Oct. 20 something Part 1

  Some time has passed....

       I'm not too sure what day it is or the time but the sun is out.  I'm not sure what to feel.  Like a washing machine of rage, sadness, anger, guilt, relief, trying to get clean, while spinning and cycling, swooshing and smashing, and drowning.  News of Patrick relayed through tears from Pauline and George.  He was sent to a morgue downtown somewhere.  Suicide is always first treated like a homicide.  He's alone.  His body is being examined.  They tried to take his corneas despite the fact he is not a donor.  Word came back that they could not use them because we , as a family, were over seas for a time while mad cows were terrorizing America.  The 90's were a great time.  Patrick has no sight.

   

      Some time between crying and fits of screaming in the fallout of chaos, Jackie has managed to tell me what happen in the moments before insanity.  Patrick stayed with her from time to time because of routine fights with his boyfriend.  He was awake that morning and smiling and they talked briefly before she left for work as they did almost everyday.  George is suppose to pick up Patrick that day, so he can drop off job applications.

       Jackie came home for lunch Oct. 18th.  The front door was unlocked and she explained she never leaves her apartment unlocked.  She calls Patrick. Nothing but silence.  She goes to her bedroom and something, she says, tells her to check closet.  She opens the closet door and among the clutter of clothes and shoes, Patrick is hanging by his neck from the closet hanger bar.  She describes Patrick in a way that a child would.  Jackie sees Patrick folded on himself because the bar was only four feet from the ground.  His legs bent and his knees hanging just above the carpet floor of the closet.  His eyes closed and his tongue is poking out of his mouth.  The rope is cutting into his flesh around his neck.  Her first instinct is to help him stand, so she tries to pick up Patrick with her 5' 2", 125 lb frame.  It is no help.  She runs to the kitchen to grab a knife and runs back to Patrick.  She cuts the rope and Patrick falls.  She says he falls with no pain, no noise except the sound his body makes from folding on the floor.  In a panic Jackie calls George.  George did not pick up Patrick.

      George did not pick up Patrick.  He over slept.  He is to be at Jackie's apartment at 9 am but he does not show.  George arrives at Jackie's apartment during Jackie's lunch Oct. 18th.  Jackie is screaming.  She can't stop screaming.  Don't let him die!  George checks Patrick's pulse. No pulse.  He calls 911.  He starts CPR on Patrick.  George describes Patrick's breath as a terrible odor coming from Patrick's stomach.  Such a terrible taste, the taste of death.  The rope left a deep ring around his neck.  He hates this rope and later finds it came from the dumpster near the back of the apartment.  George is still doing CPR.  Patrick is making soft grunts but only as reaction to George.  Patrick has no pulse. No breath. No life.  Patrick is dead.