As The Rain Said Goodbye

A little something i wrote based on a six word story...

But darling,
I died last December.

Didn’t you hear
How it rained the day I jumped?
How the water slicked the rooftops and coated the streets?
How
If there hadn’t been the rain,
The ambulance might have made it on time?

I believe the rain was the universe
Letting me go.

It rained as if the heavens cracked open,
A torrential downpour
That soaked my hair
And dress
As I climbed high, high, high
Up to the roof of the building.

I had chosen a special dress for that day,
One as blue as the sky
Graced by the sun.
I had curled my light brown hair,
Coated my eyelashes with thick,
Black mascara.

But as I climbed,
The droplets soaked my dress dark,
They pulled the mascara
From my lashes
And let it spill down my face,
The water
Unraveled my curls.

And
When I reached the top,
I stood
And looked over the edge of the building,
Saw people on the street
Thirty stories below.

They looked as tiny as ants,
Black umbrellas raised
To protect against
The pouring rain,
Hurrying about their busy days.

And I raised my rain drenched arms
High to the heavens
Tilted my head up
And closed my eyes.

I let the rain pour down my face
And took a deep breath,
One last time.

I took a step forward
Braced myself,
And jumped.

Wind whistling,
Skirt flying,
Falling.

Five months later,
My phone screen lights up with
A new message.
“Hey sweetie,
Sorry for disappearing and hurting you like that.
I love you.
I’m sorry I didn’t say it before,
But I do.
Can we still be together?”


But my darling,
Didn’t you hear?
I died last December.

Author's Note

There are these writing exercises called "six word stories" where you have to write a story in six words, and I came up with "But darling, I died last December." That inspired me so much that I used it as my first line in this poem. But don't worry about me, none of this is real. my mind is just a bit messed up. Anyways, what do you think? Please point out any errors as I typed this on my iPod so I'm sure there are some.

Reviews

[Riley Bray]

I think some of the lines need to be looked at again, because it gets a teeny bit choppy here and there. Aside from that, though, this was an amazing poem. I could tell that, while this wasn't unique to your other works, this is one meant to stand out. Truly wonderful and a very good job Isabelle. You never disappoint. ^^

[Isabelle Faye]

Thanks for the feedback. I did the formatting after I wrote the poem, which is always a little tricky to do. I messed with the line breaks a little, what do you think now? And thank you for the praise, although it is undeservingly awarded.

[Riley Bray]

You modesty never ceases to frustrate me, Isabelle.

[Riley Bray]

Anyhoo, this is much much much better Isabelle! Very much. On my second run through I felt more relaxed and I could understand and follow the flow better. I did find a couple mistakes that I know drive you mad though, (I did review this when I was nearly passed out), so here:

"The water
Unraveled my curls." -----I just think this should be one line, not two

"Black umbrellas raised
To protect against
The pouring rain,
Hurrying about their busy days.

And I raised my rain drenched arms"----If you look, you used the word raised in both these stanzas, and they're next to teach other.