LETTTERS OF REGRET #1

True story

 

 

Dear Jeanette,

 

 As always I hope and pray that when this letter reaches the safety of your hands it finds you, the kids and the rest of the family well. As for me, I’ve had my share of ups and downs since we parted company, but on the whole I’m good. It’s been quite some time since we last saw or been in contact with one another and I have missed you. Every now and the something happens that triggers my memory of you. Sometimes it’s as simple as a song we enjoyed together. Sometimes it’s being in a familiar place we went to together. Sometimes it’s a cornball movie; where there’s a scene in it that we experienced together or I fantasized us doing together. I figured you weren’t going to make the first move to contact me so I decided to step up to the plate and reach out to you.

 

I guess you’re wondering why I’ve decided to write you at this time. Well lately I’ve been thinking about you. I thought about all the good and bad times we shared. I thought about the many mistakes we made with each other. I thought about how we both broke our word to each other time and time again in various ways. I tried to figure out where we went wrong. When I opened my eyes and took an honest look back at our relationship it wasn’t really hard to figure out where we went wrong. For a long time I was mad at you and I’m sure you were just as mad at me for f*****g up our relationship.

 

So I decided to put our story on paper. Believe me my motives for doing this are not to embarrass you in any way or to cause you any type of grief. I just think that whoever reads this can benefit from all the mistakes we made. It won’t be a “how to in relationships”, instead it will be a “how not guide “ to f*****g up relationships. We had a chance at something really special between us that could have lasted a lifetime but we sacrificed it for some real bullshit. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what we went through, not even my worst enemy. So sit back, put your feet, pop a Corona, relax and read on.

 

I remember the first I saw you as if it were yesterday. I was visiting my sister Kim and you dropped by to have a word with her. Just before you and Kim disappeared to the backroom , Kim caught my eye and she stopped short. I guess she saw that my eyes were clued on you or maybe she remembered her manners of introductions. Kim took you by the hand and led you over to where I was sitting. She introduce us by telling me your name was Jeanette but you preferred to be called “India”. She introduced me to you as her oldest brother “Greg”, said I was the bad guy of the family and told you to be very careful of me with a smile. Then the two of you disappeared and left me with my mouth wide open and my tongue wagging. You made a lasting first impression on me which was rare after meeting one of my sister’s friends. Kim doesn’t socialize with a lot of “good girls”. I turned to my bother-in-law Irving and immediately asked him “what’s up with India?”. Before he could give me any details about you, you and Kim appeared from the backroom and you were heading to the door you only a minute ago came through. Just like that you were gone. If I had, had a crystal ball to gaze into to see the future I probably would have never pursued you. That’s not true, I would have pursued you any way I just wouldn’t have made so many mistakes with you.

 

I had no way of knowing it then, but you would become my greatest victory as well as my greatest defeat. When I saw you I fell in “instant like with you”. I thought you were so beautiful. I like the way you spoke. I like the sound of your voice. Hearing your voice was like hearing my favorite song and it was music to my ears. As you know now I had a very strong attraction towards Hispanic woman (still do). I love your accent, it wasn’t strong but noticeable.I noticed right away the oversized  clothing you were wearing. I don’t know if you were being fashionable or attempting to hide your figure. You may have been able to fool other men by wearing baggy clothing but to a guy like me who has a trained eye for these type of situations I was able to see through your disguise. I immediately sized you up and I was very pleased with visual image that I conjured up of you. I’ve never had the pleasure of seeing an angel but I was convinced that if I ever did see one they would look just like you. You measured up to my specifications and expectations of the perfect woman to the letter. You were beautiful (still are), short in height, sexy lips, shoulder length curly hair (which drove me crazy). Small perky breast, nice flat stomach, small waist, very nice a*s, perfectly shaped legs and small feet. Not only did you look good, you smelled real good too. At the time I didn’t know the name of the fragrance you were wearing. I later found out it was Victoria’s Secrets’ Lavender. To this day I still love that smell, it’s so fresh and so clean clean (smile). Whenever I come in contact with that smell I recognize it immediately and I think of you.

 

I wanted you and meant to have you by any means necessary. Me being 5’11’’, 170 lbs, Black, good looking, smart as hell combined with all your attributes would naturally paint the outward picture of the perfect couple. I imagined us having a beautiful baby girl with your looks, my brains and our mix of Dominican and African blood. I asked my sister Kim a lot of questions about you. She told me about you having a man, having a few kids and that you lived in the projects a few blocks from her. She also without going into details told me that you had a rough life but you were basically a good girl and her friend. My sister knowing me and being a good friend told me to stay away from you. I’m figuring she just didn’t want me to introduce you to our family charm. Kim knew I wasn’t paying her any attention because she got some what upset and took on a much more serious tone in her voice. (Kim doesn’t get upset easily, so I listened) She came and sat down next to me and says “Greg I know you like India and I think she likes you too because I saw the same look on her face that you had on yours when I introduced the two of you. She has a man, whom by the way I can’t stand and if you pursue her you’re going to cause her a lot of problems. Her man is very jealous and physically abusive to India and if he even thinks she is cheating on him, there’s no telling what he’ll do to her. She smiles, calls me a trouble maker and says “that’s why I keep you away from my friends”.

