Wednesday, June 10th

Wednesday, June 10th

I know it's been a couple of days since I've written but I didn't want to spend any free time doing anything but creating memories with Abigail. Only I think I'd have been better off spending my free time writing sad poetry because I think the time spent with Abigail will only worsen our departure because it's going to mean so much more than it already meant. Besides, I didn't honestly know how I was going to be able to say goodbye to someone that I literally considered to be my whole world, the one good thing in my life and now, a person that I felt completely and totally involved with. 

Today was the morning of our last day before we set off for Jersey and the thought made me feel sick to my stomach. To make matters worse, I awoke to my mother singing joyfully in the shower and pulling the pillow over my head hadn't helped at all. However, the pillow was useless so I rolled out of bed and decided my best bet was to go downstairs and have my usual breakfast of Golden Grahams cereal and attempt to forget that today was literally dooms day. 

It wasn't long after I sat down with my bowl that my dad waltzes into the room, whistling. "Good morning pumpkin, sleep well?" The last time a person asked me this question, I hadn't slept well due to a state of confusion and this time I hadn't slept well because I was about to move thousands of miles away from the very person that turned the confusion into understanding. I know, you still don't thoroughly understand but I'm unsure if I'm ready to openly admit anything especially on paper which then become proof of something I wasn't sure I wanted others to know. 

I shrugged, unable to respond to my father. I wasn't sure if I had forgiven him yet for ruining my life. "Mind if I join you?" He didn't even allow for a response before he got his own bowl and sat down at the opposite end of the table. I looked up from my bowl and looked down at my father whom looked like he hadn't aged any since his early thirties even though he was nearing fifty. I assume it's due to the clean shaven look he was sporting because once he grows out his beard; he looks more mature, at least to me. My dad wasn't a bad guy even though him and mom had an awful relationship that they held on to for God's know what (probably my brother and I, as if we cared), however he and I didn't really talk a lot so the awkward silence filled the air around us. 

"Your mother and I will be heading out to get the U-Haul shortly; we want everything packed so that we can leave early tomorrow morning." There was a long pause because I wasn't sure if he wanted me to respond or if he just wanted to fill the empty space that hung between us. "So, what are your plans for your last night in Georgia?" I finished my last bit of cereal and put my spoon into my bowl. 

"I'm going to spend my last day and evening with Abigail, not sure what she has planned, honestly. She wanted it to be a surprise." That was as honest as I could be with my father because if I had the guts to tell him that I wanted to make love to my best friend, I highly doubt he could handle that kind of information. 

I sat waiting on the couch for Abigail to arrive which lead me to enduring Beth's cries all over again. It was as if she wanted to spend her last moments with my brother, miserable instead of actually enjoying their last moments together. I completely understand how she is feeling, (although if she knew my brother a little better, she'd probably feel a lot less upset over the whole ordeal) but does she really think wasting their last moments together in tears is the way to go? I wish she'd just stop whining long enough to appreciate the time that they do have. Or at least stop annoying me. That would be nice, to say the least. 

"I just can't imagine being so far away from him. I have spent the last five years attached to his hip. I don't know what I am going to do." She blew her nose into her tissue, attempting to seek comfort in little ole invisible me. I just absolutely love that you spend your entire life being invisible until those moments in life when you actually want to be invisible. The joys of my life. 

"Uh, yeah..."

"I am just going to miss...him...so-o m-much..." She laid her hand on my knee and patted it as if she were the one comforting me through her own pain and tears. She was an odd one, for sure. 

"Right." 

"Oh I am sure you understand because you have Abigail." She took her hand off my leg and stood up as Bryan entered back into the room. Next time he has to go use the restroom, he better drag his girlfriend along with him or it's possible that I may knock her upside the head. Luckily they were getting ready to go out. After they left I waited impatiently for Abigail's arrival, replaying Beth's last words over and over inside my head...

