Carousel

Inspired by a group; carried on by the love I have for my daughter.

 

I watched her go around on the carousel                   

Her smile mixed with the music playing

She waved to me awaiting my attention

Memories of her laughing and caramel

 

Her straight flaxen hair tossed over her shoulder

The lights reflect her hair like diamonds

She searches for me each time it goes about

My daughter’s eyes never looked happier

 

In a flash I vanished into the masses

A frantic fear washed upon her face

Scrutinizing every person intensely

Her joyous expression quickly passes

 

I see the panic as the gears keep turning;

chasing her to catch her fleeting look

Her eyes convene with mine and I see her calm

She relaxed and her smile was returning

 

The carousel progressively measured down

The smile still impressed upon her cheeks

She waved and smiled as she dismounted the horse

She talked about the ride until sundown

 

The carousel eternally held special

Magically a wonder to observe

Listen carefully as the music plays on

The children laughing turning ethereal

Author's Note

I love this piece.

Reviews

[Kris]

I want to like this piece. The imagery of a carousel wants to be strong, but it is never fully realized. You never describe the lights, the animals, the music. You mention that she rides a horse, but what kind of horse? Is it a big carousel? A tiny one only for children? Is the music fast or slow? Those visuals could be the backbone to this piece but it just never comes together.

You (somewhat) describe the girl, but even she could use some fleshing out. You say she has flaxen hair and her eyes glitter like diamonds. That's the most imagery you use in this piece, and strictly speaking, it's somewhat cliched. I think there's a lot of emotion buried in this piece which gives it potential, but it's very lacking as far as visuals and real frenetic OOMF.

Also, please rethink your rhyme scheme. I'm not a fan of rhyme schemes in general but I'm an avid enemy of bad rhyme schemes. Rhyming words like returning and turning make me see red.

[Helena]

Thank you for submitting this wonderful piece to my contest.
Loved it three months ago, still love it now!! ~ Helena :)

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

A lovely poem. A wonderful memory. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[Pakino]

Really nice piece. Love how you touched upon the aspect of the child leaving the mothers side for a moment. Really nice.

[Adrian K. Smith]

If one has ever been the child on the carousel or watched their child on the carousel, they will feel the joy and the wonder as it goes round and round. You went above and beyond though, going beyond simply describing something as simple as the round and round joy. You gave it a touch of added reality with the fear as she lost sight of you, though you never lost sight of her. This thought, this feeling, goes beyond when they are just riding the carousel... it continues on through life; adding that additional layer of timelessness already found in this timeless piece... thank you for sharing.

[Emily Rose]

I like your use of imagery and the miniature story that you tell, although I'm a little confused as to why you switch tenses in the last two stanzas. Why not just keep it all in present tense? I have to disagree with Kris about the rhyme scheme, though. The scheme is subtle and slanted enough that the turning/returning rhyme doesn't bother me at all, and to me the rhymes seem anything but forced. (It's a very interesting idea, too, to only rhyme the lines one and four of the stanza; it really gives the poem room to breathe.) Good job!

[Lyndsay Castro]

I like it. It feels a little weak in some spots, but so strongly in others. The carousel isn't the point, after all. The point is mother/daughter. So it works.

[Steve Thompson]

The smile still impressed upon her cheeks

She waved and smiled as she dismounted the horse

She talked about the ride until sundown...I am attracted to these three lines a lot, brings a double issue of thought, the till sundown does it for me....I like this piece a lot, well done.

[Christine]

Great poem, Dude! I love it! You are such an amazing poet, no wonder you won your contest!! Congrats BTW! I totally can envision Melissa on the carousel. Vivid imagery as always. The last line was my favorite, LOL you really are developing an infinity for that word, aren't you? LOL I still remember the day that you came home, grabbed your dictionary, and then asked me what "ethereal" meant. LOL then... even after I told you what it meant, you still had to look it up, just to make sure that I was giving you the correct definition. LOL Made me chuckle then and makes me chuckle now. So now, every time you use that word it sparks that memory. :-)
Great poem, Dude!! Thanks for sharing it!!

[Phill Oz O'fee]

The earliest carousel is known from a Byzantine Empire bas-relief dating to around 500 A.D., which depicts riders in baskets suspended from a central pole. The word carousel originates from the Italian garosello and Spanish carosella ("little war"), used by crusaders to describe a combat preparation exercise and game played by Turkish and Arabian horsemen in the 1100s. In a sense this early device could be considered a cavalry training mechanism; it prepared and strengthened the riders for actual combat as they wielded their swords at the mock enemies.

What's this got to do with your fine write... well, I suggest it highlights the basic instinct we all have for reassurance and support. Your daughter, frantically searching out for these same needs, when you disappeared from view, is poignantly captured within the context of your poetic composition. But then again ... is this not something we all crave?

Excellent piece!

Blessings
Phill (ozofee)