Fermi's Paradox

When someone says, "Tell me about yourself", I panic...

If you can’t do the time, don’t be a mime. Hardcore office gangs: sup I’m ThumbTack. This here is PaperClip, call him Clip, though. Staples’ll show you the ropes on how to send emails, yo. My Luigi’s Mansion strategy guide was my greatest possession when I was little and I didn’t even have the game. I planted some jelly beans and can’t wait until it’s time to harvest the jelly. The real question, Mr. Owl, is how many licks does it take to get to the center of a human arm? That’s a wormhole, Alexander. Go ahead and take a picture. The swing set is where champions are made. Waldo has agents that give him strategic hiding locations. I always carry a knife just in case someone has cake. My résumé is just a VHS tape of me doing Tae-Kwon-Do for 36 minutes. Origami was invented when a young Japanese boy was trying to hide his report card. You may be a good person deep down, but I don’t carry around a shovel. Pursue pleasure or avoid pain. What would Charlie Sheen do? Fiber One bars are not ghetto, they just do ghetto things. In space, they just call the movie Jam. “Watch me smell my wine,” says white people. I’ll just steal a straw and roam around looking for unattended beverages. It’s not what it looks like is a translation for it’s exactly what it looks like. Stand by me. The original thought process. I’d be a weird news reporter. The Grinch taught me that if I ever rob a bank and then have a change of heart, it’ll all be fine. Last night, I let the party get the best of me. I knocked down the Jenga Tower before the game was over and I didn’t care. It’s been a solid 8 years since I’ve seen a caterpillar. Look deep into the eyes of a gingerbread man and then tell me you can eat him. A reality show for little engines called, “So You Think You Can?” Settling for a dime is still settling. Sometimes when it’s dark and really quiet, I psych myself out and think my heartbeat is a germ in my body with a scalpel continuously knocking. Go to heaven for good weather, go to hell for good company. Gets into creepy van, gets kicked out. Not so great minds also think alike. Forecast for tonight: dark. A lot of people I know are afraid of heights but I’m not. I’m afraid of widths. My grandma started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Now she is 97 and we have no clue where she is. Santa’s always so jolly because he knows where the bad girls live. Kids in the back-seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back-seat cause kids. If dreams can come true, so can nightmares. People are who they are, give or take 15%. That’s how much they can change, but sometimes it’s just enough. I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack. When I enter a bathroom stall, I close the door, sigh with relief, and loudly say, “This is it. This is where I’ll start my new life.” No matter how much wind there is or how fast you run, cats never make good kites. I was voted “Best Kidneys” in my high school yearbook. I don’t carve pumpkins anymore because when I was 9, I carved one that was too scary and I couldn’t go back into the room the rest of the day. Sour pajamas today make great umbrellas tomorrow. If a crack house is filled with love, it becomes a crack home. The last to die doesn’t get a funeral.

Author's Note

A collection of things I've thought and things I've heard

Reviews

[Rana]

You are so you in your writings and specially in this one. This was a typical Gaston piece. I mean your works are really different and in the best possible sense of the word. Immensely enjoyed this, um, essay and immensely envied your wit. When I spot some original-smelling paraprosdokians in here, I knew this was a masterpiece. They're something rare to come across after all. I loved this!

[Gaston Villanueva]

I'm delighted to here that my voice is able to resonate through my writing!
I'd never heard of the paraprosdokians before so thanks for educating me, Rana!
Thanks for the support :)

[Rana]

Aha, that's nice, I've myself learnt stuff from your pieces too :)

[Mr_M]

Very funny clippings, mashed in one piece. It is refreshing, as if every sentence is it's ownt story. Interestimg style which really works. A blend of wisdom and wit

[Gaston Villanueva]

Thanks for stopping by!
I appreciate it Mr_M!

[Chadvonswan]

Im waiting for some new Gastron products

[Gaston Villanueva]

In a matter of hours, you won't have to wait anymore!

[Woody]

hilarious collection Gaston. love it. I've heard of some (just a few). I remember seeing similar things in graffitis and I found them so clever.
thanks for this collection, mate :)

[Gaston Villanueva]

Yeah, some of them were things I'd heard but I wanted to share them with people who might not of heard them haha
Thanks for reading Woody!

[Marie]

Interesting and funny. Some of these I'd heard before; some are totally new.

[Gaston Villanueva]

Thanks for reading Marie! I'm glad you liked it!