Amy was my closest friend and one that I had cherished, even to this day. I was always spending money on her and I loved it. She was always excited about the things I bought her, always showing it off and wearing it whenever we hung out. I loved her and she loved me, and we were quite the friends. She did many of the things that I did, smoked cigarettes, cut and even had the same hair color. Some people said we looked like twins, because of our similar looks. Amy, you could say, was the best friend I ever had. We had our fights, when people were trying to tear us apart. I even called her out on things I knew she never did. But in the end, nothing could tear us apart, we were too close and too similar. I was always texting her, and I remember the one fight we had. I was always texting her the fight instead of face-to-face because I was scared I would crack, but I always did anyways.
"How dare you!" I text her.
"How dare I what? What are you talking about?" Amy replies.
"Nothing, whats up?" I text.
I was always messing with her.
"Just waiting for you to get here, when you getting here?!" she texts.
"I'm just pulling into the park now, hold on." I text back.
I pull into her driveway and get out and walk to her door, and she's already there waiting for me. I guess she was excited to see me considering it's been two weeks since we last hung out. We were headed for the mall. On the way there she blasts our song on the radio...
"Give me a call if you wanna come roll with me I'm only one call away You could, roll with, me, if you was my baby"
We're laughing at the song and just rolling with it when we finally get to the mall. We get inside and immediately go to Deb, our favorite store. I got about $50 in cash and a debit card waiting to be used. I usually spent all my money on Amy and I, a thing that my Mom hated about me. We start at the lingerie and end with the belts. We spent about $40 alone at Deb and we were off to get some lunch.
"I can't believe we spent so much money again. Isn't your Mom gonna get mad again?" Amy suggests.
"I can deal. It's not the end of the world. I still got money left anyway," I reply.
After lunch we head off to Hot Topic. We spend another $30 on piercings, something else we had in common, our labret piercings that we pierced ourselves. Eventually we decide to go back to our place, now that I had $90 less than I started with. When we get to her place we show all our new stuff to her Mom. Her Mom was even excited about our purchases and wants us to show them off. After we were done showing them off we head to our friend Kevin's house. There we show off our new clothes again and then party.
We had our alcohol of choice in hand- mikes hard lemonade- when we decide to dance to the music. I wasn't that good of a dancer but Amy could, and so I just went with it while she smoked the room up, she was hot!
The next day I get a phone call from Amy;
"Hello?" I say.
"He left me! (while in tears) Andy left me!" Amy screams.
This was one of many of Amy's boyfriends, always getting one after another after another.
"Hun, calm down! I can't hear you," I exclaim.
"I-I-I-I C-c-can't." Amy tries to get out.
"Babe, what did he do now? If he hurt you...Oh boy! Hell is breaking loose tonight" I say.
She goes on for about 5 minutes before she finally calms down and tells me that Andy had left her... again. I tell her to calm down and I'm on my way over to meet her. On the way there I think of all the possible things I could to Andy for hurting Amy again, but I know I'll do none of them. I'm just as scared of him as she is. Not that he ever laid hands on her but you could see from what he looked like, that he would have, without a doubt, hurt her. When I finally arrive there, she's in tears, a broken heart. But I knew she would get over it in a couple days so this wasn't that big of deal. But I still try and calm her down, because that's what best friends are for. She finally tells me the story of what happened...
They were having fun, just fooling around when he all the sudden gets mad, tells her to get away from him. She asks what's wrong but nothing comes of it. Finally after 10 minutes of torture, he tells her he wants to break up, that he can't see her anymore because it's too much for him. All the partying, it has to stop. The drinking, the drugs and the sex. All the sex with the random people. But she tells him she's not gonna stop and they break up, but not before he pleads her to stop all this non-sense. He loves her too much to deal with it all.
I couldn't blame him on that one, but I was stuck in all the same things she was, so I couldn't tell her to stop. I was a partier just like her.
Amy had undoubtedly changed who I was, and I was loving every moment of it. Everything that I had dreamed I wanted, was coming true. I was partying with people I hardly knew, drinking up a storm and smoking weed like it was nothing. But there was those tough times that were sure to come. It was a dreary day, and I had just come home from working when my Mom approaches me.
