I won't let them win.

Every one of my friends who have read this wanted to punch a wall afterwards... I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

I can feel them.

Their eyes burrowing through the top of my skull.

I keep my head bent

and focus on the plate in front of me.

It doesn't keep me from knowing what they are all thinking.

Should she be eating that?

That's an awfully big serving...

Does she know the consequences of that extra bite?

I do.

That's why I leave my spoon on the side of my plate.

Untouched.

I refuse to let them win.

Let's see her gain another pound!

Steal her weight chart and make copies!

She updates every night! 

I scan the lunch table.

They're talking.

Laughing.

Every single one of them.

I slide my hand inconspicuously down my side.

I grimace at the touch

and do the math in my head...

I had that cheese stick for dinner last night,

feigning a stomachache.

GOD D****T. WHY?!

Why, after all this hard work,

Why would I do something so damaging!?

I want to let the tears I have held in for the last three months

leak down my face.

But I won't allow it.

No. Not now.

Not in public.

Not in front of them.

If only crying could burn calories...

But it doesn't.

Crying is weak.

Useless.

Revealing.

I want to lift that spoon from the table and shovel food into my mouth.

NO.

The calories.

Think about the calories.

I dig my nails into the top of my hand as if scolding another person.

This is what happens when you want something so bad

for yourself.

How DARE you try to sabotage me!

I scan down the table one more time,

locking eyes with my number one starer.

My best friend.

How many times will she give me that damned look today?

She glares at my virgin plate.

 Then up at me again.

Her eyebrow c***s.

There's a change in her eyes.

It can't be... pain?

What does she want me to do?

Why is my 'meal' making her tear up?

Ahh.

She must think it is too much also.

I knew I was making the right decision!

It's okay I want to tell her.

I'm not going to eat it.

I attempt a smile and get up from the table.

Her eyes follow.

I throw the plate into the trash and walk away.

Tears tumble down her face.

I've made her proud.

Author's Note

I'd really like some comments on this one if you don't mind. =]

Reviews

[PaperHearts]

Your piece really resonated with me, because my older sister suffered from an eating disorder for over a year and a half. The descriptions of the girl's thoughts and thought processes sounded so familiar, and in a way, it was painful to read. Although, I'm glad that I did read it, because this was such an amazing write. I liked the way the poem progressed, as it was so heartwrenchingly honest. There were moments where I was so sure that the girl was going to take a bite, but then she'd convince herself not to. The end was so devastating to read, but I think that you picked up the perfect sentiments and captured the true essence of the challenge that these girls face on a daily basis.
~PaperHearts

[The Perfectionist]

I can't say I wanted to punch a wall, but boy did you pack a lot of emotion into this thing. You didn't beat around the bush, you went straight for the heart and you hit your target. It's stark and effective without being mushy, and I almost with I could sympathize, because I feel like I'm missing out not being able to connect with the narrator. I wish I had more to complain about, but this is really well done.

[just a touch of bitters..]

Thank you for sharing this. One of my best friends suffered (and still suffers from time to time) from an eating disorder, so this one really hit close to home.

Very well written!

[Michael Jewel Davis]

Hello. I really liked this piece, you're very good at creating a picture and setting a tone. It kept me reading, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Take it easy.

[Silvario]

this is really very well written. alot of emotion coming thru in this powerful piece. it easily evokes an emotion response from the reader which is a tribute not only to the subject matter but the authors talent as well. a difficult thing to write about, i imagine. very courageous.

well done indeed :)

[Jenny Nelson]

I can really feel the emotion in this, the anger, frustration, the struggle. I'm sure a lot of people will be able to identify with these words, self included. You came across quite clearly and openly. Very good!

[Monica]

GLENNA!
People comment your things more than mine, so shut up! Hahaha.
I need to put more poems up.

[DeathByChoice]

I liked this one! It must have been hard to be so honest about these feelings, but it's good that you did.

[I'llPlayTheJuliet]

*cries* I have felt exactly like that when I was at my best friends house.
she nearly cried while begging me to eat, I agreed only with a deal that she would too
she finished off her burger while mine remained untouched, she stared at me, I felt so horrible I took a few bites, but when she turned around I spit them out....
Amazing poem though it litteraly made me cry.
You are very talented.
thank you for sharing.

[qaralynn]

great work..
it's sad how some people have such a wrong picture of themselves
thnx for sharing this..
i'm really glad i read it