Valentine Venom

From "Your Face Will Freeze Like That" and other stuff Mom told us

Oh gee, is it that time already? Most people get blue around Christmas but not me. For me it’s this sadistic “in-your-face-‘cause-you-don’t-have-a-lover-and-I-do” holiday, St. Valentine’s Day - ya know, the tribute to lovers? Hmphh! All I know is February 14th is the day I go knock all the flowers off my coworkers' desks and poke holes in the bottoms of their chocolates.

Okay, call it jealousy, vindictiveness or just plain meanness, but d****t! I’m mad! I mean, I haven’t been in a man’s arms in five years, unless you count the elderly gentleman I was taking care of, and that’s only because he was falling down the stairs!

You know you’re past it when your cat is getting more action than you are, and right out in the middle of the yard too! It’s even worse when I have to pretend I have somebody so I’m not the laughingstock of the office. I have to go in extra early and put a vase of really nice flowers on my desk that I just happened to stop off and buy at the grocery store. Seeing as all the other women already got the nice bouquets, I had to settle for the ones they were going to throw out in the dumpster later in the afternoon (I just pick off the ends - nobody really knows). I had to make it look extra sweet, so I invested in a big Valentine’s Day cake. It was one that somebody hadn’t picked up though, so I had to scrape off the writing that said ‘I love you forever Vivian”

Man, this blows! If it wasn’t for my boss that gave everybody a box of candy from the dollar store, I wouldn’t have a Valentine at all. Oh well, all I can say is if ya can’t love yourself who can you love?

Lovin’ me - it’s a dirty job but somebody’s gotta do it.

Author's Note

Just gettin' ready for the inevitable...

Reviews

[James Eichenlaub]

Well, at least you're not with someone you love and feeling the way you do. That hurts even more.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

This was a hilariously funny rant against the day. We have a heavy metal/Goth type neighbor who made friends with our baby daughter. She's a nice lady but has unusual tastes in dress. She posted a meme that said something to the effect that we should cancel Valentine's Day for an extra Halloween. My nine year old said, I can't be her friend if she's going to bash Valentine's Day. (laughing) Of course, the kid gets stuffies (stuffed animals) chocolates (her favorite) and cards and flowers from Daddy on V-Day so even though she loves Trick or Treat, she likes the special attention, hearts full of love and making cards for her mom and me. I like what John Prine wrote in one of his songs, "Love has no mind and it can't spell unkind, it's never seen a heart shaped like a valentine" But I celebrate love every day. I enjoyed the read.

[Mari' Emeraude]

Thanks for reading, Fabian. This seems to rear its head every Valentine's Day!