"What are you doing with her? You know you can get arrested just hanging out with that girl, right?" Mom starts at me.
"But Mom she's my best friend!" I start.
"I don't care, you need to stay away from her!" Mom yells.
"Alright, alright, I will," I say.
"Good, you don't need to get arrested, you can actually go to jail now!" Mom tells me.
But that never stops me from seeing Amy. I made up a new name and age for her, one that Mom will approve. And I go ahead and call Amy to tell her the news.
"Amy, she found out...again!" I say.
"Found out what again?" She asks.
"That you're Amy and now we have to make up a new name and age for you." I explain.
"Okay, okay. I'm.... Uh... Jessica and I'm 17." She decides.
"Okay, that's perfect! Even though.. I was gonna call you Ashley and you were gonna be 18. But okay!' I exclaim.
"Well either one works.." says Amy.
"Okay we'll just stick with yours, it's more believable.
We were a team again, and nothing could stop us. I just had to outwit my Mother for a little while longer, until she unexpectedly finds out again. I don't know how she does it, but she knows every time. But I tell Amy I'm on my way and head over to her place. When I get there, like always, she's waiting for me outside. It's party time! But no until we get ready! So we head to her bathroom and take a shower, get dressed and start doing our hair and make up. Then it's time for a party. So we get into the car and start blasting Metro Station.
"Another cigarette and I'm so bored, your words aren't making sense and I was taken but you were waiting. One more drink and I'm convinced...."
It was just another party for us two, who partied almost every week.
Then there was Kay. Kay was just as rebellious as Amy and I. She pierced her own lip, dyed her hair a billion colors and wore black eyeliner all the time. She was always on the move and loved cigarettes as much as I did. We were best friends and spent half our time dying each others hair. Since I was older and had a job, I always bought everything including the cigarettes.
"What color we dying your hair this week?" Kay asks me.
"I'm going with black, red and purple! Think you can do it?" I reply.
"Of course I can, we're going to school for this kind of stuff haha," Kay says.
Kay and I met only a few months ago when she started cosmetology class, the one I'd been in for a year now. We immediately became friends when she sat next to me during class and asked me what color pen she should use. We both agreed on purple and from then on we were inseparable.
I had two wonderful best friends that were just like me and I couldn't have been happier. Though neither of them met until one day I decided that I wanted to hang out with both of them. When they got together they decided that they liked each other and even tried to go out over the next couple weeks. But it turned out they were just giving each other mixed signals and they parted ways and everything was back to normal and I never got those two back together. What I forgot to mention about Amy, Kay and I was that we were bisexual. We liked each other for periods of time, dated each other and then half of our other girl friends too. But we were all inseparable from each other.
Inside I was feeling alone and scared. I didn't know why because I was surrounded by friends and even family, constantly. But as time went on, the feeling of despair, doom and even loneliness stayed. One day, I just snapped. I had completely changed into this new person, there was no stopping me now. I was walking different, talking different, just acting completely not myself. I didn't see a thing wrong with it and that's when I started cutting.
As the blade cut through my skin, I'm thinking- What have I done to get to this point? I'm in trouble but that doesn't stop me, nothing does. All I want is a way out and I found it. Cutting was my fascination. I was hooked from the moment I tried it, and nothing could stop me from doing it. The blade was sharp, my skin was smooth and I had a whole arm full of nothing. It was like cutting was my art project and I worked on it all the time. I was lost in despair and I couldn't help but keep going with who I had become. I had lost who I was but I was not about to turn back now.
I had become a girl of despair and lust. I filled my time with boys, cutting and partying with complete strangers. I was allowed to do whatever, whenever. The freedom, it had taken me by surprise and left me there. No one could tame me and I was awe-struck by everyone. They all seemed to have the life I wanted, I dreamt of, I needed at the moment. They had the guts while I had the dreams and hopes to be them. I was out of control and no one was here to stop me.
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