Chapter 1: Leo

                  So this was it. This: a simple ending for a simple man. Not that life had been at all simple for Leopold. Life if anything had been rather obtuse. But of all the ways to die, for some reason, which was really no reason at all, this seemed to fit. This: a surprisingly small but conveniently shaped piece of meat, had inconveniently lodged itself in the back of his throat. He moved his hands over his throat. No one noticed. He tried a more obvious gesture. Still no one noticed. He tried turning blue. Still there was nothing. So at last, begrudgingly, because he knew the fuss it might cause, he threw himself dramatically on the floor and began to flail. Still no one moved. This was because no one was there to witness his display.

                  No one was there to witness it, because he was alone, as he usually was when he took a shower. And as he wiggled and twirled fruitlessly on the tile, breathing as it might his last breath, which he a had technically taken some moments ago, he realized with some embarrassment that  he was nude, and of all the ways in which he wanted to die  (with one or to fantastically unrealistic exceptions), none of them involved nudity. There was a knock on the door. Apparently the noise, in which he had made while muffled, had been enough to interrupt the neighbor’s evening activity. Leo was horrified; he realized that of all the ways he wanted to be rescued (with one or two fantastically unrealistic exceptions) none of them involved nudity.  So he flailed and wiggled with all his might toward his dirty clothes which, he had folded and placed neatly into the bathroom hamper.

               Having never actually attempted, the feat of getting dressed, while choking on a conveniently shaped piece of meat, he found this rather difficult. So at last he resigned himself to wrapping himself awkwardly in the shower curtain and pounding the door… at this point having exerted all his energy in attempting a decent knot that would hold in his shame, he finally succumbed to the darkness. This is to say he passed out.

 

                At this point I would like to tell you that he was saved by the brilliant co-ed who lived next door. Who having saved him from certain death took him into her apartment and invited her sorority sisters over, to cheer him up. But unfortunately for you, and Leopold, this is not that kind of story. The kind of story this is involves Leopold be miraculously  saved moments before death, by the brilliant coed who lived next door, who having a nasty and perpetual habit of doing the smart thing, promptly called 911. So instead of awaking to a group of beautiful, overly concerned, scantily clad women, Leo found this, this; a tube in his throat and his mother. Who while was over concerned was not nearly as cheering as the other scenario might have been.

               She was in fact so overly concerned that she insisted on staying with him the remainder of the day. After he was released from the hospital, he and his mother went to the store to purchase two sets of stationary. The first set Leopold purchased was a cream color with frills and border, the perfect stationary, his mother said, for a sincere and appropriately toned thank you note, which was to be hand delivered, to the lovely young lady who lived next door. The second set of stationary Leo purchased was steel blue with a sharp black and green border, for a stern and all around serious letter of complaint, to the manufacturer of the tuna, for the dangerous and wholly unnecessary presence of the conveniently shaped piece of meat in their product. Leo, having, with the assistance and editing of his mother, produced and properly delivered both letters. That night after his mother had left, Leo had an epiphany.

 

                Not that this surprised Leo, after all he did have a brush with death, and as was customary after all his near death experiences, he had an epiphany. This was not the first and would probably not be the last. After all he did place himself in these situations, didn’t he? Had he not stayed up the night before meticulously shaping and reshaping the piece of tuna until it was conveniently shaped, and then had he not strategically placed the conveniently shaped piece of meat back into the tuna pouch and shaken it until he could no longer find the conveniently shaped piece of meat. Of course there were probably easier ways to find out whether or not God existed. The problem was Leopold could not think of any of them. So as it were, he decided to have as many near death experiences as it took, to be sure.  This was not to say he was suicidal, actually quite the opposite. The reason he went on so fiercely was to find out how to live. To determine the purpose of his life that it may be more complete. To put it simply, he was dying to live.

 

                Unfortunately in all this there was a dilemma. Well three dilemmas actually. First there was the sticky issue of it being a near death experience rather than an actual death experience. Which while Leo had never actually experienced death; he wanted a few questions (mainly the questions which had caused him to seek near death experiences) answered before he did.

                This was all very tricky because one had to be sure to get near enough for an answer, but not so near that whatever answers you received did not matter. The second dilemma Leo had in all of this was, always having to come up with new ways of killing himself without it being counted as a suicide, or suicide attempt rather. This was because, after all, he was convinced that if god did in fact exist suicide would not be the kind of thing god would be keen on, which might make the interview process difficult. It had to be honestly “accidental”. The third and greatest dilemma Leo had in all this came in interpreting the results.

                His Atheist friends held the fact that he received no answer as irrefutable evidence that there was no God. While his Christian friends held the fact that he was always miraculously saved from the brink of death (usually by the brilliant co-ed) as irrefutable evidence that “God” not only existed, but was rather fond of Leo. While his agnostic friends simply held all the facts as refutable. Leo found this all very confusing, and was not sure what to make of any of it. This is to say he was back to where he started.

 

                Where he started was this. At a depressive early age Leo had developed an unhealthy obsession with reality. That is to say while most people in Leo’s position would simply call themselves agnostic and let the issue lay, Leo was completely uncomfortable with this solution. After all in reality something either existed, or it didn’t. It obviously couldn’t do both. Most things understood this, and therefore allowed you to prove or disprove their existence.  Only things like “god”, “heaven” and “souls” along with the majority of religion and philosophy, were silly enough to not allow themselves to be proven or dis proven, (except to people who seemed to already have their minds made up). This was simply not logical. When Leo attempted to point this out, most people simply said that it was based on perspective, and were simply relative based upon things like culture and temperament. This thought actually was worse for Leo because to Leo anything that considered Reality to be based on perspective or relativity was simply an assault on propriety. It just wasn’t right for things to go around in a state of limbo like that. He knew that there was a Truth, and he knew that any decent Truth was provable. Just like any lie was disprovable. The problem was he couldn’t seem to prove it either way. In short Leo had become obsessed with knowing and proving reality.

              

              At first this was easy enough; whenever he had a question all he would have to do is ask his mother or father and they would tell him what was real. This sufficed for a few years until he entered school. At school he learned that most of the things his parents had told him were false. There were no fairies of the morning, no Santa clause, no Easter bunny. He was crushed but at least he knew that school would educate him. At school he would learn the truth. He knew in short how everything worked. That is, until he went to college. At college he learned that most of what he learned in school was false. Columbus didn’t “discover” America.  The original thanksgiving had nothing to do with Indians (who in fact were not really from India at all), and that most major holidays were actually based on some pagan tradition. This upset Leo but at least now he knew the truth. He understood natural selection. He knew that ancient peoples had traveled across a land bridge to populate the Americas. He even learned a bit about physics and how the universe worked. At last he knew the truth. Then he took some upper division courses. The 400 level courses, And learned that most of what he was taught was false. He learned that natural selection or micro-evolution didn’t really explain the origin of anything. The land bridge theory had been widely discredited by 1980’s. By the time he had reached advanced physics and chaos theory he had decided to give up on education.

                So he turned to books, and every time he found a theory or truth he was certain of, he would inevitably find the book which disproved it. Always with the same result, He was back where he started. So he decided to turn the ultimate authority on everything. At least what he thought he knew to be the ultimate Authority: God.  After all if God didn’t know about reality, who would? The only trick was, one had to prove God existed in order to do the interview?

                So Leo took to dying.

Author's Note

Problems with punctuation. Grammar and style intentional