Things I Never Realized

It’s been 4 years since the last time I smelled sweet roses and baby powder.

4 years since I wound up the glass carousel and watched it spin safely inside of its dome;

the horses inside spun in tireless circles

as they still spin around me now.

I didn’t realize I’d miss the dust upon the shelf

that the carousel sat on. 

 

It’s been even longer since the last tamale

made from tired hands.

Soft meat, but a dry masa

that crumbled onto the plate.

The dozens that were left behind

to shrivel up in the freezer.

I never imagined that my mouth would water for one now.

 

A loud, tacky, spanglish still echoes in my ears;

from the many years I spent on those stairs

listening closely to your words form a beautiful language of their own. 

I always pretended to not understand.

Mi abuelita, te amo tambien. 

 

I never realized how badly I’d miss the hour long walk to the border.

The blazing red sun beating upon your leather skin.

Cold mole wiped up from clay bowls.

 

I never realized that your father’s house would still be so vivid in my head.

A pair of shuffling feet, and Santos filled the tiny blue house.

Barking dogs and dry dirt waiting patiently in the yard.

and the New Year that the lonely little man kissed me on my cheek

and called me by your name.

The familiar smell of corn tortillas

strawberry soda from tiny bottles

porch swings and rosary beads

the running toilet that never stopped.

I never realized how much I’d miss hearing you call him

“daddy”. 

 

I never realized I hated salt

until I remembered the ceramic fruit bowl

sitting in the middle of the table

filled with roasted

unsalted

peanuts.

I was always too distracted by the burnt orange wallpaper

of picnic baskets and apples

that covered the kitchen walls,

to realize

that you hated salt too. 

 

You loved the Greyhound

but you loved road trips too.

I always wondered why you didn’t travel more.

Now I realize it’s because I never went with you.

I never realized that your suitcase was always packed.

Maybe you don’t realize

that now

my suitcase is too.

 

Your fainted red deck

looks down on a rusty swing set.

The same swing set I busted my chin on

many years ago.

I didn’t realize I could still taste the coppery blood

resting warmly underneath my tongue. 

 

I never realized how pretty you looked

in tight pink curlers and cotton nightgowns.

How stunning your voice sounded when you’d call me on my birthday

and sing to me

not once but twice. 

 

I hated your husband.

I never realized that.

Until I felt the scalding heat

from the tears he made you cry.

In a house filled with fear and carousels

sitting upon dusty shelves. 

 

I never realized the mess I’d make

when I knocked that carousel down.

As he pushed me out of your front door that day

4 years ago

when the glass shattered upon the floor.

 

Chocolate Neccos were your favorite

And now they’re mine too.

The oldies station is on in my car

And I’m driving to you. 

We’ll go to the bingo hall and I’ll let you tell me

all of your stories

that nobody ever listened to. 

I’ll get the M&M’s with peanuts inside

and I’ll remember that you don’t like butter

on your popcorn. 

 

Mi Viejita

I’ll take you back to the old church

that made your voice in the choir

sound like the angels in my dreams.

I didn’t realize how beautifully the organ played.

Nor did I realize how heavy and fast

the condemnation

would fall upon the pew I sat in. 

The creaky alter

and burning wax

of a church telling me I was no longer welcome.

 

I never realized that the day would come

that your house

and that church

would agree. 

Reviews

[alifeacoustic]

"I didn’t realize I’d miss the dust upon the shelf that the carousel sat on".
I love this line, it is so imaginative and conjures up your thought process to even state it the way you did. That line alone is both quirky, sad and nostalgic. I think the overall feel of this piece is regret and sadness at not being allowed to live the life you dream of, with the person you dream of without others feeling they have a need or right to throw opinions at you that you didn't ask for or deserve. There is perfect beauty wrapped in the words and your thoughts for this person, that other people trod on and made it a never to be happy ever after. I hope I'm wrong and one day, who knows...
Perfectly captured beautiful memories of one you held dear.