Tortured Soul

I just started writing it at midnight because the first stanza suddenly came to me as I was doing something else. I'm afraid the poem doesn't make much sense, I'm sorry.

She was never really here anyways,

Always looking for an escape,

Anything she could to get away.

 

I guess she finally found it one day,

All her wandering would pay,

Her life was in disarray.

 

The words I don’t want to say,

The way she took her life away,

Always running from her mistakes.

 

Build her up,

Tear her down,

Watch her crumble to the ground,

No way back,

No way out.

 

Take a mirror and spin it ‘round,

See yourself gazing down,

She looks like you, somehow.

 

The knife that taunts and scars your face,

There’s no way you can escape,

From all the hurt and all the pain.

 

Days will come and they will go,

Time will pass fast and slow,

You try so hard to stay afloat.

 

She was never really here anyways,

Always looking for an escape,

Anything she could to get away.

 

She lived in the past with her mistakes,

The present tense she can’t explain,

To live in the present, to dance with pain.

 

A tightrope thin line she rode,

Wobble one side, go to slow,

Stuck in an all-time low.

 

Well, her world came crashing down,

Turrets tumbling to the ground,

Her mental castle’s breaking now.

 

And with that one, that thin blade,

She decided her fate,

She wasn’t going to stay.

 

Take a mirror and spin it ‘round,

See yourself gazing down,

She looks like you, somehow.

 

Look at the knife, look at the ground,

Look at your arm, blood spurting out.

It’s too late to save you now.

Water and wine become one,

Mixing together, they come undone,

It can’t be stopped once it’s begun.

 

She was never really here anyways,

Always looking for an escape,

Anything she could to get away.

Author's Note

What do you think? Does it make sense? Is there anything I could change/improve? I really want feedback on this. I wrote it slightly to the tune of the Coldplay song "Low". I need a title for this as well so any suggestions are welcome. The title I'm using now is a temporary title.

Reviews

[Miseryb]

I noticed something that I found very interesting about your poem and was wondering if you did it on purpose.
When reading just the italicized words they seem to explain the flow of emotions.
I like the title. The poem flows nicely and makes perfect sense!
The only line that doesn't appear to fit is the water and wine one. I understand the meaning behind it but it seems out of place, almost like an after thought.
Awesome poem!

[Isabelle Faye]

Actually, I didn't do that on purpose. But after you mentioned it, I looked, and you're right, Maybe I did it subconsciously. I was using the italics as a way to smooth the transition into the next stanza as some of them don't quite connect linearly.

I'm glad that the poem makes sense and has a good flow.

Yes, that's my problem with that line as well. I added it because I felt that there needed to be an extra stanza in order to complete the poem. It feels out of place though, and I've been trying to think of something to put in instead, but I can't find a new idea that works.
Thank you for taking the time to review this work.

[Kupendwa]

I really like this. I felt your emotions, emotions that are so familiar to me. It's relatable. It's raw. It's beautifully heart-wrenching. Well done.

For a title? Maybe something simple like 'Absent.'

[Mary]

this is so very sad! Taken line by line, it might not make perfect sense, but read aloud, completely, it's a tragedy in slo-mo. We experience it all- the breakdown, the crashing the slashing, the final bloody tragedy. And the scattered placement of each triplet on the page has its own twirling, swirling thing happening, broken by the quartet. If I were to suggest anything, I'd add another 4-liner somewhere perhaps two stanzas from the end. Another favorite added to my library.

[Pax]

this is sad...every stanza is like a fragment of a broken soul...like each memories coming together...kinda abstract for what i think...and i may say it well written..
Great Job.

[Isabelle Faye]

Thank you. I'm glad that you like it.

[Author Rucha Joshi]

its deep, hardhitting..... its effective

[Isabelle Faye]

Thank you

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

yes it makes sense and it so sad but well written.

[Isabelle Faye]

I'm glad that it makes sense, I wasn't sure if it did. I'm also glad you like my poem, thanks for the review.

[MusicLover]

I love it and also the zig zag effect makes it more affective because it can be cuts which taggs along with the puicture

[Isabelle Faye]

Thank you.

[MusicLover]

no prob

[EvilIsRelative]

I think the zigzagging display adds to the effect of the poem.

[Isabelle Faye]

Thank you. To me, it's almost like falling down a stair way. I don't know why I did it, it just seemed right.

[Darkness]

Awesome Job and Rating: 98/100

[Isabelle Faye]

Thank you. Is there anything that you like or disliked in particular about the poem?

[Legolas]

Very well written poem. It does go to tune of 'Low' very well. Please hold on for me. the world is tough and fraught with pain. You must tread through these waters though. Please hold on.
It makes a lot of sense.
For a title how about 'Fleeing'? Maybe, maybe not.

[Isabelle Faye]

Thank you, I'm glad that you like it. I'm glad it does. I wrote it while thinking of the song and it almost formatted itself into a poem/song lyrics. I will try to hold on for you, I can't promise to do any more than try though because I don't want to ever break a promise I make to you. I know I must but sometimes it becomes very hard to carry on with life when the water's currents seek to pull me down, dragging at my legs, tugging at my hold on life. I will try, I promise you that. I will try with everything that I have to hold on.

I'm glad it makes sense, the storyline was spread out and it skipped lines so I was afraid it would be too confusing.
Maybe...I was also considering, mabye, just maybe, using "Tortured Soul" as a title but that seems to cliché.

[Legolas]

That's all I want you to do is try. Thank you.

That's a good title. Better than 'Fleeing'.

[Isabelle Faye]

I will try, I can promise you that.

I like your title as well. I'm glad that you like it.

[Legolas]

Thank you for trying.