I had Abigail. Yes, I had Abigail and she was my very best friend and the only person on the entire planet that understood me. She had also spent the last couple of days unable to keep her lips off of mine. Her hands were no stranger either. I had spent the last couple of days exploring my confusion and having Abigail in a way that I never thought I'd have her. Hell, in a way that I never even considered having her and yet, it was the greatest moments of my entire existence. 

Before our first kiss, I recall longing to be in her presence but afterward, I felt so alive. 

"Your mom seems to have been getting things done rather quickly, huh?" I nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of her voice. I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't heard Abigail come into the room. 

"Did I scare you, T?" She giggled and walked over and before even asking if anyone else was home, she sat down next to me and leaned over and kissed me. My panic must have been more than internal because I jumped away and off the couch like my pants were on fire. Confusion appeared across Abigail's face and then hurt filled her eyes. 

"I-I can't do that here...." I trailed off because I thought she knew that what we did secretly the past few days in her bedroom wasn't something we could just go public with. 

"Is there something wrong with expressing how we feel around others?" 

"No but going from best friends to kissing in front of my family really isn't how I want to approach things but I don't want to talk about that here...can we go to the playground?" We had a neighborhood playground that hardly anyone ever used anymore, too many kids live indoors these days but Abigail and I always went, mostly for the swings. It's where we met and it's where we always went, it was our safe place and it was full of many, many memories. I wanted to spend our final hours together at the playground and to finally work out just exactly what was happening between us and where it'd lead us. 

Abigail's hurt didn't wash away but she nodded and followed me down to the playground anyway. I was unsure of why she was so hurt by my freak out but I knew that once we were alone that we could open up to one another; I knew there was a lot on my mind that I needed to get off my chest. Once the playground was in sight, we both ran straight for the swings, jumping on and pushing off. Feeling the cool breeze blow through my hair felt so great but it didn't shake my panic that I had upset Abigail. I slowed down my own swing and waited for Abigail to follow suit, when she did I turned to her and said, "I'm going to miss our walks down to the playground..."

"I don't know what I am going to do when you're gone." These were the last words that I'd expect to come from Abigail. I hadn't actually thought about how Abigail would feel, honestly. She's a social butterfly; she's beautiful, funny and exceptionally smart. I thought that she'd miss me, definitely but I didn't see her struggling with me out of the picture. 

"Obviously you'll finally be able to be a normal teenager without me here to drag you down. You'll go to parties, kiss boys and get yourself into some trouble." 

"Ha! You really don't know me at all, do you?" I rolled my eyes at her; I know that she had avoided all of the above because she didn't want to leave me alone, wallowing in my misery. "T, I didn't just not do those things because of you. I didn't do those things because I enjoyed being sober, laughing with my best friend and staying in and having a real person to connect with. All those others girls, they can be fun but none of them actually see me as a person to get to know and care about. They all just envy something about me but with you, you actually see me for who I am, not what I am." 

She smiled at my overly dramatic jaw drop. 

"Seriously though, I didn't want to go to those parties as much as you didn't. You just assumed I had ditched out on them because you weren't going. Had I have wanted to go, I would have wanted to go with you. I didn't want to be a normal teenager that kissed boys and got into trouble if I didn't have my sidekick to enjoy those moments with." 

"If you say so." 

"I do say so. However, you are right I will have to attend parties and get myself into some trouble while you're away because I can't just mope around in my room forever, can I?" She glanced over at me and this time I knew she was trying to get a reaction from me, an honest one. Abigail was literally trying to see just how much she meant to me, as if she feared that I hadn't been honest about these last couple of days. The hurt reaction was her fear of me running from us. 

"I'm going to mope every day for the rest of my life..." I paused and got up off the swing and stepped over to her, grabbing her hand and pulling her up to face me. "I have never in my life felt so connected to another person, you are my world. I always knew that I loved you Abigail, I just didn't realize how deeply until our lips touched. I don't know how I'm going to exist knowing that what we have can't be experienced because we are being ripped apart." 

