Chapter 5: Jake and Sarah

                Jake and Sarah were housemates. By housemates we mean shared a house. It should be made perfectly clear, that while it is true that they shared the rent, groceries, utilities and car, they have never shared anything more. This is to say that while they are completely and inexplicably tied to one another they are in no way shape or form what may be called an item. They are friends pure and simple. No romantic feelings here. Friends, just friends “Just friends Jake and Sarah” that’s what we call them. Just two best friends that happen to be of opposite sex. And who coincidentally (I know that look) have never been interested in dating (or anything else) each other. Not that it’s really any of your business. How Jake and Sarah became inseparable is a story in and of itself.

 

Were you to ask Jake he would probably ramble on at some length about insomnia and the evils of foreign movies and tell you that Sarah, in short had saved his life. Sarah on the other hand would simply say that Jake fell asleep on the couch and never really woke up. In a way both are accurate. But in the interest of time and unity of purpose I will relate the story my own way. This is to say the same way the rest of the story is presented only different.

 

                The important thing to realize about insomnia is like everything else it is based on math. In this case a fuzzy kind of math that can only be properly calculated when incessantly talking to yourself and drinking copious amounts of caffeine.  The first point is that the average adult tends to sleep 8 hours out of every 24 hour period which for sake of argument we will call a day. So assuming your average person is conscious when they are not sleeping your average person experiences 16 hours of consciousness a day. assuming the average person’s conscious day  is 16 hours (8-24=16) If a person has insomnia, meaning they do not sleep at all for 48 hours , that person will have experienced 3 days of consecutive consciousness. 48 Divided by 16 = 3. This means that a person who is not sleeping has to come up with activities to occupy their time while everyone else is sleeping. Some knit, some sew, and some re-tile their bathroom.  Jake wandered.  Not in the poetic or cool sense of the word but rather in the literal sense, meaning that he walked a lot (as in everywhere, and nowhere).

Though he did not walk far (as in across the country) he never really stopped walking (except for when he was sitting or standing still). So when you figure that the average person needs eight hours consecutive sleep for every 16 hours of consciousness. If a person does not sleep for 48 hours that person would need 24 hours of consecutive sleep to catch up. ((48/16) x8 =24) Using this formula, after not sleeping for eight days Jake was in a sorry state. He had experienced 192 hours of consecutive conciseness or roughly 12 consecutive days of consciousness. More importantly it meant that in order for Jake to catch up on his sleep he would need to sleep for 96 hours or 4 days. Considering most people die after 3 days without food or water and realizing that he would not, from past experience, be able to eat or drink while he slept Jake figured that were he to fall asleep he would probably die.

 

It was shortly after this summation that Jake became eternally connect (in a non romantic fashion) with and to Sarah. Though it was unintentional , Jake in attempting to watch a movie (The original Polish Sci-Fi classic 'Solaris') had fallen asleep. Sarah knowing of Jake's condition decided not to wake him. On the second day woke him up to give him a drink of water a sandwich and move him to the basement (because she was expecting company). On the third day Jake was awoken by a dream of horses (no doubt a polish influence) and upon realizing he was in a basement decided he would “live” there

 

                 

                This was never really discussed or worked out it just happened the way things often do when one becomes a “couch dude”.  Not that Sarah minded. The reason Sarah did not mind was for the simple fact that to Jake “living” somewhere simply meant stopping by to sleep, shower, and wash the last three sets of clothes he had purchase from a rummage sale once upon the week. So Once or twice a week Sarah would find Jake sleeping somewhere in her house upon which she would feed, water, and move him to the basement. This arrangement worked out quite well. That is until Jake woke up

 

                That is to say he finally caught upon his sleep. The interesting thing about insomnia is that it usually last as long as the deprivation of sleep. This means that once a person actually catches up on their sleep they tend to no longer have insomnia. Though this seems obvious enough, (like most things that seem obvious) the real life application of this was never fully considered. The real life application was this. Jake started sleeping .Which meant he started sleeping in Sarah’s basement, and since he slept every night. He slept in Sarah's basement every night which unfortunately meant, that as a result he was at Sarah's house every day. And while Sarah did not mind an occasional sleeping person showing up from time to time she did mind a frequently awake person all of the time.  After all it was one thing to feed a stray puppy now and again, but another thing entirely to buy a dog.  So some boundaries had to be made.  So Jake and Sarah one evening over a foreign movie (perhaps Amili) hammered out the arrangements. And so it came to be that Jake and Sarah became Housemates.

 

                It is shortly after this period of time that Sarah and Jake join our story. But before they do the author would like to note one peculiar of their relationship. Apart from being platonic (in the non-Greek sense of the word) friends, their relationship is and will always be based on that ofprofession. The specifics and or motivation behind this we do not speculate. Suffice it to say Sarah protects and Jake needs protecting. Codependent as it may be, Sarah's primary role is to prevent Jake from hurting, killing, or converting himself in any manner which may lead to his overall inability to finish writing a project. That is to say she is an Agent or what they call in her business a “handler” meaning she handles things. Specifically Jake’s Agent. This is to say regardless of the shenanigans, cults, hair, muscles or legs, he pulls, it is her job to make sure he finishes his work on time. This believe me is no easy task. For example, not too long ago back, while on a hitchhiking tour of British Columbia, Jake was picked up by a band of French Canadian nationals. Which upon filling Jake with good food and lousy wine had convinced him into joining their cause.

