Father Not To Be

I stare up at the blue sky
covered in chemical clouds
of goodness, and all I see
is a vast, chilling emptiness.

Like an empty womb,
meant to be
the vessel for three.

But they aren't here,
and I still am,
and I wonder
what I did wrong.

Is it because I'm a recalcitrant
child of sin trying can't play his
way through the game no matter
how hard he tries?

Or is it because I treated my spouse
like a sky high pile of s**t and that's
why I'm here writing a poem of sadness
when I should be writing a piece about
changing smelly diapers or teaching my
first born how to count past ten?

I just feel like I'm never going to be
the dad that my dad and my grandfathers
were to me, my siblings, my parents and
my extended family.

And I see the facial joy of cousins
and siblings and friends with something
that I'm never meant to have.

And I have to wonder about those
dads who are like me but still have
faith in a God of Love and
a God of Mercy,
how do you still do it?

How do you still believe?

How do you keep going?

I sit here, alone,
in a dark bedroom
less than two miles
away from the
Mighty Missouri
and type this
depressing prose,
the kind of
depressing prose
that has kept me
alive up to this point,
because love died
and the rage has
taken over,
and that's why
I feel like The Man
In Black, but I almost
always dress in Blue,
and the pain never
goes away, no matter
how bad I yearn for it.

I'm stuck here,
still believing that
November Zero
is my true state
of being,
that being the
father not to be
is my default
function on
this plane of
existence,
no matter
what I do,
no matter
how hard
I try, I am
not the one
to raise sons
and daughters
and I guess I
have to accept
that sullen truth.

And when I do,
the gaping cranial
exit wound will be
the final statement
on the matter.

Reviews

[...]

. moved to tears ...
. i've never seen happiness ...
. i hear it exists ...

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

Painful, raw emotion penned from an aching heart. Thank goodness we have our writing to be a release. Wonderful writing.

[Dreamer]

This is so very powerful. I feel your pain and sadness. You asked how they keep doing it, my only and simple answer is faith. It may not be easily understood, it may not be easily believed or accepted but I guess thats why we call it faith. I can never believe- WILL never believe that my God is so bored that He just creates sadness so He can enjoy our pain. But it is unequivocal that bad things happen, i may not always know why yet I believe tht sometimes things happen not because God wants it to, but because this is a wicked world. Have we ever wondered, maybe its not God who's loving all this evil, but may be it is the enemy who is stirring all the bad, pushing us to strigger our our own destruction and then tricking us to believe tht God's the culprit. My heart bleeds for u even though i do not know u because I am sooo sorry tht u have had to feel such pain. I wish I could make it go away- but I can not. I wish that I can say the right thing to u- whether i sow tht seed isnt up to me. I only hope that u can feel the sincerity of my words and know tht what i say i feel is very real. Keep fighting-
We say we want the pain to go away bt it doesnt...bt sometimes though we say we want the pain to go away- we keep holding on to something. In my humble experience, the pain only begins to fade away when we decide to let everything go.
Though u may be annoyed we me for saying this, I'll say it anyway. "God bless you, one day all the pain will go away":)

[Teri B]

As someone once said, "There's more than one way to skin a cat!" Every dream is within our grasp, even the ones we end up not achieving. But as long as we are alive, the possibility, and therefore the IMPERATIVE, of hope exists. We may not get 'do overs" in our lives, but we get "do differents" and "do betters". Let the pain be the stimulus not only for introspection but also for action. Don't give in to despair. Recognize the power of the dream...

[Branch Isole]

Identity in this piece transcends the descriptions given and reaches in, to a core within each of us. Manifested differently, all options appear to be solely black, or white.

[Brad]

man, this was supremely raw...i felt the cuts and the salt pouring into them

[masqued_muse]

It is difficult to review your poetry; when your HEART...is clearly on the line. I don't have THE answer you are seeking for. I had 3 kids, unplanned. Only one was. I knew she would be girl, before the ultrasound. I cannot define the line between who I am, and the mother I have come to be. I could say stupid s**t; like maybe there are lessons to be learned, perhaps change of mindsets, letting go of the rage and bitterness, and allow something positive to take root.But honestly, dear...those things wouldn't help and be of small comfort, if you don't BELIEVE it. I am your friend; you are an awesome writer, and that is all I have to offer you. BETTER days ahead? Depends on your perception, I think.
*huggles*..masqued^^

[...]

Such emotions go thorugh this write. This is a very good write. I loved this

[NightShade]

The potency of your emotion bleeds through and shares it's cuts with the reader. Damn, bro. The ending is certainly the ending and yeah... This is one hell of a soul searching piece that one can't help but empathize with. Well, unless one has certain pathologies. Powerful writing.