Skipping Desert

Complications arise during a break-up dinner . . .

     Funny, but what I remember the most about my last conversation with Diana was that she hadn't let me finish my dessert.  I guess that should have been a sign of my indifference toward her - something I failed to recognize at the time.

     The men who burst into the restaurant were wearing Schwarzenegger masks and chef's hats.  As much as I should have been focused on their shotguns, all I could think was "I didn't know Arnold could cook!"

     Diana screamed and I shooshed her as a knee-jerk response.  I suppose I'd probably done that a time or two before - only this time it evidently wasn't fast enough.  One of the Schwarzeneggers came over to our table and glared at me.

     "Y'all better shut the f**k up," he growled, and I had the presence of mind to not tell him she was the screamer, not me.

     This had been our breakup dinner.  I knew it was coming, but while I was busy in my head with avoiding doing it, Diane had started in just after we finished the main course.

     "I'm just not getting what I need from this relationship," she stammered, and in my stupidness, I began arguing with her, telling her how that wasn't so.  She told me I wasn't considerate of her need for romance.  I told her here we were at a romantic dinner.  She told me she wanted to be more social and see her friends.  I told her to make the plans and I'd be there.  She told me she started seeing someone else.  I stopped short of telling her about my internet attraction and just stared at her, wishing I hadn't ordered the olallieberry pie.

     The shorter Schwarzenegger yelled for everyone to lie down and this would be over in a minute.  But when I tried to stand up, the closer Schwarzenegger put his hand on my chest and pushed me back down.

     "On the floor," Shorty yelled again, but the close one just sneered at me, then grabbed Diana by the arm and pulled her to her feet.

     "The f**k you doing?" yelled Shorty.

     "This's her," said Schwarzenegger Two.

     "Who?"

     "The chick I'm seeing."

     "You shitting me?"

     Diane peered through the mask.  "Ed?"

     "Shh, honey."

     I looked around the room.  Over sixty other patrons were listening in.

     "You plan this?" asked Shorty.

     "Nah, dumb luck.  Hey babe," he said, touching Diana's cheek.

     Diana stared into his eyes, then grabbed his mask, pulled it up over his mouth and they kissed.

     I felt like a schmuck.  My internet gal worked at an accounting firm or a Taco Bell or something.  Hers was evidently a career criminal.  I'll have to have a better selection process next time.

     "Excuse me" I said, but I was ignored completely as Diana and "Ed" Schwarzenegger played kissy face and Shorty scooped up all the loot from the cash register.

     As loudly as they entered, the Schwarzeneggers then moved toward the door, waving their shotguns at the crowd, and disappeared through the door, along with Diana, the woman I thought I knew.

     With the sound of muted crying all around me, I picked up my napkin, wiped my mouth and motioned to the waiter, who was still lying on the floor looking white as a ghost.

     "Check please!"

Reviews

[Charmiane]

This was really good. I wish I had the ability to think outside the box like this.
It's a perfect way of telling the story of a relationship that was over, but demonstrating just how indifferent the guy is in a whole 'nother way.

Kudos on a creative, funny, well written short story!

[Sarah K Dansie]

Gee Greg, I wish a gun toting robber had saved me from my last breakup dinner. Enjoyed this, very funny.