"T..."

"I am sorry for my panic at the house but telling my parents...that's not something I am capable of doing right now, if ever and if I do, I'd want to talk to them about it first. I just can't make any promises to you because I couldn't break a promise that I've made to you." 

Abigail didn't respond with words, she responded by pulling me in and kissing me. A shot of fear swept through me then I felt Abigail’s hand caress the back of my neck as her body pushed up against mine and a new sensation overtook me. I couldn't explain how incredible I felt emotionally when kissing Abigail and I wondered, would I feel the same way if I ever kissed a boy? As much as I loved Abigail and as amazing as her lips felt against mine, no matter what I desired I still feared what it meant to actually be gay. I wasn't sure that I was capable of handling that and I never picture myself admitting to anyone, not family (or friends, if I ever had any) and I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing to feel. 

She let me go from her long lip embrace and smiled at me, "I understand, just don't hide yourself only to satisfy others." I had a feeling that these words would haunt me for the rest of my life. 

Abigail and I spent the rest of the day reminiscing, laughing and enjoying our last moments together, as if it were just any other ordinary day. I think we ate every bite of junk food left in the house because mom said she had no interest in packing food to bring along with us. It had us hyped up and crazed until only moments ago when Abigail passed out from too much sugar and laughter, a deadly concoction. I laid next to her for a while, watching her sleep before getting up to come over to my desk and write out my feelings without worrying about another's reactions to my own thoughts. 

Before she had fallen asleep I had told her that I had loved her very much, that she completed me because more than anything, she did just that. But it left me wide awake and flooded with emotions and thoughts that seemed both uncontrollable and confusing. My entire life I was told that it was wrong to love someone that was the same sex, regardless of the homosexual community’s argument about being born gay. I never took the time to truly listen to either argument because none of it mattered to me, not then anyway. I never suspected that I was gay or that the love that Abigail and I shared between one another would blossom into romance. I mean, I'm only sixteen years old, what do I know? Clearly I know more than my own parents but my lack of experience in the subject is a red flag to others, no one would come to me for advice on love because everyone knew that I was that anti-social reject that didn't even know how to kiss (or at least, they think!). 

Then there is the whole god factor, not that I ever worried about that before because I never really took the time out of my life to wonder if he was real or not. I didn't have enough courage to have faith in something that could have been another fictional story created by another human being. Besides, I wasn't raised in the church and barely knew anything about god or his so called rules and the sinful nature of the human. My parents only ever took us to church when they felt they needed to pose us for the picture perfect family that we weren't. But even so, I wasn't so sure that my parents would approve because I know how other religious fanatics act and my parents like putting on a show for the rest of the world. I doubt that they'd want me ruining that for them by being their lesbian daughter. 

I think I hear Abigail groaning in her sleep, I don't want her to wake and feel me gone from her side. I guess I won't be able to work out these feelings tonight, maybe not ever. I guess I will just need to enjoy the moments that I have left and worry about the rest later. After all, snuggling Abigail sounds a lot better than stressing over something that I cannot control, only fear. And kissing her sounds more fun than fearing the thoughts of others. 

Reviews

[Margarette]

This is a very dedicated and touching story of two lovers who can't possibly hurt each other, more or less, in public. The other being afraid, the other lacking support to the former's thoughts. Moreover, despite the awkwardness of the situation, I will look forward to knowing what will become of the two. This is a wonderful chapter.

[Coyote Poetry]

A sad chapter. Never good to say goodbye. I like her thoughts. She is thinking with a honest brain. The day will be hard for a while. Thank you for a excellent chapter.
Coyote

[trainwreck]

Great developments here! Abigail is taking over the story, in a good way. She is the most interesting character. Emotionally, she seems to be driving the story. I like the other characters you've introduced. Did her parents notice she was crying?