The Dichotomy of Failure and Success

Some of us are more robot than human

Our instructor, Ms. Dory, takes one final bite of her burnt raccoon stew and introduces the two guest speakers sitting in the back corner of our classroom. Class, today we have two very special individuals that want to share their unique life experiences. One of them is someone you will want to emulate, the other not so much. I’ll give you a hint, don’t copy the first guy ahaha. Here’s our first visitor, Failure. We all clap awkwardly. Failure gets up and addresses the class.

Hello everyone, my name is Failure and I used to be just like you. I listened to the muddy dogma and gave myself a fabricated purpose. Ms. Dory was my teacher when I was younger as well. But at one point in my life, I realized that life isn’t going to be all sunshine and puppies for everyone. Some of us are going to fail and I’m here to give you the sandwich and coffee of what my life turned out like. Around your age, I hitch-hiked my way across the institution and met quirky originals. We ate placenta together. I followed a trail of bread crumbs leading to my mind and stayed in its cottage for some time. That’s what’s so dangerous about the mind. You can spend days on end inside of it, imagining your existence away. So anyway, I collided with a Swedish mailman while I was playing freeze tag with a group of nuns and he offered me a job at a dinosaur emporium. I worked there for awhile and eventually got fired for using the dinosaurs as props in the movie I was making called “The World has Whiskers.” A caravan of movie producers heard about it and signed me to their franchise which was in a sewer. The movie went viral, in Iceland, and we had gross profits through the roof, in Iceland. However, when I signed the contract at the beginning, I voided my rights accidentally and never got a penny out it all. I moved into a Navajo reservation and started to think that my life was changing for the better. Three days later, a youngling noticed me hiding inside a maize kiln and they kicked me out of the reservation. I somehow managed to convince a NASA guard that I was an astronaut and he let me use a space shuttle for a solo expedition to the moon. I got to the moon and enjoyed a bowl of Fruit Loops and made it back to Earth safely. They put me in jail for a couple years but it was worth it because that bowl of cereal was out of this world good. I left jail and worked a booth in a flea market selling rice cakes for a couple of months. I spoke very colloquially and made some amigos. My rice cakes were terrible and overpriced but people came for my stories. I knew I wouldn’t be able to entertain everyone, but if I could entertain one person a day I would happy. An old timer complained about my rice cakes and the flea market exiled me. I slept on the beach for a month and my stomach was always growling. I’d crack jokes like eggs to beach dwellers and they’d either chuckle or give me snobby looks. I saved a sea otter from choking on plastic but when the news cameras came, they gave all the credit to a hungover life guard with a bad tan line. A year later, the CIA transported me to Guantanamo Bay and interrogated me over suspicious interactions with the nuns I played freeze tag with many moons ago. Allegedly, they were part of a German drug cartel who were smuggling large packages of cocaine and waffles in Care Bears and Cage the Elephant cd’s. I was released with a warning and they forced me to work at Domino’s for five months. The manager at Domino’s fired me three months in because I thought I was making sushi, not pizza. I lost my only pair of shoes in a movie theater as result of mishearing the “Please silence your cell phones” message. I was forced to leave early because I kept “pestering” the lady sitting next to me. I told her that I felt we as a species should make knowing the first words of books more important than knowing the lyrics to pop songs like “Anaconda” and “Gangnam Style”. I found a wooden watch in a water fountain in a park. It was broken but the splinters it gave my wrist motivated me to never chop a tree down and care more about the environment. I finally made it on the news but it was kind of embarrassing. The park ended up being a cemetery and the water fountain supposedly was a grave. Finally, I was playing hopscotch with my new friend Deshawn and Ms. Dory noticed me. So here I am now and that’s a little bit about me. Thanks.

Ms. Dory told us to stop clapping and she giddily smiled when she introduced the other gentleman, Mr. Success.

Hey everyone, I’m Mr. Success and I, too, had Ms. Dory as a teacher when I was little. I went on to graduate from Harvard with a degree in law. I’m now a very successful lawyer and control a lot of people’s lives. People look up to me, I think, and even though I hardly see my family, I always send them really expensive gifts to make up for it. I’m going bald because of all the stress I’m under trying to meet deadlines and I’ve slept in fancy hotel bedrooms for the past two weeks. Ms. Dory emailed my personal assistant Zoey, or is her name Honey, and asked if I could talk about what it’s like to be successful. I usually charge thousands of dollars to do this kind of thing, but since I know Ms. Dory, I only charged six hundred bucks. Thanks for listening and be successful.

 

Author's Note

What does success mean to you? Thanks for reading!

Reviews

[Rana]

Even Ms. Dory was sorta Gastonish in her dialogue, haha. There's never a doubt, your stories are always enjoyable and many a time more than that. Well so when Mr. Failure began the speech I thought it was going to be plain personification of the noun, you know a sketch of its attributes in a witty way. But reading on I realized it was actually a real guy doing the talk. Maybe representing other humans in the society who are labelled as 'Failures'. When the guy showed such wisdom as comes from experience, it was the first dose of irony. He was quite the explorer, "living" life, taking a little from everything and never giving up. Though we do have examples of such people today, who make their own roads (isn't that even better than Mr. Frost taking the road less travelled by) and are yet acclaimed successful, most end up dodging their way through their roads rather than gracefully gliding by. You totally make readers question about what really matters.

"I followed a trail of bread crumbs leading to my mind and stayed in its cottage for sometime. (quite a Hansel and Gretel imagery) "That's what's so dangerous about the mind. You can spend days on end inside of it, imagining your existence away"--favorite line and sadly very relatable too. I also loved the part about the creepy wooden watch. Um, apart from the philosophy I see you've had your fun in here too what with the refreshing jokes and all. Who would've guessed there was to be a second mention of the nuns, yes you've connected it all well. The final dose of irony was Mr. Success' speech of course and when he and you end with a "Be Successful" damn it almost send shivers down the spines; sounded like a curse. Brilliant story! (And oh, I think success means satisfaction to me)

[Gaston Villanueva]

wow it's like youre in my mind during my writing process and know everything I want to convey haharead morewow it's like youre in my mind during my writing process and know everything I want to convey haha
I agree with success meaning satisfaction and Ms. Dory is based off my friend's dog so I imagine her talking like me!
I can't say thanks enough Rana!

[Gaston Villanueva]

I wrote my comment on my phone and it messed it up lol
I went on to say that Ms. Dory is actually based off my friend's dog but we're kinda similar
I can't say thanks enough Rana!

[Rana]

Ahh I did wonder what the dog in the picture for your story had to do with it lol xD queerly cool

[Woody]

you have a unique style Gaston and that's a fact. you either like it or you don't. I do. very much.
I think I'm getting used to the way your mind works. you are a funny guy. this is hilarious :)

[Gaston Villanueva]

Thanks Woody, that means a lot to me
I appreciate the support!

[Chadvonswan]

"I somehow managed to convince a NASA guard that I was an astronaut and he let me use a space shuttle for a solo expedition to the moon. I got to the moon and enjoyed a bowl of Fruit Loops and made it back to Earth safely. They put me in jail for a couple years but it was worth it because that bowl of cereal was out of this world good."

O Gaston, youre ducking hilarious. Freeze tag with nuns! Where does this come from?

The ending was great. Success ended up being nowhere as great as failure. It makes us question, what really is success and what really is failure? I guess its all perspective. Failure sounds a lot more fun.

I loved this Gaston. It was hilarious but at the same time very thought provoking.

[Gaston Villanueva]

Exactly bro haha
Thanks for the support Max!