Dependency

A personal thing that I felt the need to write down after reading Junot Diaz's The Cheater's Guide to Love.

Saturdays usually brought about the sounds of welding and neighborly chit chat in my grandparents' home. But this particular Saturday was different: the whole household was bustling with so much movement. Today was an amalgamation of four parties: the birthdays of my grandfather, brother, and cousin; and my grandfather's retirement party. 

Great. Another family gathering.

It was unusual to see my grandfather at home on a Saturday. Back in my university days, he would always get up at 5 AM, and by 6, he would go off to his office. What he does there on Saturdays will always be a mystery to me, since government offices only run from Mondays to Fridays.

My mom was appalled by the idea of me going off on this Saturday. Where do you have to be that you have to set off today, she asked. I had s**t to do, and deadlines to meet, but I made sure to voice it out properly. The last thing I wanted was to argue with her, again.

Grandfather asks me where I was headed to. He then goes off to call my cousin to drive me to my meeting. No need, I said. I can go off on my own. I don't need anybody. Didn't you teach me never to depend on anyone? But in the end, I found myself being driven by my cousin, three years younger than me, to my meeting.

So then, who can I depend on, grandpa?

--

I earned a scholarship from my dad's company that I could use to pay for my tuition in university. But as luck put it, my first semester in university was a mess - my grades were average, and I had a hard time adjusting. I lost that scholarship, and I cried when the HR department informed me that they were removing my scholarship. How were we going to pay for my tuition? I had younger siblings both going to private school.

I told my grandpa about it, and he told me he'd help me out. He then told me the words that would probably haunt me in the next four years:

"Don't ever depend on anyone. But me."

And unconsciously, I did. For two years, he would pick me up for the weekend, and take me back to my dorm. I would stay at their place, and he would give me some money for allowance and to buy groceries. Even when I moved in with them on my third year upon the completion of the duplex in our house, he would still do the same. Grandparents are probably the people who would spoil you rotten since you are their grandchild. While I hate to admit it, I am a terribly spoiled grandchild, moreso by being the eldest grandchild.

My fourth year came, and my mom kept reminding me that grandpa was retiring and I shouldn't depend on him. I told myself that I don't, that they came to me and gave me things on their own free will, and that I don't refuse it. But was it really because I was being considerate?

But at the back of my mind, I kept accepting money like I was being bribed because I knew a secret that they thought they could keep to themselves, but didn't: my grandpa has been cheating. And I've known this since I was 15, since that faithful day when my grandpa asked me to text something for him while he drove. When I finished texting, I discreetly went over his texts and found a woman's name, with texts like 'I love you' and all. I didn't dare say anything to anyone, but I remember waking up at midnight, and going to the bathroom to cry. 

The age of 15 is crucial for the development of teenagers, and how they respond to people around them. Fifteen was also a shaky time for me - all those teenage hormones blasting, getting angry at everyone, feeling like the people you thought you trusted betrayed you. 

I stopped trusting men in general after that - my dad, my grandfathers, my brothers, my cousins, and friends. I tried to still be friends and be nice to them, sure, but there was this anger and seething inside that told me to never trust the opposite sex.

So, should I really depend on you, grandpa? Breaking a 15-year-old's trust is possibly one of the most dangerous things you can do to her.

--

Weeks have past since the party. Thankfully, I had to go to another party that I already promised to go to, and came back home shunning everyone else as I usually do. These days, I still do the same thing too.

One Sunday dinner, as I was finishing my meal, my grandpa suddenly sounded up and said, "You should come up with me and your grandma; let's go do some walking."

And the person who I already lost trust to, the person who I thought was at least not going to judge me because of my appearance, has done what I have dreaded.

Trying to stop the tears, I stood up and took my plate. "I have something to do," I tell him, to which he responds with a 'tsk'. I deposited the dishes to the sink, and briskly walked back to my room, shunning everyone again.

From that moment, I've learned to stop depending on anyone for emotional support. 

Days after that, whenever I'd head to the kitchen for breakfast, my grandpa would always ask in a demanding voice, "Have you eaten?" which thoroughly confused me. What the hell does he want me to do, exactly?

I opted to have a heavy breakfast, skipping lunch to avoid everyone, and coming out for dinner again, all because of what my grandfather said.

And to add salt to injury, I found a packet of condoms in grandpa's pants pocket while searching for some loose change. It's as if how I currently view my grandpa couldn't get any worse.

Why is it the people whom we thought we can depend on fail us?