THE TRAVELER AND THE THIEVES

A short story. The traveler hears the thieves' plan of committing theft...

The traveler and the thieves

The traveler reached a new city. He was looking for a place to stay at night. He found a small temple on the border of the city.It was on a platform.He climbed the platform and stayed there.

Two thieves came to the stairs of the same platform at night. They probably did not realize the presence of the traveler and started whispering. The traveler had not slept but he lay quietly and listened intently. The names of the thieves were Kalu and Bhalu.

Kalu said to Bhalu, "There is Hariya’s daughter’s wedding at Hariya's house and he has invited us as a decent neighbor. We can enter his house on some pretext and steal some costly items and cash. Nobody will doubt us. Bhalu said, "Should we cheat Hariya like this?" Kalu said, “If we think like this, we will be starving soon. The Rich people have kept watch men for the protection of their houses. Attempting to steal from them is quite risky now. There is no such danger in Hariya's case. "

The traveler could not tolerate the ideas and intentions of Kalu. He got up and sat down with his face towards the temple and said, "Oh God, if the poor man had nothing, at least he was free from the fear of theft and robbery. Now that freedom will also be taken away from him. Thieves will also exploit him. "

Hearing this, the thieves fled from there in fear. Later they contemplated and felt that the traveler had told the truth. Kalu and Bhalu abandoned the idea of ​​stealing from Hariya's house and they helped in the marriage of Hariya's daughter..

 

 

Reviews

[hvysmker]

I have been known to be wrong before an probably will be again. A lot of my critique will be my own opinion. Now.… On with it.
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The traveler reached a new city. He was looking for a place to stay at night. He found a small temple on the border of the city. It was on a platform. He climbed the platform and stayed there.
* A lot you’re NOT saying there. The first paragraph is called the “hook” because it must hook the reader and cause him to continue. I’d write it something like this:
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After a long day trekking through rural countryside, the traveler paused to study a small temple standing in a wooded valley, the city looming over trees in the distance.

Seeing the temple elevated on a platform, the traveler wondered if the valley would flood during rainstorms, not unusual in that area. For that reason, he was not surprised to find the grass spongy and damp with a deeply earthy odor as he climbed crumbling stone steps to the platform.

It was cleaner than expected, indicating a shelter from sometimes strong Southerly winds. A broom leaned into a wooden pillar helping to support a uniquely decorated roof. Former travelers had evidently treated the shelter well.
Unwrapping a cold lunch and unrolling his bedroll, the traveler was content to spend the night.
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See? Much more interesting to a reader. Also much more likely to incite more interest.

Two thieves came to the stairs of the same platform at night. They probably did not realize the presence of the traveler and started whispering. The traveler had not slept but he lay quietly and listened intently. The names of the thieves were Kalu and Bhalu.
* Same as above. Calls out for expansion. The English is spot on, but the story reads like newsprint.

Kalu said to Bhalu, "There is Hariya’s daughter’s wedding at Hariya's house and he has invited us as a decent neighbor. We can enter his house on some pretext and steal some costly items and cash. Nobody will doubt us. Bhalu said, "Should we cheat Hariya like this?" Kalu said, “If we think like this, we will be starving soon. The Rich people have kept watch men for the protection of their houses. Attempting to steal from them is quite risky now. There is no such danger in Hariya's case.
* Not very nice neighbors. I’d lock up the house and have the wedding in the back yard. But, then, maybe the groom will steal the stuff later? You can’t keep a good thief down except in a grave.

The traveler could not tolerate the ideas and intentions of Kalu. He got up and sat down with his face towards the temple and said, "Oh God, if the poor man had nothing, at least he was free from the fear of theft and robbery. Now that freedom will also be taken away from him. Thieves will also exploit him. "

Hearing this, the thieves fled from there in fear. Later they contemplated and felt that the traveler had told the truth. Kalu and Bhalu abandoned the idea of stealing from Hariya's house and they helped in the marriage of Hariya's daughter..
* Good ending. Except for the guard dog who lost the exercise of chasing them.

As I said above, a good story that fairly begs for expansion. For instance, include all the senses and insert more emotion. Another point is to identify the Traveler ( a loose thread) and include him in the story. He might even BE the groom.

Charlie

[Ravi Ranjan Goswami]

Thanks to Mr.Charlie for the detailed review of my short story.I appreciate his views but I knowingly kept the story short and compact.

[Ravi Ranjan Goswami]

Once again i read your version Charlie. Definitely your style is more interesting. Thanks