Who am i?

this is the first work i've done in a long while,i tried to apply the advice my very talented newfound friend here in writerscafe gave me so this method is new and i'm not sure about how good it is

I'm lost,

everywhere I look,pitch black,

my screams have no sound,

but I hear silence so loud,

 

I'm lost and alone,

in a crowded room,

in a crowded world,

 

I'm a footprint on the beach sand,

waiting for the tide to rise,

 

I lost my voice as I screamed for silence,

but now that silence is screaming at me,

 

I found a stranger when I looked at the mirror.....

Reviews

[Chris]

I found this one to be exceptionally relateable and appreciated your thought-flow.

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Nestor

After your kindly reviewing me. I found it time to return the compliment.

Apologies in advance if any are needed, as I tend to review long.

You as the writer deserve a well considered reaction from the reader in critique.

So I shall give you mine.

Structure: If there is a formal name to this construction I do not know how it may be defined.

But then I am never much into definitions unless a writer is deliberately seeking to use a well known structure.

What I like about this is the way it diminishes. By that I mean a 4 line stanza, followed by 3 then two 2s and finishing with 1 liner.

Thereby it feels to me as if your are focussing more and more into the last line of your piece which summarises it briefly and makes its final point:

'I found a stranger when I looked at the mirror.....'

Rhymes: None. There needn't be.

Rhythm: Yes there is a definite beat.

Allusions and favourite lines:

This one struck me the most.

'I'm a footprint on the beach sand,
waiting for the tide to rise,'

The notion of being lost emphasised by leaving no mark as if you do not even exist.

Meaning / emotion / philosophy:

You start clearly with a title which assumes that you do not know who you are:

'Who am I?'

I relate to that sentiment.

I feel through all the 53 years of my life, I have been better able to understand others more than I have ever been able to define myself.

More. This is all the notion of self-perception wrapped up in the words:

'There is the person you think you are. There is the person others think you are. And there is the person you really are'.

As little to nothing resides outside perception, then the only person who could possibly know who we really are can be a creator. But failing that, no-one can or ever will know who we really are.

I really do like the way you keep on inverting sound and silence at the beginning and end - something which makes a noise makes no noise and something which makes a noise has none:

First:

'my screams have no sound,
but I hear silence so loud,'

Second:

'I lost my voice as I screamed for silence,
but now that silence is screaming at me,'

Further, there is much to be said for your lines where you redefine lost as lost and alone.

Perhaps it is the middle lines which in my own personal experience have the most resonance for me:

'I'm lost and alone,
in a crowded room,
in a crowded world,'

I have felt this so often over my life.

The way I view your words in statements of my own:

* To understand how alone you really are, we may at times need to see how less alone others are. Contrast.To see others living lives around us which are full emphasises our own sense on non-existence.

* To the extent that you see apparent meaning in the smiling crowds around you, it only serves to make you feel an unaffected outsider looking in as if in an out of body experience.

* My personal experience of this feeling?

1) Working out of Marseille, Brussels and Paris, my first wife and I had a place in London. Then she broke our relationship and I found myself barred from my own home by mutual consent. I commuted weekly between the UK and Europe and stayed in hotels or Bed and Breakfast in between.

But whilst away, the sense of bereavement and loss was intense. I was totally lost, lonely and isolated. My life had somehow become meaningless. I would sit in cafes at times alone at a table and watch others smile and laugh around me, when my heart was as cold as stone.

2) More recently after having suffered from agoraphobia for I while, I went out with my then partner to the seaside. But in so doing I felt dislocated from the people around me. They laughed and smiled too. I cried. It seemed to me something that I had had once but no longer owned.

As I say your final line says it all:

'I found a stranger when I looked at the mirror.....'

In our solitude we lose all sense of identity.

A short but sweet melancholic poem with much philosophy of life lying behind.

I found your poem well written

Hope this helps

Your friend

James Hanna-Magill

[unsavable_soul]

Yes and no,
I like some of the ideas this brings to mind such as stranger in the mirror. This is always a striking thought I feel. And the reference to silence being loud is again a strong conveyance of powerful ideas. I just felt the ideas within each paragraph or stanza (not sure, I'm not good at this) felt very detached from each other in their mental imagery. I like this quite a bit, I just personally think the conveyances or allusions might need more cohesion. I mean this in all good hope of helping in some way, let me know if I fail or overstep myself here. It's all personal thoughts.
I like this and appreciate the concept and ideas with in.
Sincerely
Christopher

[Nestor Gonzalez]

nah don't worry about it honesty is good i would only get bugged with negative criticism without anything constructive input,your comment wasn't at all negative simply honest and purely constructive and i appreciate it,one put himself in a pedestal and react violently to someone trying to help you never know what great advice you might turn a deaf ear to,i get what you mean and i'll edit in hopes of it connecting better,just one more question how about the "format" itself
normally i write in a pure ryhme and this one was an attempt at free form so i'm curious about the method itself as well sorry if i'm asking too much i would just value your opinion so i can't better myself,and don't worrry i don't know anything about poetry stanzas/iambic/meters/foot and all that stuff hahaha

[unsavable_soul]

Format was fine,
I like rhyme scheme myself as well, I feel quite uncomfortable playing outside it and often can't totally. But in pieces like this I tend to try to achieve one goal in my lines and that is my direct conveyance in the most interesting or creative way to describe one idea. I often stray far from said goal however. I think it is trial and error. I agree totally with what you said about not turning a deaf ear, I myself feel I may be guilty of the very thing once at least and in great error to myself. I failed to see constructive criticism from a good source due to it's conveyance rather than trying to talk it out. I have considered approaching this mistake but find it hard. While I didn't react violently I did fail to talk it out. I was new and failed to understand things properly. Good luck with any editing you decide upon, as I said great ideas so you already beat the bigger problem.
Sincerely
Chris

[Nestor Gonzalez]

it's understandable the work one makes is something that you feel attached to and put effort into it's not easy to take criticism towards something you feel a bond to or is in a form an extension of oneself you just have to look beyond that and hear what is being said because perhaps the person's words might have something to them,this happens to me with the music i write with my band my drummer will be like "idk i'm not feeling this you could do "x" and i'll get super offended and he does the same likewise haha we live,we make mistakes,we learn and we grow :],i appreciate your kinds words

[unsavable_soul]

No problem,
I always try to keep it pretty honest. I look forward to more reads.
Chris