Just Another Fairytale

I.
… and she was waiting
at a grand hall
in the winter palace.
It is her first time to
attend a midnight ball.
So the other lovelier ladies
were looking down on her.
It was an eyesore but
nothing hurts more than
standing on her glass stilettos
for an hour
waiting for her prince.

II.
… and she repeatedly sought
her fairy godmother,
wishing Prince Charming would come
before an old fat king
would snatch her
first dance away.

III.

… and she almost dozed off.
waiting for her prince.
She took a little bite
from the red apple
she got from her mother.
They say it’s poison
but she doesn’t care
she takes another bite
and she’s up again.

IV.

… and she tries to sing
with her high-pitch voice,
thinking her prince might hear
and take her to dance.
But, tears well up on her
as an old fat king
makes his way 
and ask her to dance
the waltz with him.

V.

…and she couldn’t say no,
as she dance the waltz.
She yearns to stop,
bu the orchestra goes on.

VI.
…and the midnight strikes
and she become glad,
the king let her go-
    The Queen will arrive.

VII.
… and she was made to run
out of the palace
and when she reaches the woods,
she sits on a stump.
She removes her shoes
and throws it far,
thinking where had it been-
     the last line of her fairytale.

Author's Note

help me with grammar and proper line breaking ))):

Reviews

[annabellee]

that is very gorgeous, I was really eager to find out how the story ends, sadly it doesn't end that well.
I also liked the hints on the fairytales and I especially liked the last two lines.
Nice job.
As for grammar I'm not that great with it either but I'll try to help you anyways.
So in the 4th stanza it has to be "high-pitched voice" and "asks her to dance..."

In the 5th stanza the first two lines are a bit odd with time (but I'm not that confident to help you there, but I think they should have the same time)

6th stanza: "becomes glad" (though to me that sounds a little bit weird but again, not so sure myself)
"lets her go"

7th stanza: "throws them away"

Hope that helped at least a little bit :)
I really enjoyed your poem :)

[genelressaaaa]

Wow thanks :)

[annabellee]

you're welcome :)

[annie lee]

I just noticed you live in Quezon City. I lived in the Philippines for two years on a now defunct Naval Air Station called Sangley Point. Happiest two years of my childhood. Good luck

[genelressaaaa]

You lived in the Philippines? Are you a Filipino or somewhat related to a Filipino? :))

[annie lee]

I am a US Navy brat who spent 2 years on Sangley Point next to Cavite City.

[annie lee]

I think your line breaks are solid. I am reading this for the third time, so I'll just post the minor errors:

as an old fat king
makes his way
and ask her to dance -- should be "asks her to dance"

as she dance the waltz. -- should be "she dances"

bu the orchestra goes on. -- should be "but the..."

I think the previous reviewer covered the little errors more thoroughly.

Dispensing with that, let me say this is a brilliant take on the old saw of "they lived happily ever after." This fairy tale myth has done a great deal more harm to generations of women than to those it maybe inspired with a happy ending. This poem lets us know in no uncertain terms that standard fairy tale endings are few and far between. I love the terse sound of your words, and the short lines continue that cadence. It is rat-a-tat-tat, rat-a-tat-tat, and that stridency keeps the reader engaged and eager. The reader senses that ice-cold reality is about to wash over all, and you evoke that scene brilliantly. This is a poem you can be proud of.

[genelressaaaa]

Wow! I never thought that this piece is good :))) Thanks a lot for the positive remarks :)