The Time Of Our Deaths Chapter 1

On a cold Virginia morning, a school bus full of unsuspecting teenagers makes a date with fate.

Chapter One:

     “Fatal School Bus Crash Claims 5.”
     I can imagine the headline. I didn’t see it myself mind you, as I was too busy trying to climb out of the freezing river. I didn’t realize when I had gotten on the school bus that morning that it could be the last time I ever saw my friends or even breathed the cold morning air. I used to complain of the cold during these months, standing on the street corner waiting for Mr. Mills to pull that yellow bus up to the curb to let us on. It all seems so trivial now. Not just the cold, but everything. The way it used to bug me that Mom just had to kiss me every time I walked out the door, even though I was now 15 years old. The way Mr. Harmin, our math teacher, would literally breathe down our necks during his surprise math tests. The way I swore one day I would tell Angela Hayes just how beautiful I thought she was. These things seem silly now but on the day of the crash they all weighed heavy on my mind.
     It started out as a normal day, if you can call it as such. I stood at the bus stop with my best friend, Henry Smalls. Henry was the kind of guy everyone else called fat, while his few friends thought of him as just being big boned. He had a big heart too, much bigger than anyone else I knew. We’d been best friends since elementary school, graduating from jacks and crayons to homework and detention. I’m just kidding. Neither Henry nor I ever got into that kind of trouble. All our troubles came after the accident.
     If we had been the only fatalities that day I wouldn’t even be telling this story, but the presence of other schoolmates made us question our predicament and react differently to what came after.
     Also standing on the corner waiting for the bus that morning was Kate O’ Donnell, a red haired girl with pale skin, who was nearly invisible to everyone around her. Every school has someone like this that blends in so perfectly they go unnoticed and are often considered as a ‘nobody’, if they are even considered at all. It’s not that she wasn’t pretty; it’s just that any beauty she may have possessed was hidden by her second hand ill fitting clothes and unkempt hair. Thinking back on it now I think she may have planned it that way. Maybe she believed if she were noticed it would be the death knell to her anonymity. Strange how death can make you see people like Kate with different eyes.
     Someone who could never be anonymous also stood with us. If there ever was a girl who was the exact opposite of Kate O’ Donnell, it had to be Angela Bowers. Honor roll student, aspiring model, cheerleader, most likely the next Homecoming Queen, she had always been absolutely gorgeous. Even those who could never reach her heights of popularity couldn’t deny her stunning allure, with her perfect cheekbones, long golden hair, and curving figure. Boys wanted to be with her, girls wanted to be like her, and for the most part no one came close to achieving either. No one except Billy Anders that is.
     Billy was not only Angela’s shadow and boyfriend, but he was also our school quarterback. Why is it that the jock always gets the cheerleader? Is there some rule written down somewhere that says this is the way it’s supposed to be? I used to dream that Angela would be the girl to break that mold, that she would rise above what was expected and do something truly different. But sadly she never did. She remained a textbook example of the all-star perfect girl about campus. I used to wonder if her life at home was just as pristine as her school image.
     Billy Anders had somehow graduated from Middle School bully to High School yearbook star, but that bully edge never quite left him. He was always quick to let other guys know they were beneath him. Personally, I think in Billy’s mind, Angela was more another trophy than anything, but she seemed oblivious to it all, so lost she was in her circle of one. Then again maybe I’m just saying that in her defense, so smitten I had been with her for the past three years.
     All boys carry this curse it seems, to dream of the girl they know they can never have. I don’t know why we admire the unattainable; it’s just the way things are. Eventually we come to our senses, but until then we are hopeless with our delirious little blinders on. And though other kids stood on this corner with us as we waited to go to school, they are almost like shadows to me now, as if with time their memory fades, having never shared the mysterious and often confusing events the way they did.
    
