12.9.21

I have fallen into a hole 

That I have stared at for years. 

It has been taunting me-

Whispering to me. 

Calling for me to come near 

and advising me to leave. 

You are a poison labeled 

“Do not eat”, yet I 

savor you all the same. 

At least, I say that. 

I say you are poison. 

I say that love is a disease and 

That is why I hurt so much

Whenever I use my heart,

But that is not the truth. 

I know it is not the truth. 

I try to convince myself that 

Heartache is normal, or even

That what I am feeling is heartbreak,

But it is not. It is not. 

It is hard to admit that the reason I hurt

When I use my feelings instead of my thoughts,

Is because I am not built to love,

And I am not meant to be loved. 

I try to mold myself into something I am not,

I try to dig out room in this carcass for emotions,

I try to stuff affection into my cold, dead hands. 

It does not work. 

What kind of shallow intimacy can I 

Even attempt to give another? 

I am not really giving anyone warmth, though. 

I am trying to warn people I cannot love,

By blaming it on past failures of the heart,

But I cannot blame it on anyone but me. 

I am the reason i get sick when we are close,

I am the reason people leave me, people hate me,

I am the reason i am this way. 

I am not quite sure if it is because I am 

afraid of love, or closeness, or vulnerability,

But every time I start to feel warm inside,

I throw myself back out into a blizzard. 

I willingly let myself freeze in order for it to stop,

I run away, because I refuse to have a home. 

I guess this is also the reason I end up 

Hurting and damaging myself so much. 

I cannot love others, will not let myself,

But I also never truly love myself. 

It is hard to love something so hell bent 

On self-sabotage and losing the game. 

It is like my heart is trying so hard to love,

Is so close to succeeding,

And my body believes it is at war 

and must kamikaze for the greater good. 

I am tired of this. I truly am. 

I look at you and my desire is to be close,

Yet my self-awareness of 

my own demise keeps me away. 

Eventually I’ll try again, try and love you,

Try and let my heart beat rather than buzz,

But alas, it will not end well. It never does. 

Do I continue to daydream about us,

Never letting it become a possibility?

Or do I let myself love you- 

And let my love destroy us in the process?

Is it better to lose you out of selflessness 

Or out of selfishness? 

Either way, I am doomed to lose you. 

The story always ends the same.