The Wonder of it All

A compendium of inane thoughts and ramblings meant to solely entertain, and maybe bring a smile to your face.

The Wonder of it All...George E Davis

Did you ever wonder what happened to canvas sneakers, the ones that sold for $2.98 a pair?  Where the yellow went when the snow melted? Or, did they ever find Baby Jane?. These are a few questions left dangling with no apparent answers.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around for miles, does it make a noise?  That is an age old imponderable like, which came first the chicken or the egg.  I have the answer to that one; that is the Bible has the answer to it.  In Genesis 2:19,20 “And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every fowl of the air: and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.”  God did not bring an egg to Adam; he brought a chicken.

Ever wonder who changed everything to “Politically Correctness?”  And what does that mean anyway?  A person is no longer blind, he is vision impaired.  He is no longer deaf, but hearing impaired.  While we are at it, why not change obese to, I am not overweight, I am under tall?

 Can a person truly be height impaired?  Some people are just shorter than others, like Little People (not midgets or dwarves please), while some of the basketball players are over seven feet tall.  Then shouldn’t the NBA raise the height of the nets another four feet for the tall players so they can’t jump up and grab the rim, and lower it six feet for the Little People so they can compete?

Ever wonder, a great comedian once asked, why they have braille on drive up windows at the bank?  Now there is something to think about.

Ever wonder who this guy, Anonymous is and why he signs so many letters?  Is he Greek?  Sounds like Greek to me.

Ever wonder how the younger generation is going to be running the country someday? They can not even clean their own bedrooms for pity sake.  Entering a teen’s bedroom is like going through a village after a tornado strikes.

Ever wonder how your mother seemed to know what you did, ofttimes before you did it?  Mothers have a secret radar system called intuition.

“Don’t you smoke tonight when you go out.”  Huh?  How’d she know that?  That onion and mustard sandwich apparently did not mask the smell of tobacco on my breath the last time.  Speaking of breath, did you hear about the zealous vegetarian who divorced her husband, she smelled pot roast on his breath.

“Stay away from Suzy Smith, she is not your type.”  Oh, Mother, just because she wears her skirts up to her, oh say can you see, and wears enough make up that her face looks like an Andy Warhol painting.  Oh my, Mother dear, you worry too much.

Mothers are a phenomenal lot, the more children they have the more love they can spread around, and the wider her radar net is spread too.

Ever wonder if the moon is actually made of green cheese?  That is what our fathers told us when we asked as children.  Fathers have a built in radar also;  it is called ask your mother.

“Can I go to the movies Pop?”

“Ask your mother.”

“Can I have a quarter?”

“Ask you mother.”

“Pop, Mom asked me to ask you about the birds and the bees.”

“Ask your grandmother.”

Ever wonder why television commercials for fast food joints always show the clerks in clean, pressed, starched uniforms and wearing friendly smiles, smiles that could melt the coldest heart.  In the real world, their uniforms have not been pressed since they took them out of the box.  Did you ever see one of them smile?  When you drive up to the order window instead of hearing, “Welcome to So and So, how may I help you?” they say, in a low monotone, “What’ll you have? That’ll be eight dollars and fifty one cents.  Drive to the first window.”  You drive to window one.

“Eight dollars and fifteen cents,” the clerk announces.  You pay with a ten dollar bill.  The clerk
( no smiles) plops the change, and a receipt in your hand (have a nice day!)  Do you think she cares if you have a nice day or not?  You continue to window number two (still no smiles.) They pass you the bag without a comment or a thank you and you are on your way.  Where are the smiling clerks I saw on TV last night, the ones who could not do enough to please you, and were so grateful you came to their place of business?  Let me tell you folks, they only exist in TV commercials.

Ever wonder what a telemarketer would do if you told him, you were eating dinner, and asked him for his home phone number, so you could call him back, say at bed time, or on his day off work. I’ve got a better idea.  The next time one of those overzealous phone jockies calls you put them on hold and eat your dinner.  If they are still on the line after dessert, tell them you are not interested, and hang up the phone.

Ever wonder how the company you just called counts minutes?  “Our next available representative will be with you in less than five minutes.”  Fifteen minutes later you are still listening to the 1812 Overture, and it is not over yet.  All of this is after you have punched in five numbers to get to the department you wanted in the first place.

Ever go to the bank and get a new trainee, one who asks for identification when you pass them cash and a deposit slip with your back account number written on it?  Like I’m going to put my money in someone else’s account.  “Here is a hundred dollars, put it in my neighbor’s savings account.”

Ever wonder what would happen if you used Ben Gay instead of Preparation H?  Boy that would smart.  My Mother actually did this one time.  I say one time, because that is all it took to smarten her up.  Pardon the pun.  She reads labels now.

Ever wonder what happens when colorful tattoos fade?  You look like a blue Etch a Sketch drawing, goodbye short sleeve shirts.  I saw a man at the grocery store the other day with a tattoo of a lawn mower on the back of his head.  He can not sleep on his back anymore he’s afraid of cutting his pillow to shreds.

Ever wonder why, when you were in school, the week days were like forty eight hours long while the weekend days were two hours long?  Doesn’t seem fair.  Wait until you are my age, all the days are two hours long, unless you are waiting in the doctor’s office for an appointment.

When you finally get to see the doctor he asks if you have had your Flu shot.  You tell him no, and he sends his nurse in to administer the vaccine.  She looks like Hulk Hogan in drag and she is carrying a fourteen inch needle.  She says in a voice sweet enough to melt an ogre’s heart, “You might feel a little sting.”  A little sting,  You must be kidding me, it feels as if your right arm is about to detach itself from the rest of your body.  But, it puts a smile on her face.  You have to wonder if she was a graduate of De Sade U.

Ever wonder about your kids, how smart they are?  Most three year old kids today can recite the alphabet and count to fifty, a fete I had not mastered until third grade, but then I was fourteen months old before I took my first step.  My mother bought me an Encyclopedia when I was eighteen months old.  She thought she would start me early, but instead I had eaten from aardvark through pheasant before she took the book away from me.

Ever wonder where a writer gets the time to set down a bunch of idiotic rambling thoughts?  Well, first he has to be retired.  I am, and then, he has to have nothing better to do.  I do not, and third, he has to be audacious enough to think someone would actually be interested in his purposeless slapdash.  I am, audacious enough that is.

I hope these wanderings have, at least made you smile.  There is so much evil and terror in this world.  We need to laugh more.  God says, through King Solomon, “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine; a broken spirit drieth up the bones.”