Cigarette Spirit

The italicized words are from the Katy Perry Song 'Dark Horse'. Give it a listen

He hands me my ID.

I dip through a curtain.

Synth assaults. Bass quakes in

Ancient thunder - not my heart’s.

Smoke hangs, and from the mist a

Creature rises.

Stretches. Part gazelle, part

Jungle cat.

Flat soda. Foul currency.

 

‘Knew you were…. You were gonna come-to-me’

 

Serengeti limbs lock as it fixes

Its eyes and rocks like a

Boat on a nighttime pier.

 

I take my seat. There’s an ATM in the corner.

I go to it.

Strobe scars patter faces in a lull of

Dinner party guests, of giant-dwarf

Negotiations.

 

‘Mark my words… this love will make you le-vi-tate’

 

Ghosts hiss in the air like hot springs, spurting

And invading me

With steam.

Damn.

She target-locks onto me

Without warning.

Her eyes flicker. Stain.

 

I slap a dollar down like deli meat

Fold it up into a plane, curl my lips and

Toss it like a treat as her

White mast lights slice past.

It lands stage left on a

Thought-cloud crevice, and she

Doesn’t see.

 

I wait for another two hours. Only the

Cigarette spirits hover.

The creature’s gone.

I scan the plaster and the

Love dimensions,

And think she’s maybe watching

Me.

 

‘Heeere you are. But you better choose care-ful-ly’

Reviews

[Aramey]

Overall, the imagery you use is very unique and I don't see anything close to a cliche. Some of the wording was extremely powerful:
"Ghosts hiss in the air like hot springs, spurting
And invading me
With steam.
Damn.
She target-locks onto me
Without warning.
Her eyes flicker. Stain."

Your wording is most assertive mid-poem, the description of the scene is incredibly vivid in the beginning, and in the ending it leaves the aftertaste of a mystery. That is an important and incredibly hard thing for most poets to grasp. As a side note, this does go along with the opposite perspective from the song "Dark Horse," though it took a little extra thought, it wasn't an easy read necessarily, but one that you have to read a few times before you've discovered it's secrets, and one that you want to read more than once. I think this is because of the line structure you used. For instance, the pauses don't take place at the end of the lines, in order for it to flow. It required a little shifting on my part, to get the flow down well. However, sometimes poets do this intentionally to convey something in addition to what they are actually saying. I may have to read this a few more times again, thank you for sharing. You did a brilliant job with this one.

[Thaddius]

Thanks for the in depth review. Really, you break some of this down with great command. Sometimes it drives me crazy how many of the 'secrets' are lost on the average viewer. Even more how in losing them they may never know they were ever there, and see my poem as some lyrical surface stain. Of course each critic will comprehend in varying degrees and interpret from there. It really excites me when someone like you gets what I was going for and what I did. Thanks!

[Ellyahnna Hall]

This created a lot of mind visuals. Very good poem.

[Oyindamola Shoola]

This is pretty nice, I love the poem. Though I have not heard the song I think you made good use of the words. Good imagery too. I love the way you described the smoke from the cigarette...The poem is beautiful... thanks for sharing

[Thaddius]

Lots of the cadence of the song is in this, but not the chorus! Only the beginning of verses 1 and 2. I had to keep going back in the youtube video. If this poem was set to the song (which it was in my head), it would have to be on a loop.

[Frieda P]

Wow, quirky and creative, I see this scene going down in a dimly lit smoke'd filled cafe, love the music, you twisted this one just right, the hypnotic imagery is off the charts excellent! Great read Thaddius. Kudos.

[Beccy]

Just a dollar? Cheapskate! :)


Beccy.

[AYVID]

The scene was well crafted, the dimly lit place, the music, the smoke. Your wavelength with the creature in the chance encounter could be felt keenly. This story felt like a hit and miss love story with the subject left 'scanning the love dimension'. The Katy Perry lines enhanced the effect. Well written.

[Nereus Matthias]

I am not a smoker..but i can say i can feel that dark place...one that hangs inside the smoker...
Talks about a encounter I guess.... Ghosts hiss in the air like hot springs, spurting
And invading me wonderful line...
:)

[Bluefire]

A dark-lit room with smoke and lights where phantoms drink and play hypnotic tunes on instruments unseen. It seems to speak of a club and a beautiful lady watching you, but when you finally pay her attention she vanishes into the depths and your left alone with the sense of being watched.
I like this piece, it was easy (yet not too easy) to read and quite unique.
A++

[Thaddius]

thank you. I really enjoyed reading your review, you paint the picture quite well.

[Bluefire]

No problem. ^^