 Of course none of this was learned until much later. Somehow from Quebec, Jake had found his way into Mexico upon which while accidentally demonstrating with a guerrilla faction was arrested for public drunkenness, after foolishly ordering a diet coke, with ice. Sarah upon hearing the news immediately flew to Mexico in order to rescue Jake. She tried to explain that her friend was A) simply her friend B) a Canadian there for not really responsible for any political action and C) dying of dysentery.  But after several hours of repeating the only ten phrases in Spanish she knew, and being shown the bathroom and told all of the guards names, she finally gave up and broke Jake out of jail with a nail file, and smuggled him back across the border in an old Russian military weapons crate.               

 

                How Jake and Sarah came to join our story was this. One Morning Jake decided to make crepes, only to realize that they had run out of crepe mix. So he told Sarah he was going to the store to procure the supplies to break their fast and walked the two and a half blocks to the nearest grocery supply store only to find that they, being a local grocer did not carry foreign food, and thus did not have a special section for la cuisine  Quebecois. This was at approximately 8am. So Jake decides he would walk further, to the nearest local super-center, which claimed to provide all the needs for modern living on a budget. Surely, Jake thought, if modern life did not include crepes, what kind of life would that be, budget or no. the irony in all of this of course, is the fact that had Jake told Sarah what it was exactly he wished to buy she could have made the crepe mix, as she had done for the several months prior to this incident. He did not however tell her his plans, nor did he ask for assistance in transportation, for the simple fact that he had claimed responsibility of breakfast and intended procure and make breakfast completely on his own.

 

 As Jake walked his thoughts wondered and as happened to him all too often as his thoughts wandered his feet did as well. This to say Jake got lost. By lost we do not mean that Jake did not know where he was. Quiet to the contrary, Jake knew where he was. After all he was still in his home town (thank the stars). By lost we simply mean that Jake headed one direction and ended up in another. this is to say the other local super-center grocery market chain.

 

 

                At this point the noon sun had risen, and quiet sure that Sarah would be getting worried Jake decided that he should call her from a pay phone and explain that everything was alright. There was only one problem with this. The problem was that there was not a pay phone in sight. Apparently the city council in its infinite wisdom decided that pay phones were a public nuisance and eye sore and therefore had promptly removed them from ever large super-center, warehouse, run down lot, convenient store and guano covered bus stop. In fact to the best of Jake's recollection the only two places that still housed phones of the paying variety were the police station and airport. And since the airport was a much further walk, and in Jake's experience an altogether unpleasant place, Jake opted for the station of police. When Jake arrived he was much disappointed, there was not a pay phone in sight. So he went inside. While he had to admit that this station was much cleaner and more architecturally sound than the other police stations he had visited he found the overall ambiances were lacking (mostly because it lacked pimps prostitutes and pay phones). He also found that the overall attitude of the employees rather indifferent and found their overall customer service atrocious. Not one was able to point him in the direction of a cell phone, and none so it seemed knew what had happened to the ample supply of criminals which typical inhabit police stations of TV. Furthermore when he had asked politely to see their manager they simply laughed in his face when he was more direct they informed him that were he to stay they would have him arrested. Knowing how Sarah felt about him being arrested, and not wishing to trouble her with the sorry state of their local law enforcement he decided not to press the issue. So he left the station of police.

 

As he was leaving he noticed a woman placing a license plate on a car. He decided to see if she happened to have a cell phone. Here is the dialogue as it transpired. (According to Jake's tape recorder)

 

Jake: do you have a pay phone, or a phone I can pay you to use.

 

Woman: No

 

Jake: Oh

 

Woman: I am in a hurry

 

Jake: Can I follow you

 

Woman: Sure, but hurry

 

Jake: oh, I thought you drove that other car                

 

Woman: No, just get in.

 

Jake: I never rode in the front of one of these before

 

Woman: Me either

 

Jake: oh did you forget your key

 

Sound of engine starting

 

Woman: Doesn’t need one, now buckle up, and try not to touch anything.

 

Sound of driving

 

Jake: can you turn on the siren

 

Woman: Sure.

 

Sound of police siren

 

 

 

Woman: (in audible)

 

Jake: (in audible)

 

(Police siren turned off)

 

Engine stops

 

Jake: is this where you live?

 

Woman: No

 

Jake: oh, whose house is it?

 

Woman: Steve Monawski's

 

Jake: Who's he.

 

Woman: Store manager of the local super center, now shut up, and run.

 

(Muffled sounds of running)

 

Jake: (breathing hard) can we stop running now.

 

Woman: Sure.

 

Jake: what is your name?

 

Woman: Why, you a cop?

 

Jake: Not that I know of.

 

Woman: (laughing) Anne.

 

Jake: huh?

 

Woman: My name is Anne.

 

Jake: I find you very interesting.

 

Anne: thank you.

 

Jake: Can I stalk you?

 

Anne: Fine but no pictures.

 

Jake: Ok. How about tape recordings?

 

Anne: no.

 

End of Tape

Author's Note

Need help with punctuation. Grammar and style are intentional