Nightmare

Midnight. I could have loved you more. I could have tried to understand what you said to me on those long walks next to the river. It makes me sad that I only  know how to love you deeply during your absence. Your presence overwhelms me, it turns me upside down and swallows my feelings and all the sudden, it's you and me, and I cannot think clearly. I should have been stronger in my head.

One a.m.. I am talking alone, with you. You are not here, but I need you to be. Where are you right now? Are you asleep? Are you drunk in some bar kissing some girl? Are you lying awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking about how stupid it feel to have a broken heart? I love you. I want to talk to you. You would understand what I say, you always did. But you are not here. It is my fault. I should had loved you more.

Two a.m.. It occurs to me now that in a year I won't remember you. At least as you are. The smell of your skin will go with the wind, and the thin lines of your hands will fade away. I won't remember the taste of your lips, or how warm was your touch, and isn't that scary? And it's not fair either. You are going to be long gone and my memories will be changed forever, so it will be like it had never happened. One day, I might even doubt your existence. And how is that even possible if now I am laying on my bed, drown in silence and asking for you to come back?

Three a.m.. I am so mad. You make me so mad. This was your fault too, you stupid little idiot. You hurt me. You hurt me really bad. Why? Why the hell did you do that? I didn't need you to love me, you could had just stayed the f**k away from me. What did you think you were going to do, save me? That makes me revolve in my own agony, and laugh until my lungs are bleeding. You didn't save me. If I wanted to die tonight, you would be the pill I would take to kill me.

Four a.m.. I crossed the dark corridors into the dining room and took one of my father's bottle of Irish whiskey. I need a break from you. I turn it upside down, right to my throat. It's bitter and hard and it tastes just like regret and very dark nostalgia. I am feeling the alcohol running down my veins and it feels like the chills I had when you kissed me for the first time. Why the f**k aren't you kissing me? You say so much stuff about love being complicated, and I never got it. But you know what? You must be right. Because now the sun is about to rise again and I am lying in a bed made of failure and broken glass and I must have missed something very important, cause this is not where I was the last time I remember being breathing. I take the bottle to my mouth but it's already empty. So now, I am not kissing you anymore. I am so mad at you. I hate you. Please come rescue me. I can't take it any longer.

Five a.m.. There's a grey stain on the wall. I've been staring at it for the last minutes. My linen are in disarray, my head is all messed up, I have an empty bottle on the floor. Who the f**k am I? How long has that stain been there? Is it in love with some other stain? If I was a stain, would I be in love? Yes, of course I would. Always in love, always trying to be as stupid as I can. For f**k sake, what am I doing? When did I become this girl? I f*****g hate her. I just really hate myself.

Six a.m.. So now I'm just crying. Again. And I am feeling sorry for myself again. The truth is, I am a sad girl. Can I blame him for leaving? Yes, I can, because it was his fault, but the reality is that I would run away from myself too if I could. I am not even brave enough to kill myself. I am not even sad enough to want to die. It feels so lonely, being awake at dawn, it feels like I am the only person in the world. This loneliness is f*****g me over. I am in love with you. I miss you. There's a hole in my chest. We used to make fun of broken hearts. Now my heart is broken, and there's a possibility that you are at my window laughing at my tears. So I get up. I want to yell at you, I want to kiss you, and then we'll fall asleep together forever, and we'll never wake up again. I stand up. I walk to the window, but the room is spinning around and I don't remember your name. I look outside. Everything is outside. The whole world is outside. But you are not at my window. So I fall to the ground. I am drunk, and I am exhausted, and I am in love, and there is so much pain, and the air in my bedroom is so heavy and full of filthy lies.

Seven a.m.. I don't understand why you weren't at my window.

Reviews

[Captain Rilen]

I love this piece, wonderfully written and so accurately you have described the pain of loving someone who you can no longer be with. The worst part of it is, I feel like this was how my girlfriend felt when I left her. I left her to save her from me, from my depression and mental state. It completely broke my heart to do but it was for the best. It's been seven months and I'm still not over her yet she is doing incredibly well and is happier than ever. Sometimes people breakup for reasons that are good and honest, they may never tell you of them. In hindsight she would say she is happy we broke up, all I can think about is how I miss her and yet am still happy for her.