression... simply regurgitating through a keyboard. The multiple typos would reveal that they had also been too lazy to check their work. In the end, form is not something you should stifle yourself with... but adhering to it when you are still learning can help you develop immensely as a writer. I challenge anyone to read the Divine Comedy by Dante, and look at his incredible understanding of form and prose, and tell me that his work would have been better without it. My poem "As the Pheonix Flies" took me about a week to write, and as such, I feel more invested than I have for anything else. I look at the 'free-verse' lines I initially wrote, and feel as though there is no comparison. Yes... it is not going to be everyone's cup of tea... However, I feel it pushed my language to new heights. If writing is not something we use to develop ourselves, I wonder, why even write?

[Thaddius]

I agree with this. I'm not truly disdainful of the senryu - I wrote two, after all. It's any limit that becomes a gimmick that bothers me. Lots of writings can't carry it off, and lean on a haiku or senryu as a crutch to support their words. I also feel a profound connection to the pieces I write with some sort of imposition of structure. As you say, garbage comes in all forms, and so does beauty. I may just have been in a pissy mood, my distain surges like ocean swells through me, and as I peek above deck to check it, is nowhere to be found like the morning after a hurricane. I use form like the storming winds, lifting away the lighter particles, grass and tin cans, picnic benches and farmhouse doors, to illuminate the truer parts, the roots and pumps and foundation beams.. my distain also metastases into a contempt for writing itself, perhaps because even I exploit it..

[Beaner166]

Writing is the creative expression of the writers feelings, emotions, and thoughts. It is not meant to have rules, guide lines, or limitations. There are infinitely many styles and variations in it. Both complex and simple. To me that is what makes it so beautiful.

[Nusquam Esse]

One of the few rules with Senryu deals with syllable counts, 5-7-5; much more simple than the understanding of 'season words' and 'cutting phrases' which are utilized in Haiku. And while in Japanese format, Senryu and Haiku are arranged in a single line (and based on On, not syllable), western format tends to conform to a three line structure. This has a 7-8-1.. meaning that while the total syllables is almost correct, the structuring is off. Generally it would not be a huge deal, but in a format which utilizes specific meter, this is probably not a good idea. I mean, think of someone writing a Sonnet which professed to be pentameter, yet fluctuated between 7 and 13 syllables... it ceases to be a sonnet. I generally don't do this, but I suggest taking a look at a senryu I wrote, it can show the English AND Japanese forms used. http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/omnimalevolent1/1304156/

All that aside, the imagery for this is superb. The imagery of one breathing in a bliss of a level which only they can 'breathe'. I do like this, but figured I would let you know that this is not a senryu in the conventional sense. Oh, and btw your other Senryu, has only 4 syllables for the first line.

[Thaddius]

Thanks for this. I did a bit of research, and seemed to find that modern haikus and senryus did not adhere so strictly to the rule of 17 syllables and 5-7-5. I will change my definition of category to a 'loose senryu' to reflect this.

[Nusquam Esse]

The Japanese use a system known as On for their 'syllable counts'. Sometimes writers will break convention by accepting syllables instead of On. Take this line for example, "Mubouna Seigi" the On break down as Mu-Bo-u-Na Se-i-gi, but syllables are Mu-bou-na Sei-gi. Since it is 7 on, it would typically go on the second line, but because it is also 5 syllables, some writers (even some of the 'masters) might break tradition, and put it on the first or last line. I am not aware of modern haiku/senryu trends; I was not aware that the syllable system had varied so drastically, I suspect it is mostly western style... I have mostly just read traditional haiku.

[Thaddius]

Oh, okay. Well I just revised both of mine to fit the traditional 5-7-5, albeit in syllables. It feels nice, although I understand that 'on' tend to be shorter so my senryus may still seem a bit longer in on.. I'm not gonna stifle my flow anymore than I have already, though. Tell me what you think!

[Nusquam Esse]

Excellent job!

[Daniel Dawes]

Beautiful, I like this one more than the last :)