Chaos and Dread Amidst the Good.

The pace and way this poem is written, along with its attention (or lack thereof) to detail reflects how I have felt during these past months during the pandemic.

Chaos and Dread Amidst the Good. 

A diary-like brain dump from March to September.

March 13th; school is let out for four weeks. Oh, my God. A long Spring Break? No school, no dance? That’s, like, unheard of.

I leave school at 7:30pm after my APA classes, feeling weird, uneasy about the proclamation of our impromptu break. There’s, like, no way this is actually happening, right?

I generally like school, and I pretend to be sad for a moment, but internally, I feel like I can finally rest. Maybe my acne will clear up, and maybe I will stop feeling dizzy from lack of sleep as I drift to and from my classes, staying up at all hours to perfect work that may or may not get read. I mentally plan out the next few weeks of relaxing, catching up on sleep, getting ahead on homework and maybe a few TV shows. 

We all make jokes at first, but they are all shaded by fear and confusion as the world alters and morphs into something unrecognizable. But it’s, like, gonna be okay, right?

On March 16th, I see my friends to take pictures of them. I still have a photography assignment due the next day. Little did I know it would be the last time I’d see them for who knows how long. It’s now September and counting. We go to thrift stores and I take their photos; I have a lot of fun, but I opt to head home at around 8pm to work on my Term Paper on the Great Gatsby. 

My mom and sister are sitting on the couch in the living room, watching CNN. It’s more serious than all of us initially thought. 

“You probably shouldn’t be seeing your friends anymore for a while,” my mom says to me as I open the door. Dread plants itself in my stomach; it’s tiny, but it’s there. 

Zoom dance classes start on the 17th of March. My room is an unsatisfactory dance space. 

I download TikTok on March 18th. I make “through the decades” videos with makeup, outfits, hair, the whole sha-bang. One a day, 2000s counting down to the 20s. I rediscover my love for crimping my hair. 

At an attempt to keep creating, I start painting and working a lot more on the book I started in 2018. It is almost definitely not an attempt to calm the growing dread in my stomach. 

I’m making a lot of coffee by myself, since I’m not buying it anywhere. I pay for my own coffee though, so it’s still drilling a hole in my wallet, especially for not having a job. I start crafting a new resume. 

I hit 100 pages of my book on April 9th. I get a 94% on my Term Paper. I continue to do every single assignment on Canvas. 

I rediscover my love for cherries, and it inspires the title of my first book: “Pitted Cherries.” There is a more symbolic and metaphorical reason behind it other than my love for the fruit. I apply for Brown University’s Summer Undergraduate Program. 

Despite all of the good in my life, the dread remains and grows inside. 

I read IT by Stephen King. 10/10. Absolutely phenomenal.

May 4th. Stephenie Meyer announces a new Twilight book, and my inner Twihard reamerges. I reread Twilight and New Moon and preorder a signed copy of Midnight Sun. That’s not, like, obsessive, right?

I have not left the house, even to go to the grocery store. I have not seen my dad in months. The dread of the state of the world doubles in size. But it’s gonna be okay. Because it has to be okay. 

I get into Brown University’s summer program. I buy a Venus flytrap. I dye my hair. I finally watch Lady Bird. It was the first movie to make me cry. I rewatch the OC. 

My studio opens again, but I stay virtual. They are not wearing masks inside, and it feels like a very stressful atmosphere to be in.  

School ends. Summer starts. I get A’s in all of my classes. 

I take up doll-making, using polymer clay. I discover I’m not half bad at it. 

I read the Miseducation of Cameron Post. I watch the movie. 10/10; would recommend to a friend. 

On the fourth of July, I do not wear my country’s color. I am not so proud of the US for many reasons. 

My class at Brown starts, and I discover that I have to learn how to code. I cry a lot trying to navigate coding without help. Spoiler alert: It all turns out fine in the end. 

I get hired at Fever Dreams Magazine. As a fashion writer. I get a job at Gina’s Pizza. It’s cool. I like my coworkers, and I like the food. 

July 17th. I cut my bangs to make them pointy. It makes me feel like I could be casted in the Twilight movies. 

Once a week, I rehearse at my studio with one other girl. We wear masks, of course. But it still feels a little dangerous. The only thing bad about wearing masks is that it covers your lips. Truly a tragedy. I put on lipstick anyway. I cannot explain why. My masks are all covered with lipstick inside. 

I start my summer homework. 

August 6th; Midnight Sun comes out. I immediately start reading. 

I go to a Drive-In movie with my dad. We see Mean Girls. It was really nice to see him again. 

I hit 150 pages of my book.

I go to San Diego. I buy lots of clothes and books from thrift stores. I work on stuff for Fever Dreams Print. 

I buy some comic books at a comic book store in Los Angeles. 

The world learns to live with the pandemic and function around it, rather than combat it. Some people still wear their masks under their nose. Some people still don’t wear them at all. 

School starts and the Dread remains.