 

What Kim told me weighed heavily on my mind. At the moment I didn’t have a clear solution but I figured one would come when it was needed. All I knew was that I liked what I saw in you and I was willing to do whatever needed to be done to let you know that. This was a totally new feeling for me. I’ve never in my whole life been so motivated  to move into action as I was after meeting you. I daydreamed about you during the day, I dreamed about you at night and my first waking thought each day was of you.  WOW, I HAD IT REAL BAD FOR YOU!!! It was just a feeling, but for some reason I felt you were the missing piece of the puzzle that would make me complete. I fantasized about you a lot and it wasn’t always sexual, that’s when I knew you were THE ONE. You never knew these things because I never told you, I wish I would have. One of my many REGRETS.

 

The next time I saw you was almost just like the first time (you came in, talk to Kim and then you were gone again). Only this time you had a message which I knew was for me. You didn't say it directly to me but I caught it just the same and so did Kim. You gave Kim a phone number for her to reach you at your mother's house. Our eyes locked on each other just before you went out the door and the smile you gave me dam near melted my heart away. The next time I went to Kim's house I tried to get your mother's phone number from Kim but she claimed she couldn't find it. Needless to say I was a little upset with my sister. I thought she was trying to block or deter my mission to expose you to my family charm. As I look back now I realize she was only trying to protect you. I promised myself that whenever, where ever I saw you next, I was going to step to my business and holler at you.

 

I don't know if it was fate or just my lucky day, but I remember walking down 140th St towards the library (which was across the street from where Kim lived) and who do I see? You, the one and only person I had hope to see. You were on the side of my sister's building, waiting for her to return home. I knew right then there that the ball was in my court and it was time to sink that long range three pointer. As I'm approaching you, you turned around and saw me coming. I couldn't swear to, but I'm almost certain I saw your eyes light up when you saw me. Once I reached you, we gave the customary hood greeting; a hug and a peck on the cheek. (It was our first physical contact and it felt dam good.) I asked how you were doing?, which you replied "I'm all right, I just came by to see your sister, and you?". I told you "I was good. I was just taking a stroll, enjoying the weather". I'm pretty sure you didn't buy that story, somehow you knew I was looking for you. Listen India, "I don't want to seem out of line, I know you got a man and all that, but if you're not busy later on I would really  like to take you out. You look like you could do with some fun and I promise you'll enjoy yourself". You said "yes" and agreed to meet me back at my sister's house later on the day. When you said yes, my mind automatically went into overdrive. I thought about all the things I would like to do to you once I got you alone.

 

For the remainder of the day I was on pins and needles, wishing that time would speed up to the time we agreed to meet. I was in front of my grandmother's house, where I was staying at the time, waiting on the mailman. He had a check for that I had to have in order to finance my date with you. If you remember I was receiving workers’ compensation back then as a result of the car accident I had a few months before meeting you. Unfortunately, the mailman was running very late which meant I was going to be late meeting you. I had no way to contact you to let you know that I would be late, I just had faith that you would wait for me. When the mailman finally showed up  I ran into Irving on my way to Kim’s house and he told me you were waiting for me upstairs. He told me that I should hurry up because your boyfriend would probably soon come looking for you.

 

After explaining why I was late, we split up to pick some things that we would need for our first little adventure together. I remember watching you walk away from me and I thought you had the sexiest walk that I've ever seen. (you looked just as good walking away from me as you did walking towards me..smile.) Just thinking about that precise moment, still sends waves of heat through me. Again my thoughts of being alone with you starting rushing through my mind (I was in full lust mode). Finally, we gathered everything we felt we would need to enjoy ourselves, we jumped into a cab and headed to a hotel. It wasn't a five star hotel, but it was nice enough. Remember it sat on the side of the highway, about 500 yards away from the bridge that separated the Bronx from Queens. The rooms were a nice size, equipped with a nice big bed, mirrors on the wall, TV with adult entertainment and bathroom with a shower. What more could we ask for? If you remember they also had room service for food and drinks, which we took full advantage of. I don't think I ever drank that much before in my whole life.

