Crush

Give me a fairy tale to hide behind. 

Keep me enshrouded in lies. 

I need to breathe the air, 

except there's nothing there. 

Nothing for me to hold on to, 

floating in the endless void. 

Asphyxiation fixation. 

I can't seem to get a breath.

I'm shaking. 

Shaking because I fear this is the end. 

That this is how I'm going to die. 

Shaking because I like it this way. 

I wish it this way. 

I beg for the end that these means can give me.

Cut me. Cut open my skin.

Make me bleed and remember all the things I've done.

Make me remember all the things I should've done.

I'm a failure. Heart failure. 

No longer beating. 

No longer living. 

No longer trying to stay above the water. 

I'm drowning. 

Drowning in this murky slime, 

Never to see the light of day again. 

The way it should be. 

Because I was made for this. 

Born to die and please a God I will never have the pleasure to know, 

and I'm supposed to be ok with that.

I have to be ok with that because that can't be the final answer. 

I refuse to be just another pawn in this game. 

I want to make my own rules and make him notice me my own way. 

F**k what all the other Christians say. 

I don't care what you have to do to get close to your god. 

I don't care what being close to your god looks like.

I need to form my own way because yours is killing me. 

Mine is killing me too, 

But I'd rather take my own life than lay it into your hands.

I'd rather crush than be crushed.