A Girl I Know

When I walk into a room and see her, I know that my day will be made the moment I get to speak with her. Though we met at work we do most of our talking online. I never thought that I could feel so happy and satisfied with life until I met her, nor could I imagine the pain in my heart when we would fight. I love this girl to the moon and back and yet I know all too well she doesn't feel the same. I don't blame her for it though, how could I? She is leaving the state for school and told me she didn't want a relationship, I'm not sure how much truth is behind that but I know that isn't the only reason. I understand I'm not the one she wants, and it kills me. It hurts so much because its like she doesn't see what I see. She doesn't see how beautiful and radiant she is. She doesn't get to see how she smiles when she smiles for real. It almost seems like she doesn't see how amazing she is because people have hurt her too many times before. Then I did it, and it was by far the biggest mistake of my life. Even typing this now I tear up knowing what could have been if I had just clicked a single button. I tear up knowing that I had hurt her and that there was no way to make up for it. Even though things between us are better I still feel a wrenching in my heart because of it. Now it's less than a month before she goes, and I'm so scared that I won't get to talk with her, since she won't be working with me anymore. I'm so scared that she's just been putting up with me until she has to leave. All these thoughts and worries start with "what if?" What if she only put up with me? I would have been forcing my way into her life. Thoughts like that won't leave me alone and I can't make them go away. Today I know that there is no chance that me and her would be together and thinking about it makes me feel an indescribable pain. Everything about this girl is perfect, and my favorite part? Her smile. If I had to mention anything it would be her smile, when I see her smile it makes me feel like I've done something to help her. If I had to choose between living 1000 years without her or a single day with her, I would choose the later. She is my everything and if anything ever happened to her I would be absolutely devastated. There are people that thought I should hate her, but how could I? She did nothing wrong, and if she did do something wrong she apologized for it sincerely. She isn't a bad person, she's a person. She makes mistakes and so do I. We're human and no one should be crucified for it. she doesn't feel welcome at social events because she is barred by everyone. I try to curb it best I can but it wont work if people have their minds made up. I am happy for her because she gets to go and meet more people, and these people won't treat her like an animal. My problem is that I don't have the courage to help her. I try my best and when it comes to crunch time I freeze up. If for one day I could stand by her and help her fight instead of behind her to catch her when she falls, it would make a difference. I only know how to follow behind though. It's not enough. She is worth more than gold to me, more than diamonds, more than drugs, than sex, more than anything imaginable. I am not sure how much longer we will be friends but I never want it to end. I never want to say goodbye, I never want us to stop talking but I know all good things come to an end eventually, and if the day comes that we don't talk, I won't have a thing. My favorite memory? I couldn't say.. its all been so wonderful and amazing and joyful. Valentines day, she was my first valentine. Every time she hugged me I wouldn't want to let go, and neither would she. She got me to stop drinking. She cares, she cares so much for me and that's so foreign to me. I love her so much and I know that I'll eventually have to move on but its so hard trying to accept that I'm not what she wants. I try so hard and yet I fail every time. I guess the moral of this story is, I love her and I know she doesn't feel the same. I won't press, I won't act like I care just to get in her pants like other losers. I won't hurt her ever again. I'd say all of this to her in person but I'm far too scared to do it.