The Quest For The Golden Pearl

A young boy must make his way through the pages of magical book to save his father from dying.

The Quest for the Golden Pearl

 

This story begins with a young boy no older than eight years old named Tyler Hilcom. Tyler was in bed one night having trouble going to sleep due to his father’s condition. Now Tyler’s Father was a good man that loved his family and friend but unfortunately he was suffering from a Cancer known as Leukemia. Tyler’s dad had to make frequent visit to the hospital to get blood transfusions in order to stay alive. Tyler grew concern about his father’s condition and wanted to get rid of it anyway possible, but what could do?   When his father walked in and asked if he would like for him to read him a story before he went to bed, Tyler then answered excitedly with yes.  So his father went to the bookshelf and picked up a title full of adventure and Fantasy.  it was called “The Quest for the Golden Pearl”.  His father grabbed the book and sat down next to him and started to read:  Once upon a time a great king and queen ruled a magical land called Zelamix. Zelamix was a beautiful land full of happy people who loved there king and queen and the king and queen loved there people. The land was full of trees, mountains and deserts.  But there was one person who didn’t like anything about the world that he lived in and his name was Munsin. Munsin lived in a giant castle at the end of the woods, where nobody went and nobody dare go. See Munsin spent his time creating different kinds of animals with his laboratory in the highest part of his castle and as he created these animals sometimes he would mix breed them and the result would be terrible looking monsters.  But wait dad why does Munsin hate his world Tyler asked? I’m not sure son well just has to read on and find out. Before his father could read on he started to get distant and then he passed out and fell to the floor. Tyler’s mother quickly ran into the room to find her husband on the ground cold and as pale skin as snow so she quickly ran down and called an ambulance. The ambulance arrived fifteen minutes later and rushed Tyler’s dad to the hospital, his mother got back on the phone and called her sister to watch over Tyler till the morning. As his mother was on the phone Tyler was still in bed shaking from the situation with his father.  As he was sitting there he notice a bright yellow light coming from the book his father was reading him. So Tyler opened the book and before he could do anything, he was flying in between page. Suddenly he came to a halt as he landed on his butt in a barn.  When he got up and brushed off his bum full of hay and dirt he suddenly  encountered a young  girl standing by a pile of horse poop not more than ten feet away. This girl looked like the same age as Tyler. She had beautiful green eyes with really scaly skin and flakes of skin peeling off. It looked as if she was as tall as him as well. Hi the girl said my name is Cheryl, wow luckily you didn’t land in there that was close.  Ha-ha ya I would have been one smelly boy and I would have to go stay with the pigs. He he what’s you name said Cheryl. My name is Tyler Fairbanks: where in heaven’s gate am I. You are in the land of Zelamix said Cheryl.  Zelamix the land with grassy greens and desert plains? Ya that’s the one Cheryl replied. How can this be I was just in my bed and then I picked up a book and went flying through some crazy dimension and then I landed here. Wow that’s a crazy story Cheryl said, I was just doing daily cores when all of a sudden you came crashing down trough are barn and landed on this pile of hay and dirt. But Cheryl how can this be one are not real you’re a fairy tale character I said. A fairytale character I don’t know what you’re taking about I’m real and the grass is real, if I was a fairytale character do you think I would look like this she said in a very mad voice and with her hands on her hips. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend I just don’t understand this world very well. It’s ok Tyler I understand I wouldn’t understand your world either.  Cheryl if I may ask why is your skin all flaky and dry? I have a condition called gator skin; my skin dries out really quickly and then gets all crackly so I end up looking like an alligator. Really cause back in my world there is a flesh eating disease that’s called necrotizing fasiicitis. It basically eats away the tissue and muscle of your body until you die. Wow I had no idea things were so much serious in your world Tyler. I have been having alot of pains lately. I think you have it Cheryl we need to find the golden pearl fast. She told me of an old man that lived not far from her farm. Apparently he wasn’t fond of visitors because she told me he shoos everybody away. Well Cheryl I think we should talk to you parents and she if they know anything about this old man and where exactly he lives.  