     I sat at the front of the bus that morning as I always did. This seems to be another one of those unwritten rules: cool kids sit in the back, geeks sit up front. But I wasn’t your classic geek. No black frame glasses or pen in my breast pocket. In fact, if I’d let my hair grow long, or take up cigarettes, or lift weights, I would have fit in with the so-called cool kids nicely. But why conform to a certain standard just to be liked? Yeah, I’d like to be noticed or maybe even admired in some small way, but in High School there is no in-between. You’re either extremely cool or fatally mediocre. But at least I wasn’t alone in my ordinary status.
     Henry sat next to me, reading the latest Spiderman comic a little bit too loudly, but that was okay. It covered up all the mocking conversation coming from the back row where Angela, Billy, and the rest of their cronies sat.
     I don’t know why there are people in this world, and even the next, who think they must be louder than everyone else. Do they have this need to be heard above everyone else, or do they just love the sound of their own voice? From the back of the bus, the ‘coolies’, as we of the loser variety called them, always made sure the whole bus knew exactly what or who they were talking about. On this particular day, the subject of their conversation was the upcoming Friday night game against our neighboring rivals, The Falcons.
     “We’re going to tear those falcons right out of the sky,” promised Billy. The reply of his clique was nothing but catcalls and shouts of our team, The Cougar, being the best on the planet. Our team was good, but I think that was stretching it a bit. Angela herself began to lead her squad in another cheer designed to tell everyone who wasn’t a Cougar that they were losers. Of course Billy being who he was shot a rubber band at the back of Henry’s head to let us know we were included in the latter category. Henry yelped and grabbed his neck where a red mark was showing the evidence of the rubber band’s sting.
     I turned in my seat, glaring at Billy and his friends. The quarterback grinned and shrugged his shoulders. “Oops,” he laughed, to which everyone on the back seat snickered.
     This was not a remarkable event I want you to know. It actually seemed to be the normal routine. Whenever Billy got bored it was time to pick on someone and assert his superiority. I didn’t stare at the coolies for long, for to do so would invite further confrontations, so I turned back to Henry, who seemed to be fighting the urge to cry.
     “Don’t you cry,” I whispered, and he regained whatever composure he had previously possessed. Resuming his comic reading, I was proud of my friend and resilience. It does take a special kind of person to put up with being picked on daily.
     And if it wasn’t him, then it was I playing victim. I usually let it wash off me though, having grown accustomed to the antics of Billy and his gang. Something told me that today would be different though. And then the paper airplane landed in my lap. 
     There was no question where it came from. Paper airplanes were the specialty of Derek Houseman, Billy’s best friend and high school linebacker. I looked at the airplane in my lap and silently told myself to just shove it onto the floor and consider it no further.  But some stupid curiosity told me to examine it. Of course the words ‘Open Me’ that were scrawled on one crumpled wing was invitation enough. Unfolding the airplane, I knew everyone’s eyes were on me.  Even the kids who barely paid attention to the taunting of the coolies. I turned in my seat to glance at them. They all waited on the back row in grinning, rapt attention. Halfway up the aisle, even Kate the invisible girl was watching.
     I unfolded the airplane to see the words ‘Johnny Deckard is a gay wad’ hastily scrawled across the paper. The whole back seat erupted in riotous laughter. If we’d been anywhere else I would have got up and left. But this was the bus.
     I wanted to disappear. If there was ever a moment I wished I were a ghost then this was it. As the coolies laughed even louder it seemed to compel others to join in. Without looking, I imagined even Kate and Henry were laughing at me. Of course I knew this wasn’t true. It’s just suddenly I felt utterly alone. Lucky for me, Mr. Mills told everyone to quiet down and soon the bus reached the halfway point to school. We’d be getting off the bus shortly I told myself. All this would be over.
     As the bus crossed Bay’s Bridge high above Murray River, I wished to just jump in and drown. I really wish I could take back such thoughts now because in some small way I think I may have willed what happened next upon all of us.
     The bus was traveling along, about halfway across the old bridge, when it happened. Maybe Mr. Mills didn’t see the broken down truck blocking the other side when we started across, but when it finally registered with him he slammed on the brakes. They grabbed and then gave out. I could see him in the driver’s seat frantically putting foot to the brake, but they were no longer working. I heard him shout, “Hold on,” but the incident with the paper airplane still had everyone laughing. Henry and I heard him though, and I thought I heard Kate scream behind us as the bus went into a slide. It swerved and hit the ancient guardrail. The bus crashed through the old wood and that finally got everyone’s attention.
     We were going over. Everyone was screaming now as the front end tipped. I could see the river in front of me, its icy embrace awaiting us below.
    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Paris France]

An appealing chapter, to be sure : )
You have a unique style that adds a air of creativeness to your piece, it‘s very refreshing. Also, by reading this, I get the impression you are a sophisticated British author. Haha! : )
That being said, allow me to point out a few things:

1. “Fatal School Bus Crash Claims 5.” I really think this should be in capital italics. Having it in quotes made me think it was dialog and by changing it to italics it appears more dramatic and attention demanding.
FATAL SCHOOL BUS CRASH CLAMES FIVE! (the review box won't let me put it in italics, but see what I mean?)

2. ‘I can imagine the headline…’
I think it should be ‘ I could.’ to further jive with the past tense narrative. Also, I would keep a sharp eye out for tense changes throughout your chapter, I found just a few, but they were minor.

3. Mechanical errors (sorry for nitpicking)
These things (seem) silly now,^ but on the day of the crash they all weighed heavy on my mind.’
‘But sadly,^ she never did.
‘Of course Billy,^ being who he was,^ shot a rubber band at the back of Henry’s head…’
‘...second hand (ill-fitting) clothes and unkempt hair.’