 

I can't lie to you, our first date was initially supposed to be a booty call. I just wanted to get at you in the worst way imaginable. After arriving at the hotel, we ate and had a few drinks. I was enjoying your company so much sex was no longer my first priority (who could of known?). I just wanted to know more about you. Without going into any details Kim told me that you been involved in a lot of dramatic situations throughout for life. Since I was curious to find out what she meant I asked you. You told me "you were raped by a family member when you were thirteen years old". Then while you were living in the Dominican Republic you got pregnant. Your father then sent you New York where your mother was living and you had your first child when you were fifteen years old. Since you had dual citizenship in DR and New York you got connected to some drug dealers and became a drug smuggler for a cartel at the age of seventeen. Then before your eighteenth birthday you stop the smuggling. You told me that you had got introduced to the strip clubs while hanging out with the drug dealers you worked for. So getting plugged into the strip club scene was easy for you (plus you had all the qualifications) and you became a stripper from the age of nineteen to twenty-three. While you were working in the clubs, you got heavy into using cocaine. After getting caught up with the drugs you took to prosititution because you weren't able to or just didn't want to keep up with your routines at the strip clubs. Hearing your story filled me with such anger and sadness, that I just wanted to be your knight in shining armor. I remember thinking that if we were back in the dueling days, I would have called out all those that remotely caused you the slightest bit of pain or had a hand in tarnishing your reputation. There was no question in mind that for you to have endured all that you told me, took the strenght of a strong and remarkable woman, which there is no doubt in my mind that you are.

 

After hearing your story I figured it was time to lighten the mood, so I ordered a few more drinks. The more we drank the funnier our storied got. We traded storied about cartoons we watched while growing up, mutual people we knew and their crazy habits and some funny situations we both witnessed involving my sister Kim and my brother-in-law Irving. (your impersonation of my sister Kim was crazy and one of the funniest things I ever heard). I remember we went through a period of laughter that lasted well over an hour. There was a period of time when we couldn't even look at each other without busting into laughter. I laughed at you, you laughed at me and together we laughed at each other. To this day I can't remember a time when I laughed so much and so hard. To be honest with you I really can't really remember when I had more fun on a first date. As I reflect on that day I think of a  Richard Pryor joke "just keeping em laughing to keep their mine of the booty". Taking you to bed again was no longer my primary objective. (Don't get it twisted it was still an objective (smile)). I was content to just enjoy your company, which I did for the whole weekend.

 

Bouncing from hotel to hotel, cab rides and keeping our supply of goodies up turned out to be quite expensive. Looking back on it now, the happiness I experienced that weekend with you was worth its weight in gold. I would give anything to be able to go back in time to that day and just stay stuck there for a nice little moment. Friday and Saturday went by real smooth. There was no pressure on you from me for us to have sex. I figured if it was going to happen I wanted it to happen naturally. Before we knew it Sunday night was upon us. We were both lost in our own thoughts. I figured you were worried about having to go home and face your boyfriend. I was worried for you but you said you could handle it, but that still didn't stop me from worrying about you. I also wondered if we would ever have the opportunity to get together again. We shared a few pecks here and there while enjoying ourselves, but when you leaned over and kissed me and I felt your tongue slide into my mouth, I knew right then and there that it was about to go down.

 

When you grabbed my hand and lead me into the bathroom, my heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to burst. Once inside the bathroom, we began to undress each other and with each exposure of your naked flesh the throbbing between my legs increased and began to outpace my heart. I felt like a little kid with a big bag of candy, not knowing what to eat first. Our first shower together was like something out of one of those romance novels. The care and attention that we took towards washing each other was amazing. Having sex with you for the first time was one hell of an experience, one that I have yet to ever come close to duplicating, even after all this time. I guess you know why I nicknamed you the "BEAST"!!!!.

 

We made promises to each other to get together again soon, and I know that when we made them we really meant them. Unfortunately you had a boyfriend waiting for you and I had a prison cell waiting for me. I was and had been a criminal for quite some time. I enjoyed the fast money, fancy clothes and of course the fast women that came with that lifestyle. I was involved in a check cashing scheme that was very profitable until one of my workers got busted and decided to turn state's evidence on me. Looking back on it now, I just chalk it up as to being part of the game. If you live by the sword, sometimes you get cut or you eventually die by that sword. At least I was honest enough to tell you I had to go away for awhile. After meeting you and spending time with you, turning myself into the courts was real hard. All I asked of you was for you to take care of yourself, stay out of trouble and for you to stay in contact with my sister Kim. That way I would know how to find you whenever I returned. I wondered if I would ever see you again when we parted. I vowed that no matter what we would. I REGRET that I had to leave you.

 

 

This is how you were when we first met:

"ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES, BUT WITH A LOT OF POTENTIAL"

AND YOU STILL ARE AND YOU STILL DO.....

MY DOMINICAN QUEEN

I STILL LOVE YOU

&

MISS YOU VERY MUCH

YOU KNOW WHO

NEVER AS GOOD AS THE FIRST TIME---SADE