Cigarette Spirit

The italicized words are from the Katy Perry Song 'Dark Horse'. Give it a listen

He hands me my ID.

I dip through a curtain.

Synth assaults. Bass quakes in

Ancient thunder - not my heart’s.

Smoke hangs, and from the mist a

Creature rises.

Stretches. Part gazelle, part

Jungle cat.

Flat soda. Foul currency.

 

‘Knew you were…. You were gonna come-to-me’

 

Serengeti limbs lock as it fixes

Its eyes and rocks like a

Boat on a nighttime pier.

 

I take my seat. There’s an ATM in the corner.

I go to it.

Strobe scars patter faces in a lull of

Dinner party guests, of giant-dwarf

Negotiations.

 

‘Mark my words… this love will make you le-vi-tate’

 

Ghosts hiss in the air like hot springs, spurting

And invading me

With steam.

Damn.

She target-locks onto me

Without warning.

Her eyes flicker. Stain.

 

I slap a dollar down like deli meat

Fold it up into a plane, curl my lips and

Toss it like a treat as her

White mast lights slice past.

It lands stage left on a

Thought-cloud crevice, and she

Doesn’t see.

 

I wait for another two hours. Only the

Cigarette spirits hover.

The creature’s gone.

I scan the plaster and the

Love dimensions,

And think she’s maybe watching

Me.

 

‘Heeere you are. But you better choose care-ful-ly’

Reviews

[Aramey]

Overall, the imagery you use is very unique and I don't see anything close to a cliche. Some of the wording was extremely powerful:
"Ghosts hiss in the air like hot springs, spurting
And invading me
With steam.
Damn.
She target-locks onto me
Without warning.
Her eyes flicker. Stain."

Your wording is most assertive mid-poem, the description of the scene is incredibly vivid in the beginning, and in the ending it leaves the aftertaste of a mystery. That is an important and incredibly hard thing for most poets to grasp. As a side note, this does go along with the opposite perspective from the song "Dark Horse," though it took a little extra thought, it wasn't an easy read necessarily, but one that you have to read a few times before you've discovered it's secrets, and one that you want to read more than once. I think this is because of the line structure you used. For instance, the pauses don't take place at the end of the lines, in order for it to flow. It required a little shifting on my part, to get the flow down well. However, sometimes poets do this intentionally to convey something in addition to what they are actually saying. I may have to read this a few more times again, thank you for sharing. You did a brilliant job with this one.

[Thaddius]

Thanks for the in depth review. Really, you break some of this down with great command. Sometimes it drives me crazy how many of the 'secrets' are lost on the average viewer. Even more how in losing them they may never know they were ever there, and see my poem as some lyrical surface stain. Of course each critic will comprehend in varying degrees and interpret from there. It really excites me when someone like you gets what I was going for and what I did. Thanks!

[Colton Patterson]

Very reminiscent of angry slam poetry, very nice read. I'm looking forward to more in this style from you Thaddius.

[Salix_Alba]

Beautiful piece of work. Many intense meanings that question what I originally thought.

[Imogean Tweetie]

I quit smoking several weeks ago. This harder my resolve, thank you…

[Thaddius]

haha whatever it does for you..

[LJW]

Reads a bit theatrical. Almost more like a script. The music lyrics didn't add to the piece. Personally I feel. if you have to tell the reader where italicized lines came from it's too obscure of a reference.

[Thaddius]

Yes. I almost want it to be the action in a script. I don't want any emotion. I want the reader to project theirs onto it. Or to question what I might be feeling, as I did then, in a lusty haze.

One other girl said the same thing about the lyrics. I told her that I agree. It does mess with the flow. It also bleeds into some of my meter, so I couldn't in good conscience take it out. I want the reader to play the song while they read the stanzas, on a loop. Call it the manic obsession of an auteur in the wrong medium. I'm not a pure poet, not a pure anything. But I will tell you this: if the part of the poem I didn't write is your least favorite, I could have done worse

[LJW]

Is there a way to post the song on a player so it can play as the poem is read? I believe I've seen it done here.

[Karci Clest]

I love how it is story. I know every poem has some kind of story or some kind of meaning, but this one was clear. With every stanza it unravled itself. The detail is amazing! I could feel the surroundings and smell the cigarettes. The only think that i didn't like about it, and this totally my opinon not advice, is the song lyrics. It kind of threw me off. But everything else was awesome!

[Thaddius]

Thanks for this sweet and precise review. I'm so thrilled you could feel that place, all I wanted to do in writing this was take the reader there. This place lives in my mind, and comes alive when I hear 'Dark Horse'. I happen to agree with you - the song is a bit distracting. Rhythmically it goes with the poem, but it really chops up my stanzas. I put it in because I was thinking, 'okay, I set the scene in a visual way, an olfactory way, and yes, in an auditory way, but I really want to capture what I hear.' And so I decided to put the lyrics in, as if they were ringing out in the poem itself, blurring the lines between poetry and reality. And the caveat to this, the requisite, was that I had to almost beg everyone to listen to the song while reading it, but only the first few bars of each verse. So I attached strings to my poems with the song. I'm the type of guy who likes to try new things, and experiment with little visceral and subconscious keys, so it is justified in my mind. And yet, I agree with you! Thanks for being so candid, Karci - it's rarer than I'd like and much appreciated

[RichGee]

Again, your imagery is hypnotic...too many reviews for any new light to be shed by me...a simple peon.
Great work!

[Robbie~xoxo~]

Well weaved imagery!...
You have incorporated one of my favorite songs "Dark Horse"~in one of my poems~"A Perfect Storm"...

I felt something lingering in this piece, something that needed to be revealed... you held back a bit...
for me that adds mystery, which intrigues me...

" Ghosts hiss in the air like hot springs, spurting

And invading me

With steam."~ Mysterious and entrancing!....
You lead me to a voyeuristic scene...

I enjoyed it! Nice work!~xoxo~:)

[Thaddius]

thanks! i read your version and like how you expanded on imagery in lead up to the nonexistent chorus. i wanted a way to convey the song that would be playing in the club, so i ended up quoting this song and the poem became a mutant child of the song.

There are so many secrets buried in this, yes. So few of them were known to me then. The cigarette spirits were invisible to me.. I wanted this to be atmospheric in a way that 'first encounter' maybe sacrificed for dialogue and introspection

[Robbie~xoxo~]

I know the feeling... I been to many clubs.. where the atmosphere takes over.. the music is so loud it has a heartbeat of it's own.. and then you connect with someone through eye contact or a feeling... and all these secrets manifest...

I love that you delve into this with intricate words... they stand out in my mind...
I find it mesmerizing, actually... pretty stunning! :)

[Robbie~xoxo~]

*I have been to many clubs...*~typo

[Earthstains]

A graceful drumming veil fell over me, I heard the breathy dark rhythm of surrender. Love the "Stain" it smacks, her eyes flicker, ripe and rich.

[Thaddius]

did you get a chance to listen to the new pop song? starting to read the first stanza while listening to the first few lines in the song is more than hypnotic - its transportive. at least it is for me. just get the timing right haha, I'm a nut I know

[Earthstains]

Haven't yet.....but, now I have to! :D

[Miss Marlette]

Great visuals created here. The girl just vanished and you got the residual feeling spot on. I could learn an thing or two here! Good write. A real good one.

[The Violent Wolf]

very nice, i like the imagery in the first verse. I also like how you split up the lines, so that it doesn't quite complete the whole sentence on one line, I do that a lot myself haha but overall I liked it, how it fit together, all the verses, as well as with the song, I thought that was cool. I have a poem i wrote and used the song Kiss It Better by He is We. check it out maybe if you're interested