4. ‘Not just the cold, but also everything.’ Fragment.
‘No one except Billy Anders that is’ Also a Fragment.

All in all, I found this chapter a delightful read--something new and interesting that I look forward to reading more of! Nice work.
God bless : )

[Laura]

Wow! this is an amazing first chapter. I was hooked from the beginning and truly didn't want to stop reading! can't wait the read the next chapter.

[Ted Lambert]

Good phrasing. Cliche high school characters. Your challenge is going to be setting it apart from the gazillion other stories out there set in the same milieu.

[billie peach]

Interesting, really. I will put this in my library to read at a later time. A few things I would like to mention. I can totally imagine the headline, but usually numbers five and over are written in words. Even a newspaper usually puts it like that. I also notice that in "the Falcons" the was capitalized. There is no need for that. I didn't see anything else that really caught my attention. Good setting and description. I like it.

[Faeshifter]

We’d been best friends since elementary school, graduating from jacks and crayons to homework and detention. - I think that is such a great definition of a boy's life, i was actually disappointed when you erased it by saying 'not really'

The scene setting is great, great starting hook - “Fatal School Bus Crash Claims 5.”
I can imagine the headline.

The writing is good enough that it isn;t immediately obvious that everyone of the secondary characters is a stereotype. The only person who isn't is the primary. Defined by the rest as a geek but refuses the status. Considering that the whole world is generally only a month in the gym and a good shopping trip away from being cool this too was a trifle disappointing.

Forgive my ignorance, since I am English and know the American school system only from the media, but don't all teenagers think their own little sub group is way cooler than the top dogs? Rather than excusing himself away from the nerd/geek placement it might be better to have Johnny claim his own status by whatever title he might chose.

Okay so I found quite a lot to say about something I said was almost overlooked. Anyhow. The only bit that truly stuck out - and I rather like your more quirky phrasing - was when the rubber band hit Henry. With two 15 year old lads I don't think that "Don't cry" have been said aloud - or possible it would just work better if the primary feared that Henry would cry only to pull it together by himself. The spoken 'don't cry' deliberately hamstrings Henry's character, making him weak and not to be trusted (to save his own public face) whether this is to deliberately show Henry's weakness - or whether this is to boost the primary character's strength it's too early to tell. All too often main characters are given no weakness and their supporting cast given too many.
Now I want to go on to discuss Johnny's flaws (the fact that he's enamoured of a girl with no personality and has a crybaby best friend...) but that's pure personal choice and no meaning to your own writing

This is the most commersical piece of writing I have read here - above some of those that i know have gone to be published even. Congratulations to you on all your hard work.

[Miss Coral]

Wonderful grabbing start. Great voice and description... love how you subtly set up a scene, only to destroy it with one terrible incident.
Now, for the nitpicks: as Deep Thinker Guy said, there were a couple of awkwardly phrased parts.
I would also steer away from making the background characters TOO cliche; my personal high school experience has included none of those stereotypes.

Also, this one little part bothered me- it drew me out of the story, and made this dark toned story a little bit too flippant and made me stop for a moment:

"We’d been best friends since elementary school, graduating from jacks and crayons to homework and detention. I’m just kidding. Neither Henry nor I ever got into that kind of trouble. All our troubles came after the accident."



Otherwise, very nicely done. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more.

-Coral-

[Goodbye]

Wow! This really drew me in! I would echo some of Deep Thinker Guy's technical problems, but if that's re-worked you have a great story here, My Friend. I can't wait to read the next chapter tomorrow!

[Creepy Swine Guy]

Geez Paul, what a great start. I shouldn't be surprised ... blown away, yes ... surprised, no. I did find some instances of phrasing that I found to be awkward and those were about my only niggles. I shall list them here and you can scan for them and decide if you want to change them ... or ignore the crazy old man. Here they are in order of occurrence ...

"call it as such"
"so smitten, I had been"
"then it was I playing victim"
"take back such thoughts"

In every case, I would suggest simpler, more conversational sounding phrases.

Oh okay I lied. There was one other little thing. When Billy Anders shot the rubber band and said "Oops" ... you left "Oops" embedded in the paragraph. That's dialogue isn't it? Just because it's only one word doesn't mean you don't structure it like regular dialogue ... yes?

All in all though I love it. Chapter one is a great hook with a great cliffhanger ... or ... cliff faller offer. I have every intention of reading it from start to finish in one sitting when you finish ... assuming you finish before we review it one chapter at a time. You'd better! I don't really want to wait.

[eL]

This is one of those things that i would go on reading all day. good start!

[~Lizzy♬]

There were a few spelling errors but, mostly everything was great! Keep it up! :)