Cheryl  and I then ran into her family’s farm house she was yelling for her father and mother. Daaaad maam, yes Cheryl what is it as a big burly over weight man with white hair and a matching mustache, not long after that a older lady with brown and spots of white hair followed him the man. She was smaller than the man but still strong for her age came running  from down the stairs and who is this boy wearing funny clothes they both said.  O sorry father and mother this is Tyler Fairbanks he just arrived out of no ware and came crashing trough the barn into a pile of hay, only a few steps away from a pile of horse poop it was pretty funny dad Cheryl said. Well son my name is Roy Ditters and this is my beautiful wife Luella Ditters. Now tell me son how in the world did you end up hear and what are you intension with my daughter Roy said in a stern voice.  Well sir I was in bed listening to my father read a book when suddenly my father colapis onto the floor and has to get rushed to a hospital, and while my dad was being rushed to the hospital my mother was calling people to watch me. When I saw a yellow glow coming from the book my father was reading and when I opened it up I flew through a weird dimension and then crashed trough your barn and landed in the pile of hay only few feet away from Cheryl. As for intension sir I only just met your daughter and haven’t devolped feeling yet but I do enjoy talking to her sir I said back. Roy gave me a serious stare and then walked up me. As he approached me I was starting to get scared and began to shake alittle, finally he was right next to me still a serious stare in his eyes when all of a studden he hugged me and let out a big laugh hahaha relaxed Tyler im just messing with you, your far too young to begin thinking about feeling and stuff as for your story I feel very moved by it and want to help you get back to your father son. But I do have one question what is a hospital? He said finally in a calm voice after making me almost peeing my pants. Well sir a hospital is a place where people go to get health issues looked at and to get fixed but most of the time you have to wait for hours just to see a phyision. I replied back.  When Tyler those things sound better than what we have here we have been trying to figure out what kind of demon is inside our daughter and why has he cured her with this appearance when she deserves so much more. I am sorry sir , I will do what ever I can to help Cheryl out. Thank you son I really apprecheate that, now what kind of information did you need?  Well dad we were wonder if you know where the old man that shoos everybody away lives and how to get there?  Cheryl asked  Why yes I do Cheryl his name is Gertos Tree Fond and he lives in the woods not far from here I say head south from our farm. Make sure you go in the morning cause the woods are not save during the day luckily for you Gertos doesn’t live derectly in the woods he lives on the edge just before the enterance. I will take Tyler tomorrow morning if you help out with some chores seeing it only to be fair. That’s ok Mr. Ditters I would be honered to help you, I said. After talking for about thirty minutes I was feeling tired and Mr. and Mrs Ditters were kind enough to offer me a bed for the night. I selt for what seemed like three hours cause I was suddenly woking up and rushed out the door the next day, just barely awake and now outside trying not to fall down from not being awake. When Mr. Ditters said its time for chores son we like to wake up early to get htem out of the way so we can get you off on your way early. Ahahah what time is it I said in a very sleepy tone voice. The time is four thirty in the morning and we have a lot of stuff to do so enough chit chat lets get to work. He said in a spunky and energetic tone.  OK let begin with a simple task of feeding the horses go over to the barn and go get about five hand fulls of hay and drop it into the big circle in the ground by them, then I need you to go fill the troff with fresh water. After fifteen minutes later I came back now what should I do now sir I asked? Well now I need you to go water our flowers Luella back isn’t the greatest now days and has trouble watering are garden and plants so if you could do that, that would be splendid. Once again I ran back over to the well and filled some pales up with freash water and then went over to one plant at a time a began to water it. More time went by I ended up watering thirty seven plants and each plant to about ten minutes to water and about twenty pales of water to do the job. So after a half and hour of hard work my chores weren’t over yet. I was then instructed to go and milk the cows, of course I had no idea how to do that so Mr. Ditters had to show me how to do it. Once I got the handle of things I was becoming a milking champ and it was a lot easier than I thought I grabbed one of the teets and then another and then went back en forth up and down until my little pale was full of milk. Once full I had to then give him the pale and move onto the next cow apparently Mr. Ditters had aleast fifty cows that all needed to be milked.  I was starting to think I would never be able to get out of these chores and get to Gesto. I really need to get to him and find out what he knows of the golden pearl and if he knows where to find it.

TJC

Author's Note

This is a ruff draft, but will become a novel later down the road.

Reviews

[Jane P.]

I have a bit of an issue with your structure. You need to break it up into more paragraphs. Looking at a huge chunk of writing like this can be a little discerning. It obstructs all sense of pace and flow. While super short sentences can also be annoying and fragmented, I still feel this needs to be broken down in a few paragraphs. Essentially a p'graph should really be no more than four sentences.

A few grammatical things:
- "good man that loved his family and friend" Probably should be changed to "good man who" and friends should be pluralised.
- There should always be a comma before the word 'but' when it is used in the middle of a sentence.
- "frequent visit to the hospital" Visit needs to be pluralised.
- Uh, I'm not entirely sure why, but you have hyperlinked text within your story linking to advertisements.
- "concern about" Needs to be 'concerned'
- "get rid of it" Try to avoid referring to the disease as 'it'. Cancer, illness, etc. would all be appropriate.
- "anyway possible" Anyway should be "any way"
- "but what could do?" What could 'he' do?
- "full of adventure and Fantasy" If you are going to capitalise fantasy as a genre, you must do the same to adventure.
- "sat down next to him and started to read: Once upon a time a gre..." This would be a great place to break up the paragraph. Start a new p'graph for the story and make sure, if the father is reading the story, that you use inverted commas.
- "there king and queen" there needs to be changed to 'their'. Also, King and Queen should usually be capitalised.
- 'But' is a coordinating conjunction as has no place at the beginning of a sentence. However, 'however' is highly appropriate (with a comma after its use).
- "where nobody went and nobody dare go" You have semi-switched tenses, 'dare' needs to become 'dared'
- "See Munsin spent" Probably needs to start with, "You see, Munsin spent..." (just to sound more structurally sound).
- "with his laboratory" needs to be 'within'
- "mix breed them" Either needs to be 'mix-breed' or 'mix their breeds'
- "But wait dad why does Munsin hate his world Tyler asked? " Definitely needs a line break for dialogue. Dialogue should be stand alone sentences, otherwise it gets waaaay too confusing. ""But wait dad, why does Munsin hate his world," Tyler asked? " I've also added inverted commas (quotation marks), because this denotes dialogue and keeps your reader informed.
- "I’m not sure son well just has to read on and find out." This should be another stand alone sentence and free from any form of paragraph. Quotation marks are also needed. "well" needs to become "we'll", "has'' needs to be "have"
- "cold and as pale skin as snow" should be "skin as pale as snow" Also, this is a little clique. Try to think up some original and creative similes.
- "till" is too informal, this should be 'until'
- " notice a bright " should be 'noticed'
- "reading him" should be 'reading to him'

Okay so that's only, like, half of your story corrected. I would really suggest proof reading your work more (at least before uploading). I haven't quite finished reading your story, I will get there, only because the lack of structure is really confusing. This makes the pace slow and disjointed. I'm re-reading sentences with dialogue, only because you're not using quotation marks. I get that this is a rough draft, but you still need to make it easier to read. Otherwise, a very intriguing story line! I would love to see this as a polished work and if you do choose to make this into a novel, please let me know! I think the content is good and you have some real potential here.

Sorry to harp on about grammar, I like your story and I would just like to see it a little easier to read! I hope some of these points help you in your future writing. Well done!
:)

[carlson450]

